Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite my sister's boyfriend to my wedding

104 replies

Chittychattymatty · 21/09/2024 22:55

Hi. First time ever posting!
I love my sister. We are close and live in the same town! She is with her partner 4 years. Roughly same time as I am with mine. I cannot stand her boyfriend. Nor can my partner. He is exceptionally rude and ignorant towards us. He isn't particularly nice to my sister either. But she just doesn't see it. I have often had private conversations with her, pointing out different things that were offensive. Or behaviour towards her even that I didn't like or think was fair. She deserves so much more but for some reason she just doesn't see it. All my family are on the same page as me. We don't like him. I recently got engaged and I am actually dreading him coming to my wedding, being loud and obnoxious. Making it all about himself or he'll behave like a spoilt child and sulk.

Can I invite my sister and not have him at the wedding?

OP posts:
AllstarFacilier · 22/09/2024 19:57

You could do, but would you be offended if she admitted she didn’t like your partner and didn’t want to invite him to her wedding?

Confusedmermaid1 · 22/09/2024 20:00

I had the same concerns with my mother’s partner for my wedding last year.. he’s annoying, constantly dominates conversation and talks over others with his own negative opinions of everything and he’s a freeloader who takes advantage of everything my mum has worked her arse off since she left my dad.
She could do so much better but we’ve had those conversations with her and she doesn’t want to listen to us. I did invite him because it wasn’t worth upsetting my mum over and honestly I hardly had to deal with him on the wedding day because we had quite a big wedding (appreciate this is different to the wedding you have planned)
Also told the photographer to ensure he wasn’t in all the family photos so definitely have a word with them if you’re having one! They did it so subtly it was great.

PressForLuck · 22/09/2024 20:04

Try to focus on your relationship and stop all this focus on her. It’s time to accept she has her relationship and likes this guy and it really isn’t your and your family’s business to talk about it between yourselves and then you being the spokesperson.

I say this from almost 15 years of my sister doing the same thing to me. She campaigned against my marriage and she and my parents gossiped behind my back.

I remember when my sister thought she was giving good advice, it took me by surprise and I brushed it off over and over again before it hit boiling point. She probably thought because I have an easy-going nature she could try to dictate something very personal for me and eventually I got sick of justifying my relationship.

midlifeattheoasis · 22/09/2024 20:15

Invite him if you value your relationship with your sister. You're very unlikely to have much to do with him on the day anyway

DroopyEyelids · 22/09/2024 20:16

Invite him. But there are tricks you can do in advance.

  1. ceremony/ reserve seats at the front for close family and you can even have names on paper on those seats. Don’t include him so he won’t be in any ceremony photos at the front.
  2. Photos/ be clear to your sister that she is to be with you for big group photos with the professional photographer so he is lost in the crowd.
  3. dinner reception/ your sister is at the top table or close by with the bridal party but he is not in the bridal party so far corner where you can’t see him.

you are inviting him for your sister but she can’t expect you to spend time with someone you can’t stand on your wedding day and I’m sure you’ll have a way to explain that without saying it when the time comes.

Elliebox · 22/09/2024 20:16

I wouldn’t invite him

Babbahabba · 22/09/2024 20:19

You don't want to give him reasons to isolate her from her family/support system, particularly if he turns out to be coercive and controlling.

GingerPirate · 22/09/2024 20:27

Your wedding, your rules.
Full stop.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 22/09/2024 20:37

Could you book it on a day he’s got to work or has booked a lads holiday or something? If you don’t invite him you risk your sister falling out with you. Is he a cheater? Can you get evidence and help her leave him?

LadyQuackBeth · 22/09/2024 20:52

I would make your DSis a bridesmaid, then ask him if he'd like to come to the whole thing (as unfortunately your DSis will be busy with you and he'll be on his own a lot, sat with randoms at the meal etc) or if he'd prefer to come to just the party? Say there's no pressure and you'd understand if he only wanted to come to the fun bot where he'll know more people.

axolotlfloof · 22/09/2024 20:56

My sister is still with her annoying first boyfriend more than 20 yrs later. My brother used to call him 'the moron' (when he and my sister weren't around). We have all had to adjust. I can't say I like him, and he has made my sister's life more difficult, but it's her choice.

user63214 · 22/09/2024 21:22

Could you just invite him to the evening party? Or would that also cause a drama? Maybe word it as a number limit/only want actual family to the ceremony.

