I was too scared to try for a second child. Now it’s too late and I’m devastated.

[JKDcot]

I had a tough pregnancy but am beyond grateful for my lovely son.
I put off even thinking about trying for a second as honestly I felt too scared and just was in denial about it. My husband tried to discuss it but honestly I just shut him down.

I have suddenly realised I’m an idiot and I feel devastated we didn’t even try. I see siblings everywhere and school drop off makes my heart sad seeing so many people with newborns and toddlers. It could have been me?

now we’re too old and I missed my chance. Please has anyone felt like this and what advice do you have to just move forward

I had a traumatic birth, decided ‘never gain’. 3 years later after reassurance from my consultant I tried again. Sadly this ended in an ectopic pregnancy and more surgery, so (rightly or wrongly) I took that as a sign that I was ‘one and done’. I was incredibly sad for a few years and did have counselling.

HOWEVER my daughter is now 17 and we have had the most incredible life as a family of 3. While not planned that way, we have been able to devote all our time, money and attention to her. She’s happy and, confident and has lots of friends.

She’s off to uni next year which will be a HUGE transition for us but I’m so excited for the life she has ahead of her. There will be lots of tears no doubt!!!!

Of course I’m sad about our pregnancy loss but I’m never sad about the wonderful times we’ve had in our little family of 3. It’s been (mostly) calm, stress free and with lots of fun memories ❤️

I'm 42 and 14 weeks pregnant..I thought it would be dodgy but honestly apart from being exhausted I'm otherwise fine. It's not too late

I have two. They are not friends, they are so different - the friction between them makes life more difficult every day, and they are now in their 20s. Though I would never go back and not have the second because I love her dearly, her existence has had a significant detrimental effect on my first. I cannot imagine them being supportive to each other after I'm gone and it grieves me. There are no guarantees - before you try for another, be willing to accept any outcome!

Reading between the lines, I think your husband should be much more compassionate. Pregnancy and birth takes a huge toll on a woman's body and mind. I nearly died in my first childbirth. You weren't ready on his timeline - that wasn't you "letting him down", that was your body and mind needing more time to recover.

I did have a second which was planned but I conceived sooner than we expected. I spent most of my second pregnancy in a right state, terrified I'd become very ill again. My mind and body weren't really ready. I immediately got sterilised as soon as dc2 was born and the feeling of relief has still not left me, that I'll never have to go through the terror of childbirth again.

Men just have no bloody idea. If I knew your H I'd be giving him a talking to on your behalf. Letting him down, how dare he.

I'm not saying he needs to agree to a second child. But he has some audacity if he's allowing you to blame yourself for not being ready for a second when he wanted one.

I don’t know your situation with your first child but one thing to consider carefully is that a future child might be tougher than your number one…Our first baby more or less slept through from birth. Happy days. Our second, who we had when we both hit 40, has meant more than a year us getting (on average) maybe 4-5 hours each a night. If that. Are you ready for that sort of adjustment, or even something much more challenging, if it comes to it? Don’t assume this time around will be similar or even remotely similar to last time.

At 42 you are most likely not at all too old.

Go for it.

@greatcoffeebadhair this is a lovely post ♥️ I also have an only and am worried I will regret not having another. But I don’t really want another baby.. I sometimes think should I so there are siblings.. I don’t think it’s a good enough reason and why shouldn’t one be ok..he will be fairly secure financially unless there’s some sort of huge unlikely disaster and hopefully will have choices and not feel alone. These things worry me though. Starts school next year. I needed to see your post thanks xox

If only men could get pregnant, they'd shut up

In your shoes I would have an attempt at trying. I gave up at 44.

I was almost 42 when my lovely daughter was born.
Not as easy but it's still possible! My friend got pregnant at 43.
Go for it . It's not too late.

Could you try and reassure your husband by having all the extra tests etc?

42 isn't too old and I'd be leaning harder on DH now that you have come around to it.

You say that you feel you let him down but you didn't. You just weren't quite ready at that point and now you feel you are.

I had my two wonderful children at 39 (DS) and 42 (DD). 42 is definitely not too old. All of our lives would have been incomplete without her and DS absolutely adores his little sister, they are thick as thieves together and holidays are so much fun, I can't imagine DS not having another child to play with. That was absolutely the right decision for our family (it wouldn't be for others) but if it's what you want and you think you'll have regrets then go for it.

Don't feel regretful when you see children with siblings - yes some children will value their siblings but honestly, loads of sibling relationships are really poor or just don't add anything much to the life of the child on a daily basis.

I know loads of really happy only children.

Of course you could still try at your age, but do it for you and not your DC.

It’s certainly not too late. I’m 46 and pregnant with a healthy baby. It wasn’t an easy task - I get pregnant easily but due to age the risk of miscarriage caused by genetic abnormalities is much higher, so I had many losses before this pregnancy.

I definitely don’t feel too old. My fertility “journey” made me to rethink many lifestyle choices and habits I had and drastically improve them. I am stronger, fitter and healthier than I was before my youngest DC was born in my thirties. It took me a long time to grieve the losses and accept the fact that maybe we would never have another child, but I can’t imagine where I would have been health-wise if we didn’t decide to ttc after 42.

42 is not too old and you could try for another baby, but, I will say to you that you can’t act like that again if a problem comes up, if you are so traumatised that you can’t even speak and keep shutting your husband down for years, that is really damaging.
I would seek counselling for your birth trauma but also for yourself regarding communication as your relationship is important if you want another baby now. I hope that came out as I meant it, in a kind way.

It is not too late!

I have an only (my choice) and it is wonderful. No compromise to allow for a younger sibling. She and I are best buddies and she’s 13, nearly 14. She has never wanted a sibling (sees her cousins in action frequently). Maybe you can have another but if not the choice to have an only can be a lovely one.

There are benefits to an only one. My sister in law had her first and only at 38. She had gestational diabetes, a tough pregnancy, and then an emergency caesarean. She didn't want to roll the dice a second time. She's made peace with it.

If you really want another at 42 you could try. I'm due my second at 40th and it's been harder but I never wanted an only. Ds is 4.

Are you always like this zanatdy?

My dd had her 3rd at nearly 43.

Can you articulate why having a second is so important to you? They’re not necessarily going to be friends with a 6yrs+ age gap.

And whilst I appreciate all the “I’ve had a healthy baby at 42” posts, my personal cut-off was 40 due to the increase in risk for both mother and child.

You're romanticizing the whole second child, wonderful sibling bond thing. I have two, I love them both dearly and don't regret them for a minute. I do however have the insight that two is not the fairytale you may think. There are lots of benefits to a singleton, focus on them and enjoy your child and the good life you can still have as you get older. Siblings often can't stand each other it not all besties for life and midnight feasts. They make each others lives hard!

This. I have several friends who had second children at 42-44 without fertility treatment - one mum was a conjoined twin and not predicted to live past 15, let alone carry a baby to full term due to the absence of significant parts of her lower spine. She had two children in her forties. @JKDcot I’d go for a fertility check.