AIBU to feel hard done by

[Glorias]

I have a boyfriend we don’t yet live together together for a number of years. Moving in and marriage is discussed and on the cards but no rush from either side. Each have kids and shared parenting with our exes. All of that is fine.

We have been on 2 big family holidays abroad over the years we have been together (popular European holiday destinations child centred holidays) and I’ve arranged weekends away in the UK as a couple a few times, usually one night stay in a hotel or Airbnb in the countryside.

We get time alone as a couple regularly but boyfriend has a pet, so we have to factor this in. When we go away as a family his parents have the pet. As a couple all of our activities revolve around our kids, wider family and pet.

Before we met boyfriend was well travelled, his parents took them all away to different places all over the world a lot up until adulthood. He has even lived abroad for a while. My parents only ever took us to one same place in the U.K. to visit our grandparents every year. He travelled a lot with his ex before kids and they have been to loads of places.

My ex and I went once to Spain to a holiday resort before we were child free and then I have been a single mum for a long time so all I could afford was caravan holidays in the U.K. My ex has taken our kids abroad lots of times as he is able to afford it.

I am getting into my 40’s now and I have not travelled very much even my own DC have seen more of the world than I have. Boyfriend was invited to go away out of the U.K. with friends twice this year and he has gone away and I’ve been left with the pet (I did offer that’s on me).

I do not have anyone else to go away to travel with, none of my friends want to do adult trips as they go with their husbands or kids. I don’t want to do boozy drinking trips just see new things and live life. I keep asking BF to come away with me but then there always seems to be a reason why we don’t go, money, time, kids, work and also he isn’t really fussed he has travelled loads and been to most of the places I would like to see. I can take my kids away for a weekend city break but it’s not the same as travelling with an adult I want an adult trip, and my kids don’t really want to do that type of thing. Yeah I know I could go alone too but that makes me feel worse.

He knows it means a lot to me and we talk about it but nothing is ever booked. I’m home alone all weekend, I’ve tried planning stuff with friends they are all busy so just me pet sitting while he is in a beautiful city I am dying to visit.

I don’t know why this annoys me so much but when we talk about holidays and I would love to go to Italy, he will suggest we save up for years and go on a massive trip to like, fucking New Zealand instead.

Maybe I want to scream* in the Sistine Chapel in my 40’s, not on the set of LOTR when I am 70.

*joke I would never

I am just feeling sorry for myself I am BU ok thanks for reading 😁

YANBU, seems ‘not that into you’ signs IMO.either that or wanting things on his terms.

I’d not be organising UK breaks or pet sitting again!

Recommend city breaks with your DC, I’d not travelled much and we all enjoyed those, there’re loads of options for things to do to please both adults and DC.

appreciate you’d prefer not to travel alone but if you’ve never tried it could be could to do a budget, short Europe trip to actually see.

I did try to go away with my eldest on a city break but they got bored sightseeing and only wanted to eat McDonalds so it was a bit like dragging them round the supermarket on a Sunday.

I could go away by myself but I don’t want to feel unsafe to go out alone at night as a single woman in a city I don’t know. The idea of going on a city break alone feels depressing I won’t lie. At least home with the pet I have some company. I’m not an introvert type of person

Maybe book something as a weekend away gift for a birthday or something and you can split up during the day so you do the sightseeing stuff that's he has done before?

You may not be a fan of travelling around on your own but you could easily do a 2 night trip to a European spot where it's direct flights so very little travelling as such. Pick a weekend every year and do 1 location each time, maybe bring kids alternate years.

I do think he is being unfair though, it's not just about seeing places but having experiences together. If I were you I'd be having a firm chat about this and saying absolutely no to a big New Zealand trip. There needs to be some compromise here.

We argue a lot about holidays too and sometimes our compromises frustrate both of us. I think its quite a common issue with couples.

I totally get it! I’ve realised that much of my travels/ planning will need to be done for me alone as a single woman as my partner just isn’t into it.
I think you need to sit down nd discuss with him properly. And do not do anymore pet sitting or organising trips in UK for you both.

I do think there may be organisations that put likeminded women travelers together. I need to look into this myself.

Also, and this is just a very vague possibility, but maybe there is someone else out there for you who is better for you than this guy. Just a thought.