Conniebygaslight · 23/09/2024 06:14

Please don’t put your sister in a worse position than she may already be in.

snowlady4 · 23/09/2024 07:07

Not inviting him is a risky move. It will most likely do some damage to your relationship with your sister. She might not come to your wedding at all. (I wouldn't if my partner was excluded by my family.) Might be different if they'd been together 4 months, but four years is a long time. I would just suck it up if I were you. He probably hates you too, perhaps he won't come, but don't give them the chance to say you excluded him!
And congratulations to you!

angela1952 · 23/09/2024 12:22

If you feel that you must invite him do make sure that he doesn't muscle his way onto the family photos. My DS's girlfriend (now long gone) did this and it still annoys my other DS when he looks at the photoes

eatingandeating · 25/09/2024 13:01

You are doing right. Stay with it!!

Betterthaneastenders · 25/09/2024 13:09

Chittychattymatty · 21/09/2024 22:55

Hi. First time ever posting!
I love my sister. We are close and live in the same town! She is with her partner 4 years. Roughly same time as I am with mine. I cannot stand her boyfriend. Nor can my partner. He is exceptionally rude and ignorant towards us. He isn't particularly nice to my sister either. But she just doesn't see it. I have often had private conversations with her, pointing out different things that were offensive. Or behaviour towards her even that I didn't like or think was fair. She deserves so much more but for some reason she just doesn't see it. All my family are on the same page as me. We don't like him. I recently got engaged and I am actually dreading him coming to my wedding, being loud and obnoxious. Making it all about himself or he'll behave like a spoilt child and sulk.

Can I invite my sister and not have him at the wedding?

This is a difficult one, there is a big chance that your sister will not go, it will cause a lot of tension between you and him if he wasn't invited as well, but it's up to you who you have at the wedding, my brother tried to do the right thing and he invited the aunt that no one talks to, instead of turning up and being grateful showing everyone why she should be invited, she did the opposite and showed my brother up to his new in-laws, maybe speak with them, and your family and come to a decision together, maybe they can come to an arrangement where they keep him check for you.

FeedingThem · 25/09/2024 13:10

Well you can, I'm sure he'll be really happy to use it against you to show how you never really cared about her anyway and he can use it to convince her to go L or NC.

So you can but I wouldn't.

Saratea2 · 25/09/2024 13:13

What exactly is it your worried he will do on your wedding day that is so bad he can't be invited?
Unfortunately as the saying goes you can pick your friends but not your family. Lots of people can't stand certain family members but suck it up for reasons maybe others won't understand.
You have already made it clear to your sister how you feel about him and just politely say to her, of course he's invited he's your partner but can you try and keep him in check and not allow him to become to boisterous etc or whatever it is you don't like about him?
It is YOUR day after all and you can plan it how you want but I do think if I were in your place I'd suck it up, it wouldn't be worth the fallout with my sister.
I'd try and plan it aswell so he's not in the wedding photos if you feel he's that horrible.

Allmenarenotthesame · 25/09/2024 13:15

Invite him and let everyone else see what a cock he is.

JollyZebra · 25/09/2024 13:15

Invite him or risk your relationship with your sister.
If he is that rude to her in your presence, there may be more going on behind this at home for her. He may be abusive and controlling.
Do not shut down avenues of communication with your sister. Sounds to me that she will need her sister and family in the future.

LlynTegid · 25/09/2024 13:16

Your wedding, your decision. Which I would support.

Though try to find a way such that it does not end all contact with your sister, as when she starts to recover from her low self-esteem you I assume would want to help her.

Dubuem · 25/09/2024 13:42

Don't make it difficult for your sister by not inviting him.
If he is an @r$e at the more intimate family dinner all agree to totally ignore him and change the subject and just talk over him. Take back control.
At the party you can lose him.
It could even be by the time of the wedding they may not be together anyway.

jolota · 25/09/2024 14:37

I didn't like my sister boyfriend when I got married. We had a small wedding and I begrudged having to invite him. But it would have caused huge upset if I refused to invite him and I didn't want to ruin my relationship with my sister over some guy.
I did try to take the higher ground but it escalated because she refused to sit on the top table without him.
Many years later and they've both matured a lot and we all get on now but it was such an unnecessary stress during wedding planning and caused a lot of heartache.
I would invite him because its not worth alienating your sister over it, but be prepared to be mad about it for a long time!

BigDahliaFan · 25/09/2024 14:40

Got any 6 foot 6 brothers or uncles who could have a quiet word with him. 'look mate - we don't like you and we don't want you there'