AIBU to feel hard done by

[Glorias]

I have a boyfriend we don’t yet live together together for a number of years. Moving in and marriage is discussed and on the cards but no rush from either side. Each have kids and shared parenting with our exes. All of that is fine.

We have been on 2 big family holidays abroad over the years we have been together (popular European holiday destinations child centred holidays) and I’ve arranged weekends away in the UK as a couple a few times, usually one night stay in a hotel or Airbnb in the countryside.

We get time alone as a couple regularly but boyfriend has a pet, so we have to factor this in. When we go away as a family his parents have the pet. As a couple all of our activities revolve around our kids, wider family and pet.

Before we met boyfriend was well travelled, his parents took them all away to different places all over the world a lot up until adulthood. He has even lived abroad for a while. My parents only ever took us to one same place in the U.K. to visit our grandparents every year. He travelled a lot with his ex before kids and they have been to loads of places.

My ex and I went once to Spain to a holiday resort before we were child free and then I have been a single mum for a long time so all I could afford was caravan holidays in the U.K. My ex has taken our kids abroad lots of times as he is able to afford it.

I am getting into my 40’s now and I have not travelled very much even my own DC have seen more of the world than I have. Boyfriend was invited to go away out of the U.K. with friends twice this year and he has gone away and I’ve been left with the pet (I did offer that’s on me).

I do not have anyone else to go away to travel with, none of my friends want to do adult trips as they go with their husbands or kids. I don’t want to do boozy drinking trips just see new things and live life. I keep asking BF to come away with me but then there always seems to be a reason why we don’t go, money, time, kids, work and also he isn’t really fussed he has travelled loads and been to most of the places I would like to see. I can take my kids away for a weekend city break but it’s not the same as travelling with an adult I want an adult trip, and my kids don’t really want to do that type of thing. Yeah I know I could go alone too but that makes me feel worse.

He knows it means a lot to me and we talk about it but nothing is ever booked. I’m home alone all weekend, I’ve tried planning stuff with friends they are all busy so just me pet sitting while he is in a beautiful city I am dying to visit.

I don’t know why this annoys me so much but when we talk about holidays and I would love to go to Italy, he will suggest we save up for years and go on a massive trip to like, fucking New Zealand instead.

Maybe I want to scream* in the Sistine Chapel in my 40’s, not on the set of LOTR when I am 70.

*joke I would never

I am just feeling sorry for myself I am BU ok thanks for reading 😁

I get how you feel, I desperately want to travel having spent 30 yrs doing nothing more than camping / caravanning in uk because of various reasons, money ( lack of), pets, children, DHs health..
I've had 1 trip with a friend abroad, and we want to do another, but DH doesn't want carers in. We still have pets as well. The last time a dog walker was employed and DC were free to check on him. still ended up in hospital though this isn't always possible though.
DH is the opposite of OPs husband, though. Mine has never travelled and isn't bothered even if it was doable. It would cost a fortune in insurance.
Frustrating.

@Glorias
I think it's a bigger problem than holidays to be honest and it is probably time to call it a day .
You have told him many times what's important to you and what you want to do together and he's not bothering to even meet you half way.
I really feel for you and it's entirely understandable to want to explore the world with your partner but not fair on him to ignore what is important to you.
You're only going to feel more resentment towards him the longer you stay together.

Love that ranty post about campervanning and men @achipandachair!

It’s one of those situations where as he hasn’t come out and said he doesn’t want to go, he has at the back of his mind a little to do list with travelling with me on it just it isn’t important to him. It’s ok for different things to be important to each of us. I wouldn’t be as fed up as I am if he wasn’t currently away in a city I also want to go to but I was not invited and he didn’t organise it. Yeah I can organise it all but I don’t want to force him into it he has to want to.

I will bring it up I want to make sure I am not beint

Honestly, I think I would just go on Google flights and get booking right now. You'll feel better that the step has been taken. And book for one, travelling alone is fun because you can do what you want. It sounds like you want to go to Rome. Book the flight, then sort a hotel/accommodation, then transfers, then insurance. Finally and crucially for solo travel, get on Trip Advisor or Viator, type in Rome and choose some activities to do with a group. These are really good fun, super easy to book, and there'll be other people like you there. You won't feel alone at any point. And go for fancy lunches at nice restaurants over fancy dinners - it won't feel at all awkward when you're on your own if it's lunchtime. You only live once!

