Mum drinking at pick up

[Cybertron]

After school pick up at 3.15pm a lot of us take our kids to the local park. The kids play on the playground and we sit under benches by the trees. I chat to the mums that are there and have done for a couple of years but I am not close to any of them. Today one mum was chatting to me and she reeked of booze. She told me that she had filled her water bottle with white wine and laughed saying it was the only way to get through the day. She then continued to drink the wine. Her kids are under 10. Should I say or do something or is this ok?
AIBU: leave it she deserves to unwind
YABU: drinking like that with kids is not ok

The people recommending “befriending” this person are being hopelessly naive.

Alcoholism is a hugely complex, multi factorial and often genetically influenced psychological disorder (physical if it’s got to the point of physical dependence).

The idea that an alcoholic just wants more friends is woefully simplistic. If it were that easy there would be few alcoholics. I have sadly had friends and family members who struggled with alcohol dependency. If it was as simple as lending a friendly ear it would have been solved years ago. Alcoholics by definition don’t want to admit they have a problem and don’t want help until they get to the point of losing everything.

Someone who is joking about needing to carry wine around to get through the school day is a million miles away from being ready to face her problems and a random person asking her intrusive questions about her alcohol intake is not going to seem constructive.

And that’s leaving aside the fact that most people don’t want to invite another complex and demanding relationship with a psychologically damaged individual on top of their other problems.

This woman very clearly has a problem. I am quite shocked at the extent to which people are minimising this.

Of course report to school.

The majority of parents do not conceal wine in a water cooler in the park and drink it on their own whilst stating it's the only way they can get through the day.
The normalising of using alcohol whilst parenting is a real eye opener on this thread.
The posts by those that experienced this as a child tell you all you need to know.

@ClareBlue

The normalising of using alcohol whilst parenting is a real eye opener on this thread.

Isn’t it just. It’s really shocking how much people are minimising this. A glass of wine at the end of a long day looking after children is a million miles away from carrying booze in a bottle to school pickup.

I think people are being deliberately obtuse.

agree. It just not normal is it?!

I've often been taken aback by what is supposedly "normal" on MN but to me seem bizarre and uptight- over protectiveness of children and stifling of independence, obsessions about germs and cleaning.

But this thread has me firmly in the uptight "pearl clutchers" camp.

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle

Not really a like for like comparison. The germs and cleaning neurosis is completely irrational for the most part. People fussing about taking off outdoor clothes or vacuuming or whatever has nothing to do with actual health and everything to do with uncontrolled anxiety. No one ever got ill because someone failed to take their coat off before sitting on a bed or any of this bollocks.

Worrying about alcohol intake is very rational. A lot of people are in huge denial about the harm their drinking can cause to themselves and their children.

As the child of an alcoholic who constantly minimised the impact of his drinking and passed it off as harmless social fun I find this all a bit triggering.

The wine o’clock mummies club tendency is really alarming all round. In no universe is desperately waiting to get rid of your kids so you can start on the booze positive or normal or empowering. Let’s call a spade a spade. Anyone who does this has a problem.

I wouldn't confront her, but I would tell the school.

So many poke noses about these days. Are the kids neglected, do they look abused? If not, keep your nose out. So many judgmental people on here, who probably do far worse but slate everyone else.

Have you read the thread? So many comments on here from the children of alcoholics who were passed off as being ok because they were smartly turned out.

Having clean clothes and tidy hair tells you nothing except that the parents value their kids’ appearance.

Do they look abused?

Are you serious? Plenty of children go through abuse without looking like they were abused or neglected. That goes for adults too. Countless times it has been reported, everything looked fine on the outside so no one paid any mind.

I think the general consensus is that it’s not normal behaviour. I think the “can’t make it through the day comment” is the twist in this scenario that points to it being a huge cause for concern. It’s not usual for myself or any people I know to be drinking in the afternoon straight after the school run because they can’t make it home in the evening when children are in bed. Even then people normalise drinking far too much just because they’re relaxing after a hard day. You’d be shocked if you looked at the recommended daily intake at just how much people exceed this who don’t have “drink problem”. If this was usual behaviour then lots of people would be doing it, but they’re not. Drinking in public is antisocial and always a concern when children are involved.

There will always be a handful of posters on here who love to go against the grain of all common sense just to pick an argument. They will quote almost every single poster that disagrees with them under the guise of a vague and ridiculous excuse they have come up with which “proves” you should just mind your own business but they’re in the minority and should just be ignored imo because safeguarding children is everyone’s business. Hundreds of children per year get removed from households that aren’t suitable for them to be in because people speak up with concerns such as yours. I think unless you’ve been a child from a neglectful or abusive household due to alcohol or drug problems then you can’t possibly imagine how difficult it can be for those children. I was a child who was fed, clothed and immaculately turned out by my alcoholic parent who come 7pm every evening was drinking bottles of gin or vodka through the night who then mentally and verbally abused me and deprived me of sleep. They also inappropriately used me as an emotional crutch and used to disappear and leave me for long periods of time by myself and it’s no way for a child to have to live. In the morning they made sure my school clothes were ironed and I was fed but they had been doing it for years and were accustomed to it. It was a single parent household and I had no idea it wasn’t normal so never said anything to anyone. People must have had their suspicions when I was falling asleep at school but due to circumstances at the time I was going to school 20 miles away and catching two buses to get there so people assumed that was the reason because my day was always long.

