To not want to cater for 6 extra people (family) with a days notice?

[Member346563]

My DH has 4 adult children. he is very close to his only daughter who has 4 childrenc(ages 3 to 13) she is a SAHM. However, she is quite manipulative of my husband, always has a sob story and is very good at getting money out of him ( despite her husband being a very high earner) my DH realises how he is being manipulated but as he is closer to her than his sons he indulges her and often lets things go when he wouldn’t with his boys.

We see them about once a fortnight on a weekend day, usually we go theirs as it’s easier than them getting 4 kids, 2 of whom are particularly poorly behaved, in the car, and anyway, there is not that much for them to do here (when they do come it’s not unusual for the kids to say ‘it’s boring here’ despite trying to provide them with things to do)

We babysit too, sometimes for a full daytime to give them a break, it’s hard work, the parents never leave any food for the kids just expect us to sort them out but, hey ho, we’ve got used to it. We’ve never once been offered food when we’re there to the point that I always say to DH ‘I’ll make us a meal before we go’

anyway, his daughter rang up today to say they’d like to pop over tomorrow afternoon for a visit, then she said, ‘or prehaps we could come for lunch?’

As it happens, I’m out tomorrow lunchtime for a few hours so my DH said No, just come in the afternoon for a couple of hours for cake and coffee.

This has happened a few times and my problem is that whilst I don’t mind catering for 6 extra we have a situation where we have 1 Coeliac, 1 dairy free and 1 vegetarian among the adults (the kids are easy) her husband is the vegetarian but doesn’t eat cheese or butter, so you can imagine catering for them takes some thought and often they’ll ring up in the morning and say ‘we’ve decided not to come over because (insert excuse here)

Anyway, AIBU to be miffed that we never get invited for a meal but she often hints that we should make them a meal, not only with less than 24 hours notice but also with all allergies/intolerances involved as well?

Yeah, I'm not seeing the problem here. He'll get better at catering, or he'll stay bad but they'll still come anyway and put up with it, or he'll stay bad and people will stop inviting themselves round. All of these sound fine.

A load of food from Greggs sounds perfect. They do vegan and gluten free stuff!

Well just do that then. Let him pop out to Gregg's, etc, etc. Why be concerned if he does this?

I once had to cater for 14 (!!) for lunch at a days notice, including 4 vegetarians and 4 toddlers. It was expensive, but not difficult. But when Dh invites his family around and I’m fed up with hosting them, I just go out and leave him to it. You don’t need to do everything together. He can entertain his child and grandchildren without supervision. He should relish it.

I do not see the issue with this. Your DH said no to lunch at short notice. Your husband can buy a packet of biscuits for his kids. You don't have to be involved. It's not your problem. And by not getting involved you send the clear message he looks after his kids.

His family so his problem. Let him cater. If he gets it wrong then that’s on him. Perhaps if he keeps messing up the catering they will stop coming. Perhaps his other kids don’t see him as much because of how their sister gets away with murder.

Yes you have a point. The point is we all use each other to a certain degree but it should not get to a stage where someone feels ' used '

I don’t know. Inviting themselves is a bit cheeky, but it’s his child not the other way around. We have 3 young kids, both work full time and my parents often invite us around for a meal on the weekend. They don’t expect us to reciprocate this as they know how busy it is! (& yes we’ve had this discussion explicitly, I’m not just being entitled)

@Member346563 leave them to it. DH can buy gluten free cake etc. You’re out. Not your problem. Don’t enable it. Even if you were there, leave them to it.

Sorry but you are a martyr op.
Presumably his dc all survived him being a single df?

Why have you enabled this?

Let him learn instead of always bailing him out!

Bloody hell! I'd make a point of being busy every time she suggested popping over for lunch tomorrow.

And it really irks me when I hear that people do not leave food for those baby sitting, it's just so tight fistedly mean!

If they think it is acceptable to phone up and say they are coming around with a day's notice for lunch why can't you and your DH phone up and say you are coming around to theirs for lunch? When you are babysitting ask them to get a pizza in or a ready meal or whatever you want to eat when you make the arrangements.

Let your husband organise it. You see them often so I'd suggest they come for lunch or afternoon snacks with just with your husband. That way you don't have to rush home from your lunch. You don't have to be there every single time.

I get along well with my mil and see her often but occasionally my dh and dd go see her and I get a glorious day to myself or just spend it cleaning

There are many asking if OP "likes" SD, but I would ask if SD likes and/or respects her wicked stepmother!

Sounds to me like SD has Dad wrapped around her little finger and his wife will just HAVE to look her needs and wants along with her brood whenever SD decides. If it doesn't suit, she won't turn up.

That kind of behaviour shows disrespect to stepmum. I can see how SD is manipulating Dad, while at the same time driving Stepmum crazy.

It's ok OP, I see your point. As others have said, if it doesn't suit you get DH to sort it out. But I wouldn't avoid visiting them or having them over. Do not be walked upon or taken for granted.

I would take up their offer and meet them for lunch instead.