I think you're putting together your partner's different level of interest in travelling and him not caring about you.

The reality is that holidays are a lot of expense and work if you don't particularly want to go.

There is no reason you can't go alone, or on a group holiday.

It isn't your dp's fault you have different friends and life experiences.

He is currently in Europe in a city. He went similar this year earlier in the year and also went away last year. I am at home with his pet. I didn’t go on any of those trips. His level of interest is not fixed to not wanting to go to Europe or not wanting to go away. It’s a little tricky not to start wondering why these trips can’t happen with me

If he said outright he doesn’t want to go to these places with me then I would know where I stand. Is it unusual that I have never been on a weekend break further than 1 hour from home with my boyfriend in the many years we have been in a relationship. He knows I want to go and didn’t say he doesn’t want to go he just doesn’t commit to anything.

Yes I will book my own break I already said that further up the thread. It’s unlikely I will extend the invitation at this stage

Who cares if he feels hurt and guilty? It's your life slipping by. He doesn't seem to care about that.

God, he sounds so self-absorbed. What do you get out of this relationship?

How is best to broach the topic. I went for a walk to clear my head and I thought I could start by asking outright how likely it is he will want to come away with me next year for ONE WEEKEND - on a trip we plan together, not just me doing all the work and dragging him along.

Based on over 5 years of zero trips I think it’s reasonable to ask if the likelihood remains zero. I will agree that trips of a lifetime remain on the fantasy list but fantasy and imagination isn’t what I am asking for

I would say I am asking so that I am clear as to whether I am going to explore other options. The option is to book something alone.

I was planning on being up front about it but not antagonistic

This x1000

He really doesn't sound attractive. Maybe the relationship has run its course. There are 8 billion other people on the planet.

wouldn’t do any mor ‘big family holidays’ with your respective DC with someone who is unwilling to travel more than one hour to go somewhere you would like but will go to those places with/for others.

How do you broach the subject?

”I’m away to Salzburg for the weekend of … . I will look forward to telling you all about it when I get back”.

That’s how.

If he says “But what about me?”, you don’t need to answer or you can say “so what?” But I would stick to the first bit cos I can get bolshy.

I think this would go down badly as he would say I’ve already made up my mind he’s some kind of bastard, do I need to give him one last chance to commit to something of his own free will rather than forcing it.

@Loopytiles we have a family holiday planned another watch kids in the pool where there is nothing much else to see or do.

I believe some of his reluctance is that he would like to take the DC along everywhere so they get the experience too and we have clashed a couple of times with me pointing out the kids expect a pool holiday and trying to get them around a city on a break is not romantic for us and will involve just eating chicken nuggets and complaining about walking being boring.

I think you are kinda focusing on the wrong bit here tbh. I have one of these types and eventually you will realise they are essentially lazy and selfish. If you are willing to carry them at your emotional expense for the next twenty/thirty years then go ahead and marry/live together, or start realising that no matter how good or kind he is, he is not a supportive life partner for you.

so either I have to make the plans or keep nagging and neither of these things are attractive or desirable to me. He’s one of those people who never plans anything - he has an intention it will happen one day but it’s clear it’s more important to me than it is him

Well, @Glorias , either you don’t go anywhere and he is happy (and even more happy to go away himself without you) and you are NOT HAPPY or you do go away and he has the humph.

Tell me exactly why he has so much value in the relationship and you just don’t seem to have any?

I said in another thread that one of our Prime Ministers said years ago “Always back Self Interest. At least you know it’s always trying to win”. He has successfully back self interest for many years. You could take a turn.

And start to look at a life in your own, I think.

I've done some group trips with Exodus and Intrepid. Lots of different levels depending how active, adventurous, expensive etc you want your trip. Some focus on walking, culture, wildlife or similar. There's been single people, couples and friends of a variety of ages on the ones I've done. The basic ones tend to cater for gap year type age and the other ones older people, but tends to be quite mixed.

