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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite my sister's boyfriend to my wedding

104 replies

Chittychattymatty · 21/09/2024 22:55

Hi. First time ever posting!
I love my sister. We are close and live in the same town! She is with her partner 4 years. Roughly same time as I am with mine. I cannot stand her boyfriend. Nor can my partner. He is exceptionally rude and ignorant towards us. He isn't particularly nice to my sister either. But she just doesn't see it. I have often had private conversations with her, pointing out different things that were offensive. Or behaviour towards her even that I didn't like or think was fair. She deserves so much more but for some reason she just doesn't see it. All my family are on the same page as me. We don't like him. I recently got engaged and I am actually dreading him coming to my wedding, being loud and obnoxious. Making it all about himself or he'll behave like a spoilt child and sulk.

Can I invite my sister and not have him at the wedding?

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 21/09/2024 23:26

If you're having a church wedding he could turn up regardless of not being invited and that might cause more issues from the picture you've painted of him. Anyone can go to a wedding in a church.

Copperoliverbear · 21/09/2024 23:29

I personally would not do that to my sister, even if I didn't like him, not when they had been together so long, it would be different if they'd only just got together.

noname2024 · 21/09/2024 23:38

Would having him at the wedding ruin your wedding? If so, don't invite him. You can let people know that only family and close friends are invited to the wedding. He is your sister's boyfriend, not her husband, so he's not your brother-in-law. I think your idea of inviting him to the party is a good compromise.

Livelovebehappy · 21/09/2024 23:38

If you don’t invite him, the topic of conversation at your wedding between the guests will be all about why he’s not there. So while you might think not inviting him will mean he doesn’t hijack your wedding and make it about him, he will still be hijacking your wedding by not being there.

Unrealnotunrealistic · 21/09/2024 23:39

PiggleToes · 21/09/2024 22:58

Not inviting him will be the quickest way to make you wedding all about him. Choose a drama free life and invite him.

This ^^

SavageTomato · 21/09/2024 23:54

Have you ever sat your sister down and been honest about what a fucking prick he is? I did that with a good friend and she listened. Her then boyfriend went on to OD on heroin and died, which was always on cards. She found a different man and went on to have beautiful children who are now adults.

Thunderpants88 · 21/09/2024 23:59

Could you tell him no one likes him?

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/09/2024 00:00

Technically you can't refuse anyone entry to a wedding because they may "know of a just impediment to why x and y cannot marry ", however I suppose you could have a couple of hefty mates to act as bouncers.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/09/2024 00:00

TomatoSandwiches · 21/09/2024 23:01

Don't give the twat a reason to bully your sister and keep her away from your wedding, you'll regret that more than him being there.

Yep

Noseybookworm · 22/09/2024 00:09

I would think it will make things very difficult for your sister if you don't invite him. She may feel so upset that she doesn't come to the wedding. And it could have long term consequences for your relationship with her.

Londonrach1 · 22/09/2024 00:09

Sadly you could loose your sister if you don't invite him. If the relationship was less than a year you could get away with it but it's 4 years. In theory your wedding your choice but this your sister. How you feel if your sister had a wedding and didn't ask your partner. You need to look at the bigger picture here. Your sister might need you in time if he that awful and to next invite him to the wedding you pushing him and therefore her away...agree re the laxatives in his meal...lol. Sorry op but for the greater good I think he needs to be invited. Do you have a good friend who can step on him etc on the day...keep him away from you

theothersideofmidnight · 22/09/2024 00:10

Of course you can neglect to invite him. It's your and your BF's wedding, not his. Only you get a say on who attends anything you host.

ArabellaFishwife · 22/09/2024 00:28

Don't think you have a choice, tbh, unless you want to seriously upset your sister and cause a huge rift. That'd spoil your wedding more than inviting the wanker boyfriend.

Codlingmoths · 22/09/2024 00:39

they’ve been together a while, you risk not being invited to your sisters wedding by doing this. Invite him. Say firmly my wedding is not all about you. And warn the photographer.

AliceMcK · 22/09/2024 00:45

I’d be interested to know what your DSis says when you tell her he’s not nice and what you think about him. Does she make excuses for him or is she just shocked because she dosnt see his behaviour as bad?

