To not want to cater for 6 extra people (family) with a days notice?

[Member346563]

My DH has 4 adult children. he is very close to his only daughter who has 4 childrenc(ages 3 to 13) she is a SAHM. However, she is quite manipulative of my husband, always has a sob story and is very good at getting money out of him ( despite her husband being a very high earner) my DH realises how he is being manipulated but as he is closer to her than his sons he indulges her and often lets things go when he wouldn’t with his boys.

We see them about once a fortnight on a weekend day, usually we go theirs as it’s easier than them getting 4 kids, 2 of whom are particularly poorly behaved, in the car, and anyway, there is not that much for them to do here (when they do come it’s not unusual for the kids to say ‘it’s boring here’ despite trying to provide them with things to do)

We babysit too, sometimes for a full daytime to give them a break, it’s hard work, the parents never leave any food for the kids just expect us to sort them out but, hey ho, we’ve got used to it. We’ve never once been offered food when we’re there to the point that I always say to DH ‘I’ll make us a meal before we go’

anyway, his daughter rang up today to say they’d like to pop over tomorrow afternoon for a visit, then she said, ‘or prehaps we could come for lunch?’

As it happens, I’m out tomorrow lunchtime for a few hours so my DH said No, just come in the afternoon for a couple of hours for cake and coffee.

This has happened a few times and my problem is that whilst I don’t mind catering for 6 extra we have a situation where we have 1 Coeliac, 1 dairy free and 1 vegetarian among the adults (the kids are easy) her husband is the vegetarian but doesn’t eat cheese or butter, so you can imagine catering for them takes some thought and often they’ll ring up in the morning and say ‘we’ve decided not to come over because (insert excuse here)

Anyway, AIBU to be miffed that we never get invited for a meal but she often hints that we should make them a meal, not only with less than 24 hours notice but also with all allergies/intolerances involved as well?

Loads of people have said her DH should sort it.

@Pandasnacks @crowandpigeon - gluten free vegan versions of course!

Such a great dad he won’t feed them because his wife isn’t there to make it happen. Give the man a fucking medal.

I wonder how often he’d do full days of babysitting on his own. It doesn’t sound like he’s ever bothered.

Such a great dad he favours one child over the 3 others because she’s female and they’re male.

Give him a crown, a medal isn’t good enough.

That would be lovely. But my adult SD with 4 children would absolutely expect DH to foot the bill.

It's on your dh to cater.
I wouldn't expect a mum of four kids to be catering for you it's hard work and grandparents should be helpful if they are fit and well! My parents would never expect me to cook for them if they pop over to help.

Dh could keep some gluten and dairy free pizzas in the freezer and some normal pizzas for the kids, or gluten free pasta and vegan pesto in the cupboard and that's what they get given if they show up hungry - easy and cheap as chips.

YANBU, but it does sound as though your husband gets this and doesn’t try and bounce you into cooking for them, so the thing you’re stressing about isn’t actually happening.

Do you like her? It doesn't sound like you do and you seem quite disapproving of her. That's not to say you're wrong, as I don't think you are, but I get the impression there's no love lost and a back story. Do you feel as though you are competing with her for your DH's affection maybe?

I mean in these circumstances I'd always do a picky bits lunch - go out buy bread, gluten free bread, tomatoes cucumbers avocado crisps olives cheese and some cooked meats.

Some gluten free vegan chocolate cake for pudding and no problem,

(I'm lactose intolerant my DS is vegan and my DIL is gluten free)

That way everyone chooses what they want/can eat, no cooking involved.

Your DH can go and get it as well.

I think this is just about you not liking her. There’s nothing inherently difficult about what you’ve described. I’m glad to be in the kind of family where we would encourage grandparents to help themselves to whatever food they wanted to make while at our place with the kids all day, and we’d be happy with fairly spontaneous arrangements sometimes. You obviously like more structure. I think you’d probably overlook the differences if it was for someone you liked. Harder to do so when you don’t like them, it becomes more evidence for why you shouldn’t like them.

