Art class before family trip

[Amoozbooze]

There is a fair chance I am being unreasonable but I have lost sight of what is and isn’t normal. I’ll do my best to give all the details so that you can give me your opinions and advice, thank you.

Tomorrow, DD, DH and I have to travel somewhere, it is about 2.5 hours there and back. When we are there we will do some shopping and have a meal. We didn’t set a time but would usually leave around 10 or 11 am for this sort of thing. DD has an art class between 9 and 11 in the morning and I said it was a shame she would miss it. DH said this trip was important to him as he will be leaving for 3 weeks to go to work on Sunday (this is a regular occurrence). I asked if he thought she should go for an hour (finish class at 10am) and he was really angry. He told me I always put her first before him. I said it was only asking and it was fine that she didn’t go but he was so angry that he didn’t sleep all night.

I can understand his point of view but I don’t feel it was such a bad thing to ask. He says I’m thoughtless and don’t consider his feelings and shouldn’t have said that when we were in bed.

AIBU?

I think you plan was great, take D to art class. You two have a nice breakfast together pick her up and go the the store - she can snack in the back.

Going shopping and a meal isnt how I'd be spending quality time with a 5 year old before I went away though. Is there no zoo or child friendly activity near where you will be driving to. Or if he is worried about money and the weather will be nice a nice outside place to pay and picnic at.

And yes, the child is put first because you choose to make her and choose to commit to an activity class. It's likely you'll need to pay for the class anyway, and if it's not it's likely you'll end up further down the waiting list if it's a small class as the instructor needs acting and a secure form of income not flaky parents who cancel unless the child is sick.

I thought it was a good compromise too but was pretty unsure about myself because of his reaction. PP mentioned that this is probably not the first time that he has done something along these lines and that is true but it is not consistent, other times he is great which may be why this made me doubt myself so much.

If he travels for work regularly why is he so upset? Obviously everyone is differnet but growing up my dad travelled for work all the time. It was so normal that we didn't need to skip hobbies and make our lives revolve around dad's work to make the time special. It was just life in our family that dad went away for work.

"He told me I always put her first before him."
I'm curious about this part. Is he her dad? Does he not put her before you? Also you say you understand his view. Well I don't.

He is not her father, we have been married 2 years and since we have been together he finds work harder than previously. He has his own children, now grown up so indeed, he knew what it involves regarding leaving the family.

It sounds like he resents your dd then if he's complaining that you put her before him. Surely anyone marrying someone who already has children knows that the child will always (or at least should) come first?

You say this behaviour isn't consistent. Is that because he normally gets his own way? Do you give in "for an easy life"? You're really not doing your dd any favours by exposing her to this type of behaviour and a man who resents her.

That's a bit of a flag that he's accussing you of putting her before him She's 5. Hes a grown man. And yet it feels like you are making excuses for him saying he's "stressed" about money.

Do not subject your child to this.

Now you've said he isn't your daughters father, I'd be thinking of getting rid of him.

Of course she will always be put before him, that's a massive red flag him saying that.

Your idea sounded lovely OP and there is no way your daughter should miss her art class!

Sulky man child , jealous of your child . What's his relationship with his grown up children like ?

Yes, I probably do try to negotiate most of the time for an easy life ... that explains too my first reaction to his negative comments were to compromise and do the class for an hour. I have to be stronger for the benefit of all of us or life won't make any of us happy. Thank you for your words. Thank you everyone for all of these posts have been very useful in letting me see what is happening and I am not unreasonable and have to take some action regarding our future

Divorce him. You put your child first and show him where the door is. Of course you put her first she's a young child. Bring her to her art class in the morning and then you both have a lovely day together with that man-child. I hate seeing people put a relationship infront of their children.

Little girls who are resented by their step dads often have a terrible life. Either from awful physical abuse or the drip drip drip of emotional abuse that may not seem obvious at the time.

A 2 year marriage is nothing in the great scheme of things, I'd be calling it quits and wouldn't be subjecting her to his resentment for the next 13 years.

