AIBU to feel hard done by

[Glorias]

I have a boyfriend we don’t yet live together together for a number of years. Moving in and marriage is discussed and on the cards but no rush from either side. Each have kids and shared parenting with our exes. All of that is fine.

We have been on 2 big family holidays abroad over the years we have been together (popular European holiday destinations child centred holidays) and I’ve arranged weekends away in the UK as a couple a few times, usually one night stay in a hotel or Airbnb in the countryside.

We get time alone as a couple regularly but boyfriend has a pet, so we have to factor this in. When we go away as a family his parents have the pet. As a couple all of our activities revolve around our kids, wider family and pet.

Before we met boyfriend was well travelled, his parents took them all away to different places all over the world a lot up until adulthood. He has even lived abroad for a while. My parents only ever took us to one same place in the U.K. to visit our grandparents every year. He travelled a lot with his ex before kids and they have been to loads of places.

My ex and I went once to Spain to a holiday resort before we were child free and then I have been a single mum for a long time so all I could afford was caravan holidays in the U.K. My ex has taken our kids abroad lots of times as he is able to afford it.

I am getting into my 40’s now and I have not travelled very much even my own DC have seen more of the world than I have. Boyfriend was invited to go away out of the U.K. with friends twice this year and he has gone away and I’ve been left with the pet (I did offer that’s on me).

I do not have anyone else to go away to travel with, none of my friends want to do adult trips as they go with their husbands or kids. I don’t want to do boozy drinking trips just see new things and live life. I keep asking BF to come away with me but then there always seems to be a reason why we don’t go, money, time, kids, work and also he isn’t really fussed he has travelled loads and been to most of the places I would like to see. I can take my kids away for a weekend city break but it’s not the same as travelling with an adult I want an adult trip, and my kids don’t really want to do that type of thing. Yeah I know I could go alone too but that makes me feel worse.

He knows it means a lot to me and we talk about it but nothing is ever booked. I’m home alone all weekend, I’ve tried planning stuff with friends they are all busy so just me pet sitting while he is in a beautiful city I am dying to visit.

I don’t know why this annoys me so much but when we talk about holidays and I would love to go to Italy, he will suggest we save up for years and go on a massive trip to like, fucking New Zealand instead.

Maybe I want to scream* in the Sistine Chapel in my 40’s, not on the set of LOTR when I am 70.

*joke I would never

I am just feeling sorry for myself I am BU ok thanks for reading 😁

I think it’s really important to make your own dreams come true without relying on others. Go on your own. Join a group, Try organised trips to start. Start off ‘safe’- a short trip to a city in the UK.

So have I. I've been to
Rome
Florence
Naples
Barcelona
Alicante
Lanzarote
Nice
Amsterdam
Rotterdam
Albufeira
Budapest
Rhodes
Kos
Crete
Malta
off the top of my head solo in Europe.

Why are you bothered what he thinks or feels? He's clearly not bothered about you.

Not at all ‘petty’ to book something for yourself (or yourself & the DC) and if he expresses guilt, that’s good as he’s been inconsiderate at best! His thoughts/feelings about it shouldn’t be a factor in your decisions.

If it’s his ‘milestone’ birthday coming up agree, just do something nice but low key, aligning with the (low) level of effort he’s made for you.

Why are you bothered what he thinks or feels? He's clearly not bothered about you.

And N. Cyprus and Tenerife.

Paris is where I went with my child and I didn’t feel that safe and I am someone who goes to london regularly.

I am not stuck on Rome Italy is massive. I’m not even stuck on Italy it was a suggestion but it’s not exciting enough for him. Just to clarify I want to go on a weekend break. Places like Japan, NZ etc are trips of a lifetime. I’m asking for some culture and a weekend of no kids and so
e shagging that’s all.

those wishes are not U and he’s made clear he isn’t offering you that.

Whether this is a big problem depends on how important this is to you and how he is in other ways.

Perhaps he’s not that into you / complacent / putting himself first, perhaps he’s someone who is used to others organising things for him and is lucky enough to still have that from time to time (& it’s an imbalance that you don’t).

I think going away solo will likely kill our relationship as this is already affecting my romantic feelings towards him. I’m starting to resent me just getting all the boring bits of life it’s not a turn on

What about a cruise? You see loads of different cities for 3-7 hours. I have done one that included rome and went on the cruise organised coach which took us around a few places then 2 hours to wander.

