I was too scared to try for a second child. Now it’s too late and I’m devastated.

[JKDcot]

I had a tough pregnancy but am beyond grateful for my lovely son.
I put off even thinking about trying for a second as honestly I felt too scared and just was in denial about it. My husband tried to discuss it but honestly I just shut him down.

I have suddenly realised I’m an idiot and I feel devastated we didn’t even try. I see siblings everywhere and school drop off makes my heart sad seeing so many people with newborns and toddlers. It could have been me?

now we’re too old and I missed my chance. Please has anyone felt like this and what advice do you have to just move forward

How old are you @JKDcot?
I'm sorry this sadness is hitting you.

I’m 42

My mother was 42 when I was born. No assistance to conceive or be pregnant.
I don't want to give false hope but 42 may not be too late. Have you had fertility checks done?

That's not too old. Do you mean you can't for physical reasons?

My godmother had her last 2 children at 44 and 47. Uncommon I know but it's not unusual for women to have babies in their early 40s.

Thank you for your kind words. After lengthy discussion with my husband about all the pros and cons of trying at our age - and also me having to admit and breakdown that we didn’t try earlier because I was too scared.

he’s now not sure he wants to - he’s worried about health and risks. I can’t force him to try, he wanted to 2-3 years ago and I let him down

Eco the others - 42 isn’t too old.

Maybe the plan is to try and convince him to at least try? At this age though every month that it doesn’t happen is like a countdown clock??

I had my 3rd later than 42. She wasn't planned but healthy. You never know if you get pregnant but try.

I had my third at 42, I fell pregnant after three attempts and the pregnancy was a breeze (I am fit and healthy and dh is younger, so these are factors).

You are likely to meet a lot of people who have kids at 40+ age, it’s increasingly common.

But I do see your dh’s point, if he doesn’t want to, then he doesn’t want to.

You should not blame yourself in any way, but you do need to talk to your dh at length about it because otherwise you could end up hating him for his decision.

I’m pregnant with a surprise pregnancy at 42, you’re not too old.

42 isn’t too old. My friendship circle has parents now that are 47/48 and our little ones are only 5.
how old is your child now OP?

Well, you’re not too old at 42. But your husband would need to be fully on board.

If it doesn’t happen, or you decide against trying, it’s normal to grieve for what you didn’t have. That can feel very acute for some time, but eventually it fades in my experience. You need to look after yourself in this process though. I hope you find peace.

I have an only. I don’t regret it, but I do know there are times when seeing others with siblings is really hard. Has your dc just started school? That is a big transition, and of course reminds you of all the the parts of their life that have gone now - the newborn stage, learning to walk, learning to talk. It feels a bit like a kind of grief. These are the moments when I wish I had another child to do it with all over again.

like you, I had a traumatic pregnancy and couldn’t face doing it again. Dc is now 11 and the move to secondary has brought another wave of feelings. I am jealous of families with younger siblings. But I also recognise that part of that jealousy is me not wanting to let go of the phase of our lives when my dc was younger and i was a parent to a younger child. Of course I know that even if we had another child, those phases would go past and that would be sad too. So i don’t know if having another child would ever ‘fix’ the problem.

what I do know is that you can’t beat yourself up for things that happen to your body. Your body went through trauma and tried to protect you. Your body has aged. These are not mistakes you have made. Please be kind to yourself.

Well women do have children at 42. My brothers wife had their first child together at 42. To be fair both of them are exhausted, but I’m sure they don’t regret it. Well actually my brother does make a lot of comments like ‘bang goes retirement’ etc. He has 2 girls in their mid - late 20’s so for him it’s a big age gap and doing it all again when he’s 50 in a few months (their DC is 2 now). I had my last baby at 31, I wouldn’t have the energy for a young child now I’m peri menopausal and in my late 40’s. But as I say many women do have DC at this age, just remember there’s a much higher risk of disability.

If your DH has said no then that's it I'm afraid. Could you seek counselling?

I had my first (probably only) at 42

thank you so much for your kind comments and advice. I really appreciate it

my son just started school so yes I think this big change has caused a lot of these emotions. I miss him being my little boy and feel I won’t ever get that again. The cuddles. The little hand in your hands.

@FeralNun thank you for your kind words

@greatcoffeebadhair i appreciate you sharing your experience. I can imagine the feelings when they turn 11 must be similar. Do you feel judged for only having one? I feel people feel sorry for me….

42 isn’t too old of that’s what you both want, but you do both have to be on board with it and be ok with being slightly older parents.

You didn’t let him down, you weren’t ready.
You’re ready now.
Give it a go. I had my only child naturally at 43.

You weren't ready before and that's ok. I had 2 babies in my early 40s 💐

@JKDcot yes I do think that sometimes, but I realise that I’m probably projecting my jealousy / sadness onto them.

honestly, there are loads of great things about having an only child. Other people are probably not feeling sorry for you - they might even feel envious sometimes! Crucially, my dc is happy and has lots of friends. I honestly don’t know if that would have been the case if I’d had a second traumatic pregnancy when he was young.

You didn't want to at the time, otherwise you would have done it. It's easy to look back and think oh I should have done it, but the fact is it wasn't right for you at that point and you can't change that.

You did what felt right at the time, don't beat yourself up over it. You have your lovely child who you can give 100% to.

I had my son at 36 and also had a hard pregnancy (both the pregnancy and external stress) he was a hard baby and toddler. And I was caring for my mum who was terminally ill. I didn't want a child over forty so I knew I had a short window. I also knew I really didn't want another child at that point, dh would have gone either way I think.
Fast forward 6 years and he's a lot easier, my life and health are a lot easier. I actually thought right now another baby would have been great, but I didn't want to try in my forties so we decided to leave it. We made the right choices at the time so there's no point in regretting.

I am olser than you, pregnant first try.

Maybe it is not meant to be; you were not ready 3 years ago; he is not ready now. Try to accept it, focus on your child and husband.

If you had a bad pregnancy he may be worried that it may be more complicated now you are older that it may be more risky.

Go to the dr, get yourself check. Maybe get a some therapy.

My friend had a terrible pregnancy; she only had the one child, a beautiful 19 year old now. In fact I got 2 more friends the same, terrible pregnancies, stuck to one child.

No way is 42 old