I think he’s got no idea how bothered I am about it

I am looking at breaks maybe it’s better to go next year when it’s warmer and I can go for longer and get a bit of a summer trip out of it. I’ve got things planned the next few months then it will be Christmas.

I can’t be bothered to plan anything for his birthday right now.

I don’t mind mixed age but don’t really want to go on a solely older adult trip. I’m thinking either a guided trip or just somewhere that’s got a bit of everything and make my own way round. That’s why Italy is appealing as I would love to go to Naples and Florence (Tuscany is top of my list) or even one of the lakes. I like active holidays. Somewhere easy to get to that doesn’t take a ton of planning

the list that someone posted this is what I am looking at

Florence
Naples
Barcelona
Alicante
Lanzarote
Nice (maybe don’t know how easy this is to get to)
Amsterdam
Rotterdam
Budapest
Rhodes
Kos
Crete
Malta

There are Facebook groups for women travelers such as Host a sister or various solo travelers for women.

If you're a social person, there will always be women willing to either host you or at least have a coffee with you.

They're also good for making connections in different cities.

You can also look for a specific activity that you like or book a course in another city so your days aren't just empty. My friend doesn't like traveling alone so she always plans her trips around a writing course, or a specific festival or a retreat..

I think he’s got no idea how bothered I am about it
I think he does but unfortunately for you he doesn't care enough to put that effort in. It's just pure laziness and cba. You are worth more than that so treat yourself. If he gets the hump then tell him to get booking his flight/accommodation so he can join you. He won't (but he will expect you to do it because... laziness).

Doing this will probably make or break your relationship, but you can't keep doing this for the next few years as it is YOU that's being harmed (emotionally).

First marriage. Caravan hols either the kids and my mother. One trip to Amsterdam on the ferry and back for 2 nights. 3 hols to Spain...In 22 years. I wasnt much bothered. This time. 12 years in we've done 1 family holiday (kids now grown), hundreds of uk weekends away, an adriatic cruise (definitely recommend) Rome, krakow, cyprus, benidorm, nyc, San fran, Las Vegas next year. He changed my way of thinking. I'm sad you don't get the joy of travelling with him. I'd tell him that. One last chance. Then take the bull by the horns and do it alone if necessary.

It sounds a bit like my husband in that if I don’t literally say something like “ I want to you to remember today’. He is like why? Today is the day you could have booked to go with me to Santorini but you faffed about and now I’m booking myself. I look at him deadly serious. He knows I would too. I have to push him to make a decision and then I book it. It’s how it works in my house

@Bonster37 I’ve tried so many things he will say
I’ve been to Santorini with ex and it was not that great.
Yeah I did Rome with my parents it was ok. Yeah maybe a German Christmas market I could meet up with friends I know there.
Yeah I did south of France with ex it’s ok took ages to get there

Add on basically everywhere you can get there and back in a weekend (apart from NYC I suppose) and that’s the picture

I want to go to Naples and he hasn’t been there so it could be my small fuck you but it isn’t Japan or somewhere quirky that costs thousands.

He suggested camping in the U.K. this year I declined. He also tried to get me to go to Glasto with the kids but I’ve been places like this with his kids and it is not fun they aren’t into this stuff and won’t just sit and hang out. I can’t imagine paying so much to go to Glastonbury and not seeing any acts cos the DC want to play in the park the entire weekend (which they could do at home). They are just kids it’s not their fault

He likes to save his money for doing stuff with his DC not with me I am placated with a trip to the cinema.

He does plan stuff, just not this kind of stuff.

You shouldn't need to walk on eggshells and play mind games with a partner.

It seems like he really just wants you for childcare on the holidays he will take with you.

Of that list I don't think Naples or Budapest would be best for a first solo holiday also I've been to both alone, it's best to find your feet first as a traveller. Alicante was my first solo trip, post breakup, and it was perfect. Madrid is a good one too, feels very safe and lots to do.

@Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright what time of year did you go? What is there to do there?