Art class before family trip

[Amoozbooze]

There is a fair chance I am being unreasonable but I have lost sight of what is and isn’t normal. I’ll do my best to give all the details so that you can give me your opinions and advice, thank you.

Tomorrow, DD, DH and I have to travel somewhere, it is about 2.5 hours there and back. When we are there we will do some shopping and have a meal. We didn’t set a time but would usually leave around 10 or 11 am for this sort of thing. DD has an art class between 9 and 11 in the morning and I said it was a shame she would miss it. DH said this trip was important to him as he will be leaving for 3 weeks to go to work on Sunday (this is a regular occurrence). I asked if he thought she should go for an hour (finish class at 10am) and he was really angry. He told me I always put her first before him. I said it was only asking and it was fine that she didn’t go but he was so angry that he didn’t sleep all night.

I can understand his point of view but I don’t feel it was such a bad thing to ask. He says I’m thoughtless and don’t consider his feelings and shouldn’t have said that when we were in bed.

AIBU?

Thank you, this is the course that I will take. There are accurate things in many of these posts. He loves her, I am sure about that but he is resentful of her too and jealous of the time that she takes up with me (he does spend a lot of time with her himself too). I have to nip it in the bud and stand up for what I need, he will respect me more for it too.

She has to come with me for this trip. He does have her alone sometimes and they always have fun. I think he is jealous that he can't have all my attention and 'his life is dominated by a 5 year old'. He has 2 DC, now grown up himself he should have known what that entails!

I think with these types of posts, the op already knows what they should do and are posting to get confirmation that they are doing the right thing in reevaluating their future.

If she wants to go to the class you should take her to the class! This other trip is not a priority.

Also can you hear what you’re doing by saying “temper tantrums all around”?

You are equating the very unreasonable rage of a grown man at not having everyone fall in line with his mere wants with the quite reasonable frustration of a small child of having the rug pulled from under her - a lesson that she thought she could commit herself and her feelings to being pulled away at the last minute.

Is he a lot older than you OP?

How long have you known him?

He’s an idiot. He wants quality time with you before he leaves. But because it’s not entirely on his terms he’s fallen out with you this meaning the time before he heads off is now awful, stressful and hurtful. Right, very logical.

Obviously he is pushing for him to be the centre of your world. It’s not going to be. So either he accepts that, apologies profusely or …….its not going to work.

Is this the first time? Or has he been building up to this?

I've known him more than 20 years but obviously we haven't been together for most of that. He is sometimes like that but most of the time he isn't.

We are the same age, early forties

Yes, I know! That is why I said it. The trip is essential though, we have to do it tomorrow for very important and formal reasons.

That sounds fine as long as it’s after the art class

A grown man being jealous of your time with your actual daughter, plus the massive overreaction which is training you not to challenge him again are really quite large red flags

Thank you for all of your supportive words

In two minds.

If it was me, I'd have planned from the first for her to do the art class then pick her up and drive straight on. I'd have said that right from the start of planning

But dh has a particular thing he does at the weekends which happens come hell or high water and it is at times very frustrating. The number of times we've come back early for something, or left late because he feels he "made a commitment so must go" irritates me. Yes, I understand commitment, but when it feels that we are never able to have a full weekend off, it becomes intrusive.
So if you're always producing something he has to work round I can understand the frustration.

It’s like a massive massive red flag for me, the size of a lake.
He is very unreasonable in his attitude towards DD and towards the minor issue about the class. It’s not about missing the class or not at all. It’s about competing for attention with 5 y.o. !!!
Ffs what kind of person you should be to react like this? He is not a good man, OP, sorry, he is not stressed he is selfish he wants a different life, carefree, which is up to him by the way but he should have been honest with you from the start. You can’t give him that kind of life, you have your daughter and have to think about her.
I hope you use good contraception.

Not so stressed that he can't go recreational shopping though 🙄 what a dick.

She's 5, her thing has been scheduled already, she shouldn't have to miss any if her class so he can have you to go shopping. Its his needs trumping hers.

