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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Art class before family trip

80 replies

Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 09:37

There is a fair chance I am being unreasonable but I have lost sight of what is and isn’t normal. I’ll do my best to give all the details so that you can give me your opinions and advice, thank you.

Tomorrow, DD, DH and I have to travel somewhere, it is about 2.5 hours there and back. When we are there we will do some shopping and have a meal. We didn’t set a time but would usually leave around 10 or 11 am for this sort of thing. DD has an art class between 9 and 11 in the morning and I said it was a shame she would miss it. DH said this trip was important to him as he will be leaving for 3 weeks to go to work on Sunday (this is a regular occurrence). I asked if he thought she should go for an hour (finish class at 10am) and he was really angry. He told me I always put her first before him. I said it was only asking and it was fine that she didn’t go but he was so angry that he didn’t sleep all night.

I can understand his point of view but I don’t feel it was such a bad thing to ask. He says I’m thoughtless and don’t consider his feelings and shouldn’t have said that when we were in bed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 20/09/2024 09:42

Is he always so difficult and jealous. If the art class has no problem with you collecting her half way through a lesson and your DD wants to go, then I don’t see the problem. I wouldn’t not let her go just to appease an adult choosing to act like a child.

Twilightstarbright · 20/09/2024 09:44

His reaction isn’t normal.

In our family we’d do the art class and drive straight from there with some snacks and go for a late lunch. A regular class is hardly a curveball but his reaction is really odd. I’m guessing she’s quite young in which case yes it’s normal to have to put them first- at 16 I’d expect to leave them to take themselves to art class and home after whilst I did something.

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 09:45

It is a very small class so it would be fine, I also suggested we could go to a cafe and have breakfast while she was there, I thought that would have been nice all round .... He isn't always so difficult but he has been a bit stressed over money recently so that probably added to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 09:47

She is 5 and it is only her second week at the class. She loved it last week and has been painting all week because if it.

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonOh · 20/09/2024 09:50

If you would normally leave about 10 or 11, it would be perfectly reasonable for her to do the full class and you pick her up and do directly afterwards.

However, that's not the issue. Your dh has completely over reacted to a perfectly reasonable question. Is this normal behaviour for him, because if it is, I would consider it to be abusive. If that is the case, is this an environment you want your child to grow up in? Do you want her to think being treated like this and always putting yourself last is normal?

If it's not normal behavior, I would suggest talking about why he reacted as he did.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 20/09/2024 09:53

I'd expect to go at 11 from the art class - especially if it's new!

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 09:54

I should add, we have already paid for the class last week in advance so it is not a financial issue

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/09/2024 10:01

Why is he upset. Is it because he misses her when he is away so wants to spend the entire day with her before he goes?

Needmorelego · 20/09/2024 10:02

Is it just shopping and a meal?
You don't have to do that? Why 2 and a half hours away?

Leafcutterantsarecool · 20/09/2024 10:05

He was so angry he didn’t sleep all night?!

That is very very not normal. That is a level of rage wildly disproportionate to a suggestion that your child’s class means it makes sense to leave at 11 not 9, for a trip with no set timings. Frankly I’d be a bit scared if my DH was so angry over something so ridiculous as a suggestion to go shopping an hour later. Either he has a serious anger problem or he’s deflecting from whatever is really going on.

Choosingmiddleschool · 20/09/2024 10:05

Why do you have to drag a 5 year old 2.5 hours and back for shopping and a meal? Is there some thing which all 3 of you you have to do there?

You know your DD best but mine wouldn’t like to leave half way through some thing.

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:05

Needmorelego · 20/09/2024 10:02

Is it just shopping and a meal?
You don't have to do that? Why 2 and a half hours away?

We have to pick something up on that date but at any time and that will not take long at all. Apart from that we were just going to make the most of the trip and then head home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:09

We will be taking the train and a short ferry so she will enjoy the trip. It is DD and I who have to go, DH was just coming along for company and because when we do 'adventures' like that to new places it is always fun.

OP posts:
GinandGingerBeer · 20/09/2024 10:09

She's 5 and he's pissed off you 'always put her before him?'

I thought you were going to say she was 15 or something!

sunsetsandboardwalks · 20/09/2024 10:12

I'll bet this isn't the first time he's behaved like this.

Needmorelego · 20/09/2024 10:12

@Amoozbooze he's being a bit dramatic tbh.
Tell him "we will leave after the art class and you can either come with us or stay home and sulk".

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 20/09/2024 10:14

She should go to the class. He's being ridiculous.

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/09/2024 10:14

Leafcutterantsarecool · 20/09/2024 10:05

He was so angry he didn’t sleep all night?!

That is very very not normal. That is a level of rage wildly disproportionate to a suggestion that your child’s class means it makes sense to leave at 11 not 9, for a trip with no set timings. Frankly I’d be a bit scared if my DH was so angry over something so ridiculous as a suggestion to go shopping an hour later. Either he has a serious anger problem or he’s deflecting from whatever is really going on.

This x100. He sounds self-centered, resentful and angry.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/09/2024 10:15

Let her do the art class and go afterwards.

Rennovating4Eva · 20/09/2024 10:16

What a big baby Hmm

(Him. For the avoidance of doubt)

NoahsTortoise · 20/09/2024 10:17

Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:09

We will be taking the train and a short ferry so she will enjoy the trip. It is DD and I who have to go, DH was just coming along for company and because when we do 'adventures' like that to new places it is always fun.

Personally given this I would skip the class this week as you could face delays etc and end up getting there much later than planned.

Not sure why your DH is making it him vs your daughter though - why is the trip important to him?

AlexanderArnold · 20/09/2024 10:19

Is he actually angry about his job, which takes him away for three weeks at a time? That must be hard.

UnctuousUnicorns · 20/09/2024 10:20

If I realised I were married to a man so emotionally immature that he had an all night sulkathon over such a non issue as you have described, then I would be seriously considering if I wished to stay married to him.

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:21

It is important to him because he will be travelling to a different country for work on Sunday so wants to spend the day with us but DD and I definitely have to go. When we do trips like this I always take snacks and we have a nice time. DD loves to travel especially on the train and boat so although it is a little bit longer than ideal but it will be pleasant enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:23

AlexanderArnold · 20/09/2024 10:19

Is he actually angry about his job, which takes him away for three weeks at a time? That must be hard.

Yes, that is hard on us all but it is a regular occurrence and part of his career. He's been doing it for close to 20 years. You are correct, he is angry because of both of these things happening together.

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