That was quite the drip feed! Genuinely, I'd seriously consider ending the marriage. Not over this one argument specifically, but because:

• he has clear anger issues
• he takes his problems (his work) out on you/your child
• he resents your child
• he is trying to compete with a five year old
• he now has you doubting whether you should prioritise your five year old

Following his reaction I wouldn’t completely duck out of the shopping and meal.

I would give the art class precedence anyway if she loved it and has been painting all week, esp as she is only 5 and it’s only the second class.

You can clearly go in after the class but also it’s not something I’d drag a 5 yo along for anyway - she won’t enjoy that at all esp with the long journey.

Its really important as a girl that you don’t teach her that her needs and wants come last.

I’ve just read that he’s not her dad in your updates. Absolutely bin him off for this. Do not make your child miss out due to a selfish, angry man.

YANBU, he sounds like a dick. I think your idea of a nice breakfast together sounds great.

I wonder if his response would be different if it was something he wanted to do?

Our DC all play sport, quite competitively, so we generally schedule family time around games / competitions and that's a choice we made as a family where possible, so we would wait and leave at 11, but that's just us. Talk to your DP, is there an underlying issue here or just he just not value the art classes?

I wouldn't add in the stress if a art class fir a five year old. However it sounds as though there is resentment on his part towards your DD. At her age, her needs do come first. I'd leave the art class. Do the trip. But then I'd think about the relationship and I'd have to have it out with him. The anger is worrying.

These kind of relationship posts blow my mind. It's always:

OP asks what people think/what people would do about one specific thing.
Posters tell the OP to leave their partner.
OP (often on the back of a handful of posts) says 'thank you so much for showing me that I need to reevaluate my whole future.'

Really?! I can't understand taking action on advice from virtual strangers about your real life reality. Listening to family and friends, sure. But mumsnet - no!!

fwiw, in this particular situation, he sounds immature and wrong. I'd give your daughter the choice and do what she wants to do, personally.

And absolutely the fact that he’s not her dad is a major red flag. He’s trying to drive a wedge between you, don’t put up with it. If he’s this bad now, imagine what he’ll be like when she’s a teenager.

The only hope you have is to nip it in the bud now and be very clear that you’ve suggested a very sensible compromise on this occasion but that in general you make no apologies for putting her first and if he can’t understand that you need to consider your future together.

She's a five year old little girl living in a home where a grown man she is not related to resents her for being important in her mothers eyes. Please, for your daughter's sake, get rid of this man and continue to prioritise your daughter. There is no way that any man on this planet is more important than her and he will make her life just a little bit worse than it would have been if it was just the two of you. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter, don't ruin that for a man who is jealous and resentful of her.

So you think there shouldn't be discussion forums or you think there should be but any advice given needs to be ignored? A lot of people are more open and honest about their relationship issues online than in real life so even though we don't know the full picture, based on this situation and the information given, he is not a nice step dad and shouldn't be around an innocent child that he so clearly resents.

Your DD should miss the class. His life doesn't sound great with all the working away. But his reactions were ridiculously over the top.

I don't have close family or friends in real life, the only way I could get another opinion was to ask virtual strangers. I also see the advantage of asking strangers in two ways, firstly I had to type out and think about the issue as accurately as I could and secondly the opinions of strangers are less biased than would be any one close to the situation which gives me an idea of the bigger picture.

Giving DD the choice would be the worst of any possible options!!!! She is 5, she won't understand and for sure wants to go to the class. That would not solve anything and would end up in temper tantrums all round and a thoroughly miserable day, as I mentioned previously this journey is not optional for DD and I.

Until you said he wasn't her Dad, I was going to suggest that you go do whatever needs doing alone and he spends the day local with her.

He could have taken her to her class, picked her up afterward, gone for lunch together and spent the afternoon doing something nice 1 on 1. It was so obvious a solutions I was wondering why it hadn't occurred and was also wondering if we had yet another 'never does solo care' man in the mix.

I appreciate that the relationship may not be on that level now, though. That said, she's only 5, and that's a very long time to grow up with a man in her life and home who isn't acting as 'step-dad'.

Either way round, yes, she should be your priority, and I'd be wary of a man who reacted with such over the top anger for such a small hiccup.