You’ve had sound advice OP, from a few people who either grew up in a household with an alcoholic parent or from recovering alcoholic themselves. They’ve highlighted this is the type of behaviour that should be flagged. You’re not a detective but if you can report it to the DSL of your child’s school they can see if it’s part of a bigger picture or not.

Talk to her .

Big difference between a glass of wine at a pub lunch with your friends, a glass of wine with your feet up watching TV at the end of the day - and putting wine in your water bottle because you can't face the day without it .

I'm sure everyone knows this.

So many of you are treating this like no big deal and that's how alcohol is treated in society - I adopted 2 girls whose birth mother drank and they suffer from it every day. Of course it was mostly done behind closed doors. The only written evidence we have is from school - the receptionist noted it. And that was hugely important to us for getting subsequent help. Social services often suspect certain behaviours but they can't act without evidence.

Personally I wouldn't tell school. I would find out how else you can report safeguarding concerns in your area and do it that way.

Ok, this lady is clearly dealing with some very challenging issues and quite obviously thought she needed to confide in you. Even if she seemed to find it funny or silly, I doubt very much she feels great about herself or the situation. What I find sad also though, is that a person would think it ok to betray that rtrust and post on social media for all and sundry to see. If you are concerned, then either take the time to get to know her and ask her the questions she's probably dying for somonee to ask her,, or let her know that you are willing to listen. Or perhaps find someone who might know her and ask them if they can help. Or go to the school and express compassionate concern. The only way someone who needs to numb themselves is going to feel safe enough to get help is if they don't feel shamed and this post shames her. So I don't think this is the right forum for this kind of issue. I totally understand why you are concerned but none of us have any idea what the backstory is here so for a whole slew of strangers to then be privy to this when she only spoke to you, feels uncomfortable. I'm sure none of us would want this sort of issue divulged in public and she chose you to talk to.

The first thing that social services will do is cross reference with the school to see whether they have any concerns. Any anonymous referral made via NSPCC is treated exactly as if a person had made the referral direct.

Meanwhile schools have their own responsibilities and if they believe there are low level concerns they can put into place an early help plan which will involve the school's safeguarding lead speaking with the parent/s concerned and also involvement of other agencies such as a referral to an agency to support with alcohol reduction .

Having re-read your original post OP I’m assuming you’ve not not met this particular mum before? Just the way you say you’ve been doing it for years as loads of people go there after school? This would be the best assessment if you’d seen her/met her/spoken to her before & compare her behaviour.
I love a glass of wine (after the kids are in bed) but would not dream of hiding it in a bottle of water to drink in the park with other school mums I didn’t know very well. Yes we can all make jokes about it taking the edge off/getting through the day etc but again I would not make these jokes in front of strangers. I do think her behaviour is inappropriate.
Next time you’re at the park I would keep an eye out for her if she’s not there maybe enquire with some of the other mums you talk to like “oh did you meet XXX the other day she seemed nice/funny/stressed” or whatever & gage what is said you may not be the only person to have noticed a problem & it may help you decide what you want to do.

Yes, I was thinking of the OP being outed as the "informant" by speaking to school rather than missing school out of the picture.

In my LA we have a Single Point of Access (SPA) which you can call and report stuff rather than speak to people who you know.

I hope she wasn't driving on the school run too?
I used to drink far too much (been sober for around 5 years) but wouldn't have dreamed of doing the school run with a stash of wine!
Do the kids seem happy?

Have you spoke with this Mum before or noticed if she seems tipsy at pick up time any other time or is this a first? was she watching the kids as they played & capable of caring for them or was she too sloshed to have done anything if she'd been needed in an emergency? I'd have an informal chat with the school voicing your concerns asking them top keep an eye out for the kids. If this is a regular thing it's definitely a safeguarding issue & needs addressing. If it's a one off it's still not good but not such a huge red flag.

Is anyone else picturing this mum as Liz from Motherland? 😄

Oh, this is awful. Wine at three o'clock to get through the day? She's got a serious problem. Please report it to the school, and hopefully they will be able to address this. Poor kids.

Let it FLY
> Over 18 it is NOT as IF the child IS still IN nappy`s

It IS totally ACCEPTABLE

Others probably annoyed - Y didn`t we think of that ? !!
Missed Opportunity

Amazed that 37% of people think this is acceptable. It totally wouldn't be acepted in our school community.

U R BEING MELODRAMATIC