Not to invite my sister's boyfriend to my wedding

[Chittychattymatty]

Hi. First time ever posting!
I love my sister. We are close and live in the same town! She is with her partner 4 years. Roughly same time as I am with mine. I cannot stand her boyfriend. Nor can my partner. He is exceptionally rude and ignorant towards us. He isn't particularly nice to my sister either. But she just doesn't see it. I have often had private conversations with her, pointing out different things that were offensive. Or behaviour towards her even that I didn't like or think was fair. She deserves so much more but for some reason she just doesn't see it. All my family are on the same page as me. We don't like him. I recently got engaged and I am actually dreading him coming to my wedding, being loud and obnoxious. Making it all about himself or he'll behave like a spoilt child and sulk.

Can I invite my sister and not have him at the wedding?

I think you've got to have him. It's your sister.

Having said that....

My best friend's boyfriend had said something incredibly rude about me to dh (something about me being a slut but in different words).

It was in fact jealousy because he had spent 6 months constantly pestering me that I was the "woman of his dreams" behind my best friend's back. It put me in a terribly awkward position because she was blindly, completely, besotted and obsessed with him.

Not only that, but when my best friend was tipped off by someone who witnessed it, she confronted ME. He had denied it and claimed it was me who pestered him. All his male friends backed him up, but it wasnt convincing because I had made it very clear I thought he was a cheating little worm. I genuinely despised him and he disgusted me.

Anyway, somehow, she did believe me despite all his gaslighting.

Fast forward 3 years. My dh said he didn't want this guy at our wedding. And despite the awkwardness of my best friend coming on her own, I did ask her to and she agreed. Luckily the third of our trio agreed to come with her rather than her boyfriend. We had very limited numbers so that was another reason.

But if it had been family I'm not sure.

Do they live together, are they engaged?

Either could be a cut off you apply to everyone.

I'd not invite him.

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer.

This is tricky and YANBU for not wanting him there. If you’re close to your sister, is there not any way you can talk to her about this directly? Maybe that’s the wrong approach, depends on the person but if my sister had a partner like that then I would very gently tell her how I feel and why (like you have here), and if she insists he comes then at the very least he has to promise to be on his best behaviour or face being removed somehow? I dunno, it’s a tough one

I think it will hurt your sister...
I would invite for her.
That door needs to be open for when they break up.

It's your wedding, so you & DP are in charge. What does DP think about it?

If you do invite loud mouth, hire security to get rid of him when he starts performing. I can't stand people like that, so I'd happily exclude him.

Is it worth discussing your concerns with DS or even him?

Invite your sister and a plus one, you could quietly suggest if it were someone else you wouldn’t be upset..? Difficult one.

Ask her whether she’d enjoy it more if she came on her own.

Invite him, just make sure he keeps out of the family photos!

I think you need to invite him primarily because in the long run, you don't want to alienate your Dsis.

However, I imagine your Dsis wants your wedding to be wonderful. So, if her BF starts acting up at your wedding, it might be the perfect time for her to see how awful he is...that his behavior is embarrassing your family and taking away from the bride and groom. It might show her that she's complicit in bringing him and make her reassess.

Do yourself a favour and invite him.
We had this with our niece, she cycled through boys like they were going out of fashion.
We didn’t even know this current guys name and said he wasn’t invited. Guess what? My husbands whole side of the family refused to come unless he was a main guest! So we unfortunately have a random guy in all our wedding photos that no one can remember and we never even bothered to find out his name either! It’s been 15 years and I’m still butt hurt over it, but to not have his family there would’ve destroyed my husband. Sometimes you have to just suck it up for the sake of your relationship x

I have been in the situation your sister is in before, and it really doesn't help when you feel like your family and friends are against you. I know that it's your wedding and you can invite whoever you like, but it will upset your sister who hasn't done anything wrong (as far as I can tell from your post).
If you want her to ultimately realise her worth and leave him, she's going to need to feel supported from all angles.
But, as I said above, it is your day and if he makes you feel uncomfortable, it's understandable you wouldn't want him there.

you can not in ite him. but be prepared for her to side with him and not come.

Your day, you want as little stress as possible. if he will make your day worse by his being there, don't risk it. Will he be a dick? Will he be argumentative or rude, don't invite him, but be prepared for her to kick off and side with him.

I'm afraid you'll have to invite him if you don't want to upset your sister, but surely you'll be so busy on the day you won't even have time to notice him and if it's a large wedding you can avoid him

Not inviting him would create such a cloud and so much fallout it would ruin you day.
Everyone knows he's a knob so they'll understand why he couldn't be left out and they'll manage - perhaps the lads could watch out and educate him if he doesn't toe-the-line.

It could be awkward when you make your decision known, but stand your ground. It's your wedding, you decide who comes.
Years ago at FIL's retirement do, quite formal, MIL and FIL decided not to invite SIL's absolutely horrible boyfriend, who had made sarcastic and nasty comments about FIL's job in the past. Instead they invited MIL's brother and he partnered his niece instead. SIL was switched on enough to understand.

Speaking as the (ex) partner of the person in this situation, I don't think you should invite him.
My ex was like this - rude, embarrassing behaviour, etc. and my friends invited him because they felt they should (heard one of the couple saying this to friends after ex loudly and rather proudly belched around other guests before yelling "well I wasn't expecting that!").
Going on my experience, it will be annoying for you, and if your sister is anything like me, she'll be extremely embarrassed and exhausted from trying to keep him away from other guests to minimise awkward situations.

Ultimately irrelevant of what you and your family think of him your sister has chosen him as her partner. So I think it would be really unkind to expect her to be okay with you not allowing her to bring him to your wedding.

Families are tricky, you aren’t always going to get on with or approve of eachother / eachothers choices but you should still be supportive and kind to one another.

He might not be the only person you dont like at your wedding . Any plus ones could be a knob. Don't fret too much about it . Most people behave in church (with luck he will have an opinion about that and won't go ). And at the meal afterwards put him on the end of a table next to your sis .

You can. It’s your wedding. My sister married someone we all hated. He filed for divorce 4 days after getting his green card, then got engaged to his gf who he had been cheating on my sister with…. Then we found out he had taken loans out in my sisters name… absolute fucking scumbag but she couldn’t see it either…

I'm sorry to say this, but you do need to think, what's the bigger emotion. Love for your sister or hatred of boyfriend. You can always be honest with her even when he's invited. Because you might as well face it, he's going to be there. What you really want is your sister to choose you over him, but she's not ready yet. She will only ever be ready when he does something to absolutely horrify her. Don't sit back and be polite if he annoys you. Just say it to his face.

is this boyfriend living with her? i think that makes a differene

my sis in law had a hhusband noone liked just had to put up with him till she realised what he was like

I'd probably invite him but tell dsis that I only invited him because I love her.

I don't suppose you could choose your wedding date to conveniently clash with another unavoidable commitment he already has?!

Unless you could get away with no-ring-no-bring for the meal it it's so small and intimate? And just invite him to the later bits.

I had to invite someone I didn't like to my wedding. Luckily he declined the invitation as he doesn't like me either. Fingers crossed?!

Invite him.

All the people saying invite him have no concern for it being your wedding and preserving yours and your soon to be husbands peace on that day. Not only will he (probably) ruin the day in some way, he will be on all the photos, you'll look back ( especially if she dumps him eventually) and always regret him being there.

Preserve your peace. You don't owe him anything.