A FAMILY would take her to art class, adults go for a coffee or brunch, pick her up, give her a sandwich in the car on the way, shop and finish and then go for a burger on the way home together.

He is being so selfish, wanting to basically be husband and wife and pushing her her. In hisneyes, SHE has to compromise, not him. SHE is the problem. That's why he's really angry.

Because despite playing happy families to won you over, it's now a bit tedious doing the family thing all over again woth a younger woman. Fuck him.

"We" don't have to do anything. He needs to go and he should have planned his time better.

Of course your daughter comes first, for you, almost all of the time - and always has to be considered when you make most decisions whether as a parent or a couple - she can’t make her own decisions or fend for herself age 5 can she?!

Who else will put her first?

It comes with the territory of having a child and your DH should not have married you if he couldn’t see that your child would need to have her needs considered by you, her biological parent, ahead of his, an independent adult, quite a bit.

and your plan tomorrow does involve spending time together. Cafe breakfast the 2 of you while DD does her class, then head off for an adventure all together. An errand plus lunch and shopping involving a ferry and a train sounds like a good way to just hang out spending time as a family.

staying awake all night because hebis angry is controlling and over the top. If he wanted to enjoy the independence that comes with your kids being adult and having left home, he shouldn’t have married you (sorry).

Massive red flags that as her step dad he complains she always comes first. He shouldn't have married someone with children then. And this is going to create issues when she is older and can see that's how he feels about her.

Also seems red flags he sulks that much about something so trivial. Although as I always tell my husband when stressed, it's not just about that last thing that upset me, it's a build up, so he probably wasn't really awake all night JUST because of that.

However, I'm amazed at all the people saying of course she should do the class. If I was travelling that far for a day I'd want to make day of it not wait until after 11 to leave. And if I was already having to go that far the day before travelling for 3 weeks and presumably all the packing and last minute arrangements that entails, the last thing I'd want is an extra thing added to the day as well. So I can see why he didn't want to do that. After all as I understand it you are doing this because you and dd need to go to that place on that day anyway, not as a favour to him. You've decided he should come to have quality time together before he goes, but he probably feels if you add more things on it becomes more about rushing around fitting stuff for your daughter in, not quality time.

So I supppose I'm saying I don't disagree with him not wanting her to go to what sounds like something she will do every week anyway after this when you have planned a day out and he is already having a busy weekend, but the reasons and the way he has acted about it are very worrying.

I thought it was OP and her dd who needed to go, not him?

I mean if he really wanted to leave earlier and have the whole day together he could just say so and state his reasons like an adult and you would have a mature discussion about it.
Instead he chooses to sulk like a giant man-baby.
This sounds like controlling behaviour to me.
Either that or he is having other emotional/mental health issues.
Ask him ‘do you want to tell me what is really going on here?’

The more you post, the worse he sounds. Your daughter is 5. That's tiny, OP. She comes first, always. And instead you're bending over backwards to placate a grown man you've been with five minutes, who isn't afraid to show you he's jealous of a five-year-old child.

If this was me and I'd somehow managed to get into this mess, I'd be drawing a very hard boundary now. 'No. She's five, it's her second class, she goes. You need to understand that my child comes first. If you can't live with that, then we can't continue to be together.'

To clarify my 'five minutes' comment, I know you're married and have been for two years, but seeing as your child is only five, it does seem as if your relationship has been quite rushed, and it's very worrying that he's still showing resentment of her and pushing to come first with you (before a 5yo child!).
I'd go as far as to say that I don't think your daughter is safe while you are with him. Certainly not emotionally.

Does he have to leave early on Sunday? Is there a chance that there will be delays as you're taking a train and a ferry that would mean he couldn't go?
He wants to spend all day with you both missing an art class for one week won't really matter, she's honestly not going to remember her hobbies when she's older - she will however remember times she's spent with her family!

He doesn't need to go shopping, it's OP and her DD that need to go shopping - he's going along so he can spend time with his family!

Except the whole trip is for her and her DD, he doesn't need to do anything. He's just going along to spend time with them both before he leaves for 3 weeks!