AIBU to feel hard done by

[Glorias]

I have a boyfriend we don’t yet live together together for a number of years. Moving in and marriage is discussed and on the cards but no rush from either side. Each have kids and shared parenting with our exes. All of that is fine.

We have been on 2 big family holidays abroad over the years we have been together (popular European holiday destinations child centred holidays) and I’ve arranged weekends away in the UK as a couple a few times, usually one night stay in a hotel or Airbnb in the countryside.

We get time alone as a couple regularly but boyfriend has a pet, so we have to factor this in. When we go away as a family his parents have the pet. As a couple all of our activities revolve around our kids, wider family and pet.

Before we met boyfriend was well travelled, his parents took them all away to different places all over the world a lot up until adulthood. He has even lived abroad for a while. My parents only ever took us to one same place in the U.K. to visit our grandparents every year. He travelled a lot with his ex before kids and they have been to loads of places.

My ex and I went once to Spain to a holiday resort before we were child free and then I have been a single mum for a long time so all I could afford was caravan holidays in the U.K. My ex has taken our kids abroad lots of times as he is able to afford it.

I am getting into my 40’s now and I have not travelled very much even my own DC have seen more of the world than I have. Boyfriend was invited to go away out of the U.K. with friends twice this year and he has gone away and I’ve been left with the pet (I did offer that’s on me).

I do not have anyone else to go away to travel with, none of my friends want to do adult trips as they go with their husbands or kids. I don’t want to do boozy drinking trips just see new things and live life. I keep asking BF to come away with me but then there always seems to be a reason why we don’t go, money, time, kids, work and also he isn’t really fussed he has travelled loads and been to most of the places I would like to see. I can take my kids away for a weekend city break but it’s not the same as travelling with an adult I want an adult trip, and my kids don’t really want to do that type of thing. Yeah I know I could go alone too but that makes me feel worse.

He knows it means a lot to me and we talk about it but nothing is ever booked. I’m home alone all weekend, I’ve tried planning stuff with friends they are all busy so just me pet sitting while he is in a beautiful city I am dying to visit.

I don’t know why this annoys me so much but when we talk about holidays and I would love to go to Italy, he will suggest we save up for years and go on a massive trip to like, fucking New Zealand instead.

Maybe I want to scream* in the Sistine Chapel in my 40’s, not on the set of LOTR when I am 70.

*joke I would never

I am just feeling sorry for myself I am BU ok thanks for reading 😁

I would give him one last chance. Say I’m going to book a flight to Naples, do you fancy coming? If he says no, I’d say fine, I’ll book myself and do it. I’d be rethinking the relationship then too as it does not sound as if you are a priority. Half the point of being in a relationship is companionship and if he isn’t providing that, then what’s the point of him?

It sounds a bit like there’s a lot going on here and that the travel is the visible symptom of a bigger issue.

If it were just the travel you’d book and either bring him with or you’d go solo… you seem to have a lot of excuses as to why neither is acceptable which is what I’m basing my opinion on.

I’m guessing you are using the ‘romantic city break away’ as a litmus test for how much he wants to spend time with you and how much he loves you. He’s hearing all of these talks about traveling as just that a trip to have fun.

In other words to you Tuscany is the cocktails watching the sunset with your love and deep connection and to him it’s the place he visited 10 years ago and thought the food was weird.

I think you need to be clear with him what you really want. You want a shared experience where the both of you can connect on your own without the kids and daily life. And that you want that experience to be in a place that you travel to together.

I also think there’s room for compromise here. Find a location that’s reasonable that neither of you have been to. You may still have to plan a solo trip to see Rome, but you’ll also get to visit a place with him that he’s never been to.

He sounds worse and worse with every post. Seems like you do the drudge and are an option to him.

Seriously, for the sake of your DC think twice about any more ‘blended family’ stuff with your boyfriend when he treats you like this.

@saltinesandcoffeecups there is certainly a disconnect going on. I do want some form of romance. We don’t go out much, and if we do it is very local, same things we always do and low key. It’s not like we don’t have any money. We once stayed at this cool place in a U.K. city and it was so nice and he loved it and we had such a great time. But have been to this city hundreds if not thousands of times in my life so the fun special part was alone time, no kids, no drudge, a cool place to stay (but not much new to see or do) we ended up going out for 2 hours for food then he wanted to go back to our hotel and have sex. So it was just an expensive shag in all honesty.

I want to combine that experience with going somewhere interesting as I haven’t had the opportunities before.