He has organised a few things usually a hotel in the U.K. but usually to 2 cities we live driving distance from and we have been to a thousand times. I am bored. I said NZ and the USA can get in the bin for now don’t worry. I’m not going to buy him a gift or a surprise he’s been so many places where would I start and why should I pay for all of it?

I am a social person so part of the travel is the experience together I am looking for. When we met I was open I wanted to travel and so does he but to stupid unaffordable places or we go on family holidays where I am staring at a pool for 2 weeks straight.

It’s a big birthday coming up and I don’t even feel like organising anything he has already done something for the event without me anyway.

What about dipping your toe in with a group holiday for solo travellers? Weroad offer tours. I can understand where you are coming from. I’m approaching 50 😬and want to see more of the world but feel nervous to do it alone.

Do you think he’s actually bothered with you and the relationship….. is it just too comfy for him?

I wouldn’t discount solo travelling until you’ve tried it. I surprised myself on my first solo trip. I loved it and felt so relaxed and happy.
As has been suggested, why not try a European city break? I appreciate your concerns about safety but you could explore to your heart’s content in the day and have dinner and relax in your hotel at night. Or, if that doesn’t appeal, how about asking a friend along or go on an organised trip.
I totally get where you’re coming from though!

I have to rule out friends. I’ve asked all the ones I have and it’s not happening for various reasons.

I think if I went on an organised solo trip he would actually be hurt in that I had to resort to it and feel horribly guilty he isn’t a bad person, he’s not organising the things he is invited on either he’s just going along with plans. so either I have to make the plans or keep nagging and neither of these things are attractive or desirable to me. He’s one of those people who never plans anything - he has an intention it will happen one day but it’s clear it’s more important to me than it is him. I don’t want to come across as petty organising a trip alone now he’s away it might look like a dig if I did this now should I leave it a few months?

dont worry what it looks like. just do it although you could offer that he come too and then get on with it without him. if he wants to come he has to find someone to look after the pet and get leave and whatever and don't let his failure to do these things stop you going. solo travelling is lovely, if you are nervous just do a few days at first and you will definitely have a brilliant time screaming in the sistine chapel.

I feel more up for the idea of solo travel now. Fuck it I am lying in bed on a Saturday feeling miserable why not. Where is good to go solo in Italy?

Pets don't last forever. Pay for per care for now or go by yourself. I've tons tons of solo holidays. It's not the big deal people seem to think it is.

So pick a place (Rome) pick some dates and look the flights up, and show him. Ask if he wants to come and if he says yes give him a deadline of when you will get the flights. you can get a cheap hotel or air bnb that will be suitable for either one or two straight away, and that way he knows it's happening. The flights will be booked by end of Monday (say) so is he in or is he out? I promise you will have a good time. next time he will be dying to go with you now he's seen you're for real

And yes fuck New Zealand. Why do men always want to do huge stupid things that are stupid and annoying instead of nice easy things that are right there

@achipandachair I can’t explain how much this annoys the fuck out of me. We have these conversations where I am like well you know I haven’t been to half of Europe or basically anywhere and it’s not far away, I love Italy let’s go? And he will say ‘if you could go anywhere money no object where would you go?’ and I answer… ITALY I just said that. And he will say ‘what about America, or NZ? Don’t you ever want to go Mexico it’s amazing?’ I reply yeah well maybe one day it’s v spenny we could just go to Italy for a few days while we are able to afford that?

Then it goes back to him fantasising about all these much better places to go he’s never been - he will even say ‘what about Japan?’

OK YES SOUNDS GREAT WHO IS PAYING FOR THAT

or he will say something stupid like ‘would you ever rent a camper and drive around Italy’ I reply yes.. I would.. are we going to do that and then he will go back to talking about NZ.

New Zealand is incredible and I'd choose that over lots of Rome type trips anytime.

@Lifeasweknowitisrandom we can’t afford to go to NZ. I am not saying never. It’s not like we are even considering booking a trip to NZ in the next few years. If that was the plan I would be ok with it to some degree but again it would be a family holiday revolving around children and all we would see is the swimming pool as that’s all kids want to do on holiday. I want an adult trip. He is just fantasising. Italy is literally a few hours away for a few hundred quid for a couple of days. If he takes me to Cambridge again this year I will scream.i don’t want to go to Rome on a yearly basis I want to go once. Hes been so I will have to go alone. Same with Paris, Barcelona, most of Germany, most of Spain, a lot of Greece etc.