You remind me so much of my MIL: so very passive aggressive in the way you drop hints etc, but don’t want to say what you really think because you don’t have the guts. Just spit it out. What specifically is your problem?

That they invite themselves over at short notice?

That they want feeding and you don’t want to cook?

That the children are demanding and hard work for you?

That catering for them isn’t easy?

That feeding them a meal is too expensive?

That they don’t reciprocate with catering?

That your DH is softer on his DD than he is with you or his sons?

That two of the children have a low brow interest in the PlayStation?

I could go on. Your entire OP is so underhand with its implications and complaints but never saying anything upfront so as to look like you’re not the bad guy. Just say what you think, woman. All of the above issues have easy solutions. You are making this more than it needs to be precisely because you’re not saying what you think.

You know, I think the OP is getting a hard time here. Her posts remind me of a poster whose stepchildren had held her at arm’s length but then expected her to do a load of childcare. The husband enthusiastically agreed but was then shocked when she said she was off to visit her sister in Australia so wasn’t available. I think the husband’s grandchildren ended up going to nursery because he found it too much on his own.

In this case, the OP isn’t available so her husband has said they can’t come for lunch. The way she writes makes me think that he and his children expect a lot from her and show very little gratitude.

Why would anyone expect you to cater to so many needs? Just don't.

Yes but they haven’t said he clearly hates his daughter because he doesn’t want to do it, but it has been said to OP.

Why on earth people are giving you 'easy' menus to cook when that's not what you've asked for is beyond me.

They are overly familiar because they are, well, family. But you are being taken for granted in all this. I would pop into my mum's and know she's happy to feed me, I would never assume it of my stepmother even though we have a good relationship. That may differ from family to family, but it sounds like you're not all that close and the willingness to be the doting, all-feeding mother figure isn't there on your part, and I think that's OK. Let DH pull his finger out.

Next time they make that kind of suggestion, why not just respond with "yes, you're welcome to eat lunch here - just bring whatever you'd like to have"?

If your DP would rather not throw the ball back in their court in this way, he could easily bake some potatoes and heat up some baked beans to go with them (v cheap and cheerful and nutritionally balanced - cheese can even be added for those who eat it).

If they're just going to come for 'coffee' then it's not that hard to keep some vegan biscuits in the cupboard for such an eventuality - eg bourbons, oreo cookies, ginger nuts - and even a packet of gluten-free ones.

If she tries to invite herself again perhaps you could suggest that she brings a picnic for all of you?

And I don't see why you should take everyone out to a restaurant, it's expensive. Two of my DC tend to expect us to pay for them and their families if we go out, but one DS often offers to take us out. Those who expect us to pay do invite us over for meals sometimes though, which is great.

Let your husband take the strain. Stay out until they’ve gone.

I can’t imagine having dsd over for just coffee / cake. Dinner would be the absolute minimum.

Intrigued to know why her df didn't offer to host them alone?

Why is this your problem? Ask DH what his plan is for feeding them, but don't get involved. Make yourself a packed meal and take yourself off for errands. Not your circus, not your monkeys. When you issue an invite for them to come when it works for you then by all means do whatever is needed to host them considerately. If you didn't invite them then it's not your concern.

It does sound like this is a DH problem one...

Frankly, he wouldn’t know where to start. If he did host he would just pop out to Greggs, get a load of food he likes and assume everyone else would to. Then very little of it would probably get eaten. Food, cooking etc invariably falls on me as he is a poor cook (despite being a single parent for some years when the kids were young)

So let him do that and they'll stop wanting to come round and be fed.

All you do is make weirdly passive aggressive excuses and seemingly insist on martyring yourself. He wouldn't know where to start? Come the fuck on. He's a grown man. Nothing "falls" on you, you just choose to do it.

This.
Let the consequences happen.
Sorting out the consequences of other people's stupid decisions is not why you were put on this earth.