I am going to go travel alone to get that part of the experience to see new things but the deeper issue is that he doesn’t see the value in us sharing an experience that could be romantic and get us away from daily life. So I will be sad whilst doing it for those reasons and not completely fulfilled. I do feel let down by him and I am trying to make suggestions he just comes up with stupid responses

Sounds to me like you are not getting what you need from this relationship. Id be really pissed off if I had told my partner how much I wanted to travel with him. And instead of doing that, he went away with mates to those places, and left me looking after his pet. All while basically refusing to go away with me (in any practical real way). I would question his agenda and what I really meant to him. Am I just a convenience, for when he has his children. The lack of consideration for my wishes and desires, and our future together, would change how I felt about him.

I am trying to see it from his side, some posters have offered me another view. Perhaps I am jealous that his child free life was much better than mine and he had more opportunities and that’s not his fault. He would go on holiday with his kids even if I wasn’t around. I don’t think he uses me for childcare but he’s fallen into a trap of trying to meet everyone’s needs in one go (a family holiday) and it isn’t working. He should be able to go away with his friends it’s not his fault mine aren’t available. Or perhaps he is a prick

Going away without you and with his friends occasionally is fine. It’s the bit where he will make you so miserable should you want to do the same that makes him a prick.

And that he has no wish to help you enjoy your life Continues to make him a prick.

I don’t think he uses me for childcare but he’s fallen into a trap of trying to meet everyone’s needs in one go
No OP. Based on your posts you and your needs are at the bottom of the hierarchy and I suspect the dog is higher than you. He's not considering your needs and wants at all, only what suits him.

At best you are not compatible, at worst he doesn't "see" you as a person but as someone who has to fit in to his wants and desires at all times. It sounds like this relationship has run its course. Book that trip.

I hope my post didn’t come across as harsh because I didn’t mean it that way. It just sounds like there is more to this than the traveling aspect.

I think you should do a few things…

1. have the conversation what traveling alone with him means to you
2. scratch the adventure itch by traveling on your own to the places you want to see while he does his thing. Search out solo travel companies (they aren’t all for little old ladies)

I think you're not recognizing your own role in this problem. You've got this idea in your head that he needs to enthusiastically plan this trip with you to prove he wants to go with you. When in reality it seems like he'd be perfectly happy to go on a trip with you, but you'd need to plan it.
Have you ever said, "I want to go to Naples in the spring, would you like to come with me?"
Directly asked.

I would say to him 'DP, I am going to Ljubljana (fab city, btw) on 15th November for the weekend. I'd like you to come but you need to let me know by next Friday as that's when I'm booking my flight.'
When he does a whole faux surprise act you tell him 'I want to see more of Europe. I know you've done loads of it already, but I haven't. So I'll do it with you if you fancy coming but if not I'll go alone, no prob.' Be casual.
He'll either get the message and step up and go with you or he won't. If he doesn't, I'd seriously consider whether this relationship is worth it to you. He's either lazy and inconsiderate OR you don't feel able to tell him clearly enough what you want. Neither are good.

Yeah so the last conversation we had was not long ago and I will try to summarise.

I asked if we could book a trip away together for a weekend. I knew he had this one coming up so I suggested later in the year or earlier next year. I suggested choosing somewhere together neither of us had been. He talked about some places, mentioned Nice but said it would be good for us all to go there (so not for a weekend)
I said what about just somewhere for a weekend away?

He replied ‘if money was no object and you could go anywhere, where would you go?’
I replied well lots of places I would love to see more of Italy.
He said didn’t I want to branch out and see different parts of the world?
I said yes but remember I haven’t seen much of the nearby world so I probably am not thinking as ‘big’ as him and money is an object
So I said ‘anywhere, like Italy for the weekend?’
He suggested maybe Amsterdam but on the basis he has never been. So this was one bit of progress.
Then he asked if I would consider going to New Zealand, Japan or getting a camper van around Italy.
By this point I was just giving up the discussion had moved from the tiny little bloody Ryanair bargain weekend away to something in a fantasy.
I just replied yes probably one day that would be cool to see this places. He agreed. Conversation ended

I think you’re reading too much into this conversation.

So I said ‘anywhere, like Italy for the weekend?’
He suggested maybe Amsterdam but on the basis he has never been. So this was one bit of progress.
Then he asked if I would consider going to New Zealand, Japan or getting a camper van around Italy.

You: Great I’ll book Amsterdam for you and me!