Life's too short & the world is a big place (apologies for 2 cliches in 1 sentence, but they are both true).

It's not your issue if he feels guilty that you've had to act on this - he know what you'd like to do & has made minimal effort.

Another vote for (sort of) solo travel - look for an organised tour around the areas you are interested in. It will be a mix of couples, small groups & solo travellers & you'll find that you end up hanging around with some of the other travellers. I've been on a few of these as a solo traveller, despite being happily married. Had a great time & have seen loads of Europe this way (11 countries in the last 3 years). Offer your boyfriend the chance of joining you, but if he isn't interested, crack on & book it yourself.

And there's nothing stopping you going to Rome solo. I've done it and so have millions of others.

@Lifeasweknowitisrandom yes I posted above this is what I will have to do. It’s not by choice though. When I met him he made out he was up for doing this kind of thing. He isn’t. It is not really what I want. Just because I can do something, doesn’t mean I want to do something and vice versa. I want to travel and share experiences with my ‘partner’ and he doesn’t so this is more about me questioning the point of us being in a relationship now

Plenty of Facebook groups and holiday booking businesses that match solo travellers up together (just as friends) or arrange group trips for people who have no one to go with, all ages.

or he will say something stupid like ‘would you ever rent a camper and drive around Italy’ I reply yes.. I would.. are we going to do that and then he will go back to talking about NZ.
@Glorias Oh Italy is lovely, but don't bother with the camper. OK, maybe that is just me, maybe you would love it. But we have just returned from a camper van trip to Scotland and it p**sed it down for most of it and I never want to spend another night in a camper!

Funnily enough we are thinking of NZ next year (it was going to be in a motorhome but after recent experience we are rethinking that bit). But, we are in our 60s, retired, and have done lots of European travel. I sympathise entirely with your position. Is it the sort of thing you could ask for for a birthday present for you?

If you're a bit nervous about your first solo trip then you can't really go far wrong with Paris. It's one of the most walkable cities in the world and there is so much to see. It's the best solo city break IMO.

Italy is wonderful OP, I just love it. Rome is another city with amazing things to see - but not as walkable as Paris, it's not my favourite place in Italy that's for sure. I'd fly to Sorrento and then perhaps make your way along the Amalfi coast using the ferries. Verona is another easy to walk around city that is extremely beautiful, we stayed just outside the old town. Florence and Venice are wonderful - but definitely avoid July and August!

Try on your own OP, you never know he might decide next time he wants to come too even if he's been before.

Oh should say I spent 3 months travelling around Europe solo in my 20's and since have been to all sorts of countries like Cambodia, Canada and Jordan. If you want to be sociable consider staying in a hostel, there are some really nice ones, they're great for meeting people and no age limit. I'm 50 and always tend to stay in them if I'm travelling solo.

Book one city-break trip solo and just do it OP. It’s not petty: he has been future-faking you on the travel front. Perhaps he will change his mind when he sees you are willing to go solo: perhaps not…but you owe yourself to try it even once! You’ve been on enough boring beach/pool holidays to keep everyone else happy: it’s time you did something for you. Good luck!

Honestly, choose something from here. https://www.google.com/search?q=over+40%27s+travel+uk&rlz=1C9BKJA_enAU811AU811&oq=over+40%27s+travel+uk&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIHCAEQABiABDIHCAIQABiABDIHCAMQABiABDIHCAQQABiABDIHCAUQABiABDIHCAYQABiABDIHCAcQABiABDIHCAgQABiABDIHCAkQABiABNIBCDc2MDlqMGo5qAIIsAIB&hl=en-GB&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

At least you will know you will be with someone/s who want to doing the same thing you want to do.

And, if he complains, DO NOT apologise, back down or anything. Stand up straight, own your decision, look forward to it and GO.

And don’t marry him or buy a house with him. He can be a treat, not an essential.

Do your research and choose your destination carefully and there's no reason why you would be unsafe as a single woman travelling alone.