Kids may enjoy that too?

But I'd dump the man if he doesn't to come with you(for no good reasons) . My chap is not an organiser but I am so I run ideas past him then book it for both of us himself. Means we go mostly where I want but he is happy with that and I find him lots of things he likes when there (craft beer places, good sea food)

Why can't you just sit him down and say I'd like to do this trip to Prague next month, it costs £whatever and then book it.

Sometimes you have to be the organiser if you want to do stuff.

Surely though the problem would be the underlying problem(s) (boredom / low effort / rut / imbalances, not you choosing to do something without him?

You need to talk to him, assuming you want to stay together.

Set aside time to book the holiday together, and give a him a deadline. Tell him if it’s not booked by XXX you will book a solo travellers holiday.

Ugh throwing in the camper van to your idea of a nice jaunt around Italy tells me exactly what kind of a knob he is. You could so easily nip over to a cute little bnb and have all your art and shagging and spend your disposable income on wine and taxis and gondolas. But no, it’s got to be something he can put on insta and be a knob about. Something really hard work - washing up in the fucking van, chemical toilet in the fucking van, the fucking van breaking down, can’t drive the fucking van around the city because it is impractical, cant get taxis because “we’ve got the van”. Sitting in the van drinking supermarket wine in the evening because in his head being in a van is somehow cool
or alternative in some wnaky #vanlife way. AND - the main drawback - making it into this means IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN

@achipandachair cos he has already done all this with his wife. Hes done cute little Greek islands with lazy cocktails and now he wants to see more outlandish stuff. I haven’t seen the basics and I still get excited about it. He doesn’t really like walking around a museum which is fine, I wouldn’t make him do that I just want to relax and get away from normal drudge. Right now I work, clean, look after everyone else and we don’t really go anywhere exciting. Last time I asked to plan a day date he brought his friends along and said it was to kill 2 birds with one stone. LOL. I am jealous and pathetic today and I don’t want to go around booking stuff to make a point I need to think everything over carefully

I think OP wouldn’t really enjoy a solo trip because she’d be constantly aware that her partner wasn’t with her, the romantic element completely missing. I get that some people can immerse themselves in the experience of travel but half the experience for OP is having her companion there. I get it, I’d be the same

But I also think that OP can’t dictate how her partner spends his money. They are just dating at this point.

I was with someone long-term and for several reasons we didn't travel, I regret it so much. Now that I'm single I've prioritised it and am so happy but regret wasting time with him.

How could he be mad if you went away when he's been away twice?? So controlling. Also it sounds a bit like you're good enough for sex and pet sitting but not real relationship stuff. Talk of long haul trips is just manipulation.

Safety wise, trust me your confidence will increase, just start small. I don't think there's any European capital that's unsafe for women at night as long as you're careful about neighbourhoods. For the social aspect, stay in hostels or take tours like Intrepid if you have the money, or a cruise. There's also meetup.com and things like that.

If you want to go to Italy maybe start with Rome because there's tonnes of tourist infrastructure to help and packs of tourists make me feel safe (just keep a grip on your bag). I love Sardinia if you want the beach. You've got this!

Maybe look at holidays where you go with small group. Have a look at Trailfinders or most travel agents would know options/companies.

Tuscany is beautiful. You get wine tasting at vineyards. The olive groves are beautiful. Florence is amazing for the history, museums, but don't drive. The roads are manic. Go by train if staying elsewhere.
Siena is stunning. There's some beautiful coastal areas too.
It's nice to see the leaning tower but the rest of Pisa was a bit grotty with loads of foreign hawkers. They definitely target tourists.

We went in 2016 & I'd love to go back.

You could go to Milan for a long weekend, if book a hotel somewhere central (avoid the Central Station area) you can probably walk everywhere of interest (Cathedral, Castle, fashion district, canals).

@Glorias i get your frustration but one thing I have learnt is you cannot change anyone else’s behaviour but you can change your own.

Once you have done a couple of trips to Europe on your own he may suddenly start to want to come along as he feels left out.

You’re not compatible. Ditch him and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

It's a shame certainly that he doesn't want to go back to places he has been - there's many places in the same country..or take you to see places he loved. Do you like going to the same types of places, doing the same things on holidays?

Don't be put off by travelling alone- if you are sociable then you meet people and if you are an introvert it's bliss.

I think you need to sit down and have a honest conversation together about the budget for holidays and what your annual or biannual holidays can look like.