I’m going to say this nicely. He’s just not that into Italy! Let it go! 🙂

@saltinesandcoffeecups during the chat he was like well the only place I haven’t been is Amsterdam he didn’t say ‘let’s go to Amsterdam’ or seem excited about that or commit to anything. Furthermore I didn’t get to that point of when to book it because he moved on quickly to play let’s pretend we won the lottery holiday fantasy game and wanged on for a bit about Japan and NZ.

it’s hard to explain the conversations but it feels like he just diverts them to something unrealistic and then it’s hard for me to get back to the original topic.

I’m not sure… I’m trying to help but this is all still coming back to communication and expectations.

Why is it hard for you to come back to what you want in a conversation? It seems that you are waiting for him to say “Yes let’s book that trip to Amsterdam on the 25th of next month” But at the same time you are unwilling or unable to say “Right we’re agreed on Amsterdam tell me if there is any weekend in October that doesn’t work for you otherwise I’ll pick based on price “

It’s a bit cliche but this is sounding more and more of an “ask vs. guess” style https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

edit:missing apostrophe!

Also to add if I’m not helping or have completely missed the mark please say so and I’ll back out of the conversation. I’m really not trying to be unhelpful or make you feel bad in any way.

Yea communication is such a pain between us. He avoids things and I spend ages trying to work out how to ask something like this directly cos he can get funny about and expect an underlying issue. If I was to ask something bluntly he would say something like ‘you are making out like I am some kind of bastard’. Hes over sensitive to passive aggression so he sees it in things I say that I don’t mean to be PA. Unfortunately I eventually lose my temper and say something like I’m sick of this and then he will say ‘well you never said anything about this before’ when I have been trying to say something for months! If I am too direct he can get very defensive and take it personally.

on my side I probably feel awkward about forcing someone to do something just to make me happy I want them to want to do it too so perhaps I am trying to elicit signs from him before I go in direct

I don’t have this problem with anyone else I usually just say what I think, within reason I don’t go around being a dick to people I just don’t feel like I have to play a game. We have broken up over this problem before in the past

Gotcha… then yeah this is bigger than the trips.

Now we’re heading into territory that I’m going to be out of my depth in because I’m direct to a fault so it’s unlikely for me to have lasted in a relationship with someone like your DH to begin with.

If I got this line ‘you are making out like I am some kind of bastard’ I’d probably come back with something snarky along the lines of ‘I’ll call you a bastard if I think you’re acting like one and you’ll never have to guess if I’m thinking it’.. As to this trip I want to go away with you and be all lovey dovey and shit. So get the burr out of your butt and we can have a nice time together or you can sit here by yourself while I go on my own. I’m booking the trip in an hour decide before then’

I had a similar conversation with my DH early in our marriage I kept telling him to apply for a passport and he kept pushing it off. I finally told him one day I was booking a cruise and he was going to feel awfully silly waving goodbye to me at the airport as he dropped me off. *

Clearly this is why I didn’t pursue a career in relationship counseling 🤣

*This is how ‘vacation rules’ came to be in our family. If someone wants to go somewhere the other person has to make it happen for themselves or they are being left behind

Right he had text me a soppy text from his trip earlier I hadn’t replied 😂

I replied yeah I’m ok glad it’s fun. so when are we booking a break for us to go away

he replied oh we should come here

I replied yes ok.. when?

he replied we will book something

so I repeated yes ok let’s make a date this is where we are going yeah?

he sent me a photo of something said we need to come see this

so I’ve replied ok great destination agreed give me some dates

I am trying y’all 😂

A trip to Italy really wouldn’t be that much. You need to put your foot down. Italy is amazing

I went in May, not sure if the weather would be good now. There's a charming fortified castle, a nice beach promenade with restaurants, and you can take the tram to cute villages along the coast like Altea.

The next one “Great I just booked for (pick a date) look for a good restaurant to take me too!”

I am trying y’all 😂 Nicely done!

I went to Barcelona recently and on a bike tour of the city. There was a lady there on her own. She said her husband was away a lot so she went away on her own but booked onto day tours.
Rome that you mentioned is expensive but amazing so you could go there on your own and just go on guided tours if you wanted a bit of help. Or go somewhere cheaper for a couple of nights on hour own. For his birthday I would book something you would like to do. For example a spa hotel that you have always wanted to go to. Maybe one further city along than the ones you always go to.

@saltinesandcoffeecups Bad idea I think as he is drunk it turns out and is just saying all sorts of crap about how I am his ideal woman and his ‘go to’ person
well that’s easy to say from your holiday while I am home cleaning the grout in the shower pet sitting 🙄