To not want to cater for 6 extra people (family) with a days notice?

[Member346563]

My DH has 4 adult children. he is very close to his only daughter who has 4 childrenc(ages 3 to 13) she is a SAHM. However, she is quite manipulative of my husband, always has a sob story and is very good at getting money out of him ( despite her husband being a very high earner) my DH realises how he is being manipulated but as he is closer to her than his sons he indulges her and often lets things go when he wouldn’t with his boys.

We see them about once a fortnight on a weekend day, usually we go theirs as it’s easier than them getting 4 kids, 2 of whom are particularly poorly behaved, in the car, and anyway, there is not that much for them to do here (when they do come it’s not unusual for the kids to say ‘it’s boring here’ despite trying to provide them with things to do)

We babysit too, sometimes for a full daytime to give them a break, it’s hard work, the parents never leave any food for the kids just expect us to sort them out but, hey ho, we’ve got used to it. We’ve never once been offered food when we’re there to the point that I always say to DH ‘I’ll make us a meal before we go’

anyway, his daughter rang up today to say they’d like to pop over tomorrow afternoon for a visit, then she said, ‘or prehaps we could come for lunch?’

As it happens, I’m out tomorrow lunchtime for a few hours so my DH said No, just come in the afternoon for a couple of hours for cake and coffee.

This has happened a few times and my problem is that whilst I don’t mind catering for 6 extra we have a situation where we have 1 Coeliac, 1 dairy free and 1 vegetarian among the adults (the kids are easy) her husband is the vegetarian but doesn’t eat cheese or butter, so you can imagine catering for them takes some thought and often they’ll ring up in the morning and say ‘we’ve decided not to come over because (insert excuse here)

Anyway, AIBU to be miffed that we never get invited for a meal but she often hints that we should make them a meal, not only with less than 24 hours notice but also with all allergies/intolerances involved as well?

Depends if they can afford to eat out though, 2 adults and 4 kids is expensive.

I hate being put on at short notice but these are your DHs kids and he obviously knows them a lot better than you do.

So I can’t see why he can’t get some bits in for them to eat and prepare it all.

He can pop out and buy them the things that he knows they like/can eat.

You couldn’t be more wrong. Sounds like I’ve touched a nerve!

Reading between the lines OP I’m assuming the only reason your DH told them not to come for lunch is because you weren’t there to cook it - if you hadn’t already had plans you would have been expected to cater for everyone because he’s incapable/can’t be bothered?

If that’s the case you have a DH problem and need to tell him in future that he needs to cater for his daughter and family.

How long have you and DH been together? You really don’t sound like you like her very much at all.

Rice, vegetables and meat.

Soup & bread. You can have a packet of gluten/milk free bread on a shelf. It lasts forever.

Fruit for dessert.

Find a 'to go' meal working for you and serve it.
I can't eat gluten/milk and honest don't fuzz. Just keep it simple.

Glutenfree pasta.
Glutenfree bread for sandwiches.

@MumChp they don't eat meat either. Your way is not as simple as you make out. Vegan gluten free bread isn't particularly cheap either.

So you are saying there is food in their house when you got to babysit it’s just not prepared or they don’t explicitly say what to feed to DC? Hmm I think that’s normal for a family babysitter especially a grandparent surely? If I’m going out it’s trouble enough for me to be getting ready etc without preparing the kdis food when a perfectly capable grandparent is watching them. I think my DPs would feel a bit insulted if I micromanaged (in their eyes) their babysitting.

The bitter ex wives walk among us @Member346563. if you’d put daughter instead of SD you would not have got the tired old snarking from the usual suspects 🙄

YANBU and SD is cheeky. I like pps suggestion of making DH cater every time they come over…

While you are out for a few hours tomorrow lunchtime, your DH can go to the supermarket, buy some food and prepare a meal for everyone, job done!

fajitas are a quick meal for your partner to cook, just always keep a long life packet of GF wraps in house. A packet of quorn strips doesn’t take much room in the freezer for your veggie.
im not sure that the allergies are the issue here. ( we live with GF, DF and other tolerances too )
but I would have something to say if they keep cancelling at short notice

It is quite simple to be honest.

Rice, tinned tomato/beans/chickpeas and add some vegetables. (vegan, no gluten, no milk).

Serve a vegetable soup (vegan, no milk, no gluten) without bread if you won't pay for it (I think you are petty, sorry).

Food is love as they say..

It's easier to cater for 1 dairy free and 1 vegetarian that basically doesn't eat dairy, than it is 1 dairy free 1 regular vegetarian.

You only need to make one meal to cater for all of them, you're being overly dramatic. But your DH should be doing that, not you, you're out and it's his family.

It's just gluten free bread...

To be fair, you could make them meal ffs. She's a sahm to four children...it takes a community right? Honestly I really think your generation are getting it so wrong.

Id do pasta with a sauce of they want to eat - easy for dh to make the sauce and freeze it, pasta in the cupboard

@MumChp I think OP is petty. And I think your food suggestions are naff 🤷‍♀️ they are serving cake, it's easy! Buy vegan, gluten free cake - send DH to buy it and clean up after it. Plus the kids will eat it - rice with meat they won't, because they are veggi, rice and canned veg they likely won't eat because it sounds grim and they are kids.

The doctor is in.
Remote psychoanalysis 5 pence.

You sound difficult tbh. Leave it to him if it’s something you don’t want to bother with but she’s his daughter and they are his grandkids. Of course he’s going to put himself out for them.

I thought we talked about lunch and tea as well. So no faff from my side. It doesn't have to be expensive or much work to serve a meal for vegans / glutenfree.

OP could go for the Indian cousine like an Indian Red Lentil Dahl or Indian Chickpea Curry. Vegan, no gluten, no milk. Not expensive.
A lot of people we invite love Indian dishes (I dont eat gluten/milk). Easy to supply with meat for the rest of the family.

For a cup of tea?
Easy.
Buy a few gluten/milkfree cakes from Tesco and some fruit/nuits.
I really don't see what the issue is.

But if OP and husband doesn't want to host. Say no.

Read over what you've written, notice how negative you are towards his daughter and family. You sound jealous of their relationship. If you're unhappy, step away, let him sort out the food. He sounds a great dad.

First and foremost their own father can't be bothered to cater for them. As usual on MN the step mum gets it in the neck because she won't run around like a blue arsed fly and cater for individual needs. What about their actual Father! Why is a woman who won't bend over backwards and run around after step kids always accused of nit liking their step children?

Just go out and enjoy your lunch OP and in future tell DH he needs to cater.

Leave it for your DH to sort.

When my in-laws visit, DH picks up the items they like and sorts meals out.

If your DH has said, coffee and cake, and his daughter has agreed to it, that is what they get and he can go out and get the cake while you’re out.

His daughter “hinting” can easily be ignored until she can use her words and ask.

You make it sound like it's difficult.

It's not.