I have a friend like this, she would make excuses for him, by the time she’d had enough she spent 15 years with him, missed out on her chance for children and now just puts up with him because she dosnt want to start again.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 22/09/2024 00:50

i think you do have to invite him then when you have alone time with your sister tell her you are inviting him for her sake but that you are concerned about his potential behaviour on your big day ruining it for her and others. It might be the nudge she needs to see that his behaviour is poor and impacting others.

I would then line up any brothers, cousins, ushers etc to evict him if he starts being an arsehole on the day.

i hope it all goes well for you x

SD1978 · 22/09/2024 00:56

Of course you can, but it's the quickest way to further alien at your sister. She's been with him 4 years. Not inviting him, she won't come

NotSoHotMess24 · 22/09/2024 00:57

It would be better all round if you did invite him. Is there someone else you can invite yo the smaller do, to "babysit" him? Someone who he gets on alright with, who can stop him doing anything too obnoxious, if that's what you're worried about?

GiddyRobin · 22/09/2024 01:02

In my family, we tell it as it is. If we don't like someone, we say it and there's no beating around the bush and no one sulks. So no, I'd not invite him at all. But we're not on edge about stepping on toes.

If your situation is different, I'd speak to your sister. Still wouldn't invite him, though. It's your wedding.

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 08:47

Just so you know, a church is a public building so even though not invited he could just walk in and they are not allowed to refuse him access.

We asked for a private christening for dd due to mil attending and being brought from hospital covered in wires and monitors. She was very self conscious about it. The vicar advised us of the above.

As it happened she died 2 weeks before the christening ao wanst an issue but a few of the hardened church goers did turn up

Wheelz46 · 22/09/2024 09:06

Obviously it's your wedding and your choice of who you invite.

What would concern me as the bride would be the consequences for my sister's home life with her boyfriend. Would he mentally or physically do anything to her if he feels left out?

I would also worry that by not inviting him, she may not attend and you may end up pushing her away and her only support system being her boyfriend and she may stay with him so that she doesn't feel alone.

Those thoughts alone would force me into reluctantly adding him to the invite.

I suppose you may get round it if you don't invite any partners to the wedding but still if he is all for himself he still may have issue with that.

BarbaraHoward · 22/09/2024 09:15

Of course you have to invite your sister's partner of four years to the wedding. Honestly.

You don't need to like him, but your sister has chosen him (for now at least), and he's in the family. How would you feel if they didn't invite your DP? It's relationship ending stuff. If my sister hadn't invited my husband to her wedding I would've happily had nothing more to do with her, and that wouldn't have been on DH's say so.

Sassybooklover · 22/09/2024 09:16

Slightly different but when I got married, I had to invite a cousin that I can't stand, because if I hadn't my Aunt (his Mum) would have been very upset. I don't have siblings, so my extended family are very important to me. I absolutely adored my Aunt (she's sadly passed away now) and I couldn't bring myself to upset her. I sucked it up, and invited my odious cousin and his equally odious wife, for my Aunt's sake. Yes, you can not invite your sister's boyfriend but you will hurt her, she could decide not to attend your wedding. All your family know what her boyfriend is like (just as mine dislike my cousin, in fact no one in my extended family likes him), so nothing he does/says is going to shock/surprise anyone. It's one day, and it will mean you have a happy sister!

Greenshed · 22/09/2024 18:03

This is such a dilemma for you. He sounds obnoxious. However, for the sake of your relationship with your sister, which you say is close, then I don’t think you have any alternative but to invite him as well, otherwise it’s going to generate ill feeling and possibly mean your sister backs away from all of you which, from what you describe, is the last thing you’ll want to happen. Is there anyone at all in the family who can take him to one side and point out that his awful behaviour will not be tolerated and that, for your sisters sake, he has to tone it down? Difficult, I know, as people like him don’t see a problem with their behaviour.

Didimum · 22/09/2024 18:09

Poor move unfortunately. If you want a relationship with your sister you have to accept her partner.

I don’t like my sister’s partner either, but it is what it is.