To not want to cater for 6 extra people (family) with a days notice?

[Member346563]

My DH has 4 adult children. he is very close to his only daughter who has 4 childrenc(ages 3 to 13) she is a SAHM. However, she is quite manipulative of my husband, always has a sob story and is very good at getting money out of him ( despite her husband being a very high earner) my DH realises how he is being manipulated but as he is closer to her than his sons he indulges her and often lets things go when he wouldn’t with his boys.

We see them about once a fortnight on a weekend day, usually we go theirs as it’s easier than them getting 4 kids, 2 of whom are particularly poorly behaved, in the car, and anyway, there is not that much for them to do here (when they do come it’s not unusual for the kids to say ‘it’s boring here’ despite trying to provide them with things to do)

We babysit too, sometimes for a full daytime to give them a break, it’s hard work, the parents never leave any food for the kids just expect us to sort them out but, hey ho, we’ve got used to it. We’ve never once been offered food when we’re there to the point that I always say to DH ‘I’ll make us a meal before we go’

anyway, his daughter rang up today to say they’d like to pop over tomorrow afternoon for a visit, then she said, ‘or prehaps we could come for lunch?’

As it happens, I’m out tomorrow lunchtime for a few hours so my DH said No, just come in the afternoon for a couple of hours for cake and coffee.

This has happened a few times and my problem is that whilst I don’t mind catering for 6 extra we have a situation where we have 1 Coeliac, 1 dairy free and 1 vegetarian among the adults (the kids are easy) her husband is the vegetarian but doesn’t eat cheese or butter, so you can imagine catering for them takes some thought and often they’ll ring up in the morning and say ‘we’ve decided not to come over because (insert excuse here)

Anyway, AIBU to be miffed that we never get invited for a meal but she often hints that we should make them a meal, not only with less than 24 hours notice but also with all allergies/intolerances involved as well?

Honestly let your dh cater for them. This doesn't always need to be your responsibility. Yes normally as a couple you want to plan meals and host together, but as you will be out it's on him to sort out.

Let them come in the afternoon for a couple of hours as DH said. Offer them coffee and hand a packet of biscuits round.

After a couple of hours glance at your watch and say, 'Well, it's been lovely seeing you! We'll let you get off now because you'll be wanting to get your tea on, I'm sure'.

Don't be pushed into offering tea. Laugh. Say, 'Sorry - I haven't got enough in for all of you. I was only expecting to cook for me and DH and that's what I've catered for'.

They're only coming for cake though, not a meal? Send DH out to buy some gluten free vegan cake, can't see why the vegetarian matters for cake.

Of course YANBU and stop babysitting unless you really want to. DH can do it if he wants to but you’re not obliged to give up your free time for badly behaved children and parents who can’t even be arsed to leave food.

I'd hate any of my DCs to feel like they couldn't call up and come over for lunch.

Yeah, make DH be responsible for cooking or whatever but I think it's really horrible to resent this. Surely you can just put out bread, meat, veg etc and let people help themselves, doesn't have to be a formal ten course affair?

I wouldn’t have the cheek to do that, not even to family. I’m very considerate about the work that goes into having guests, even if just for a few hours. Probably as when I moved to London from Wales everyone came to stay, many times. Coffee and cake is easy though, send DH out to buy the specific items tomorrow and job done. Obviously you’ll be hoovering up a load of crumbs but least it’s not cooking.

You're totally unreasonable for even worrying about this because your husband should be the one handling everything. If he wants to feed them, he can take care of it.

Rice or jacket potatoes and bean chilli . Done.

If I wanted to pop round to my parents for the afternoon then they would absolutely insist I have lunch there. They also had games and toys for the kids so they didn't get bored . When you say they don't leave food for the kids do you mean nothing at all or just not a prepared meal.

sorry, I was unclear, yes there is food in the house but nothing made or any directions on what they’ve left for them. We’re just expected to deal with it. We do have games, crafts etc for the kids but the older ones aren’t interested unless it’s a PlayStation and we don’t have one of them.

This sounds much deeper than catering for cake.
You refer to her as his daughter a lot; not SD
I suspect you don't like her. I'm going out on a limb but 4 young children will cause chaos. And grandparents rarely get full thanks. People put up with it because they love their family. This is not the situation here. If you are not happy, speak with your DH and ask him to visit them. What you request is not unreasonable however it means communicating with your DH as he clearly wants to spend time with them. I wish you luck.

You want to stop your husband from seeing his daughter and grandchildren because its difficult for him to cater for them because of dietary requirements? Especially when you are whinging about the dietary requirements of THREE of the adults to try and inflate the size of the issue - either you or your DH must be one of the three!

Yeah you are completely unreasonable.

You sound jealous of the daughter.

There's not a big age gap between you and your DH is there?

I think I didn’t make myself clear. I have no problem sorting out coffee and cake at short notice, it’s the hints that we could make them a meal at short notice and with many allergies/intolerances to consider and then, often, deciding in the morning not to come.

You obviously resent it and don’t like your partner’s children.

Either bow out for their sake and leave him to it, or make an effort,

That is just rude OP. To ask you to cook and then often decide not to turn up. Things can happen, but not repeatedly.

Can you try to find one easy meal that suits everyone, and keep in the freezer?

It's not about the food it's about the company. Your husband can do pasta and sauce or eggs or sandwiches, it doesn't matter what the food is.

You keep going on about "we." Tell your husband there is no "we", it's ALL HIM. Make it clear that every time his kids come to visit, hosting is his responsibility.

You keep going on about "we." Tell your husband there is no "we", it's ALL HIM. Make it clear that every time his kids come to visit, hosting is his responsibility.

How often does it even happen though? You said you see them once every 2 weeks and you normally go to them because it's easier. Also if you want them to prep the food for you when babysitting just ask them. My MIL would be insulted if I pre made the kids food and insinuated she couldn't do it, they've got 4 kids and are not mind readers. I think you should just step away from it all if you feel this way, leave your DH to sort his daughter out, I don't think she's being unreasonable, I think you just don't enjoy being a step grandparent which is absolutely fair enough.

What would be the point in him making food they can't eat?

Can't you just let your husband sort everything?

I wouldn't appreciate anyone^^ inviting themselves over for a meal.

If I'm cooking (and I love cooking) I do the inviting.

Which they can’t eat..?

'OK, let's go out for lunch!' is surely the answer? Restaurants are used to catering for people's dietary requirements.