I was too scared to try for a second child. Now it’s too late and I’m devastated.

[JKDcot]

I had a tough pregnancy but am beyond grateful for my lovely son.
I put off even thinking about trying for a second as honestly I felt too scared and just was in denial about it. My husband tried to discuss it but honestly I just shut him down.

I have suddenly realised I’m an idiot and I feel devastated we didn’t even try. I see siblings everywhere and school drop off makes my heart sad seeing so many people with newborns and toddlers. It could have been me?

now we’re too old and I missed my chance. Please has anyone felt like this and what advice do you have to just move forward

It could be you feeling like you want something more because you think you can’t have it rather than actually wanting it.

But it’s hard to tell with something as big as a decision of having a baby especially when you feel there is a cut off point

Not much help but I understand how you feel but would say the same as others, you made the right decision for you at the time but you could try now. I don’t see 42 as too old and I don’t think many others do these days - it’s definitely more common.

What, realistic? Yes, as there’s a lot more to having another child apart from the romantic notion of baby moons etc. It’s a reality that people have less energy as they age. I had 14yrs between child no 1 and no 2 and there was a big chance in energy levels despite being relatively young still. If women want babies in their early 40’s then they can of course, but why pretend they will have the energy of someone half their age?

42 is not too old...you could still try. I have seen plenty of women get pregnant and have babies in their 40s! I would say it seems more common where I live to have babies in 40s than 20s! It is more risky and more difficult to get pregnant in 40s, but all is not lost. Why not try and see what happens?

No one should be ‘leaned on’ to have a child they don’t want. Your views are very unhealthy!

Hi OP

Just wanted.to say you're not alone, I was reading something about poor pregnancy and maternity care in the UK at the moment (bbc article posted on a thread yesterday) and it said that lots of people don't have a second as they had a bad experience the first time and they don't think they can put themselves through it again

@JKDcot I'm 42 tomorrow and 29 weeks pregnant! You are not too old. Had a perfect pregnancy no issues at all. Maybe get a fertility check just so you know. I know the women's clinic do a fertility MOT for about £500. They are based all over the UK. Don't write it off until you know.

You'll get over it, JKDcot, honestly you will. Just concentrate on what you have and enjoy your life. You are blessed with what so many people want and cannot have, a child.

Feeling broody is quite normal but common sense prevails after a while.

As someone who has secondary infertility I just wanted to say thank you for being so honest!

At 42 we were actively trying but it didn't happen. Now I'm 46 nearly 47 and I truly am too old (and tired and nearly always stressed). You're not too old. If your partner doesn't want to try that's a different matter.

My first textbook pregnancy ended with stillborn baby at 39 weeks. I was so scared to do it again but somehow I did had my only at 35.
I was besotted but so tired. I had very little help. Dh went through a long phase of adjusting to life with dc. We had many disagreements and i often felt not supported. We didn't talk about having about her one - I was still traumatised after my first pg, I was disappointed in my dh as a parent, I was scared of things going wrong one way or another.

Dc eventually started school, dh is finding it much easier and more fun to be a parent now, some of his friends, same age as him (45) are having babies and he has been talking to me about having a baby since last year.
My dc has asked for a sibling too. He absolutely loves being around other children but his friends are not as available as he'd like.

Unfortunately, i feel it's too late for me. I'm 43 but it's not just my age. I just feel like I'm ready to move to my next stage of my life. I have considered various outcomes and I'm just not brave enough to chance it. I think having a baby in the house will most likely be a negative for my ds who is now having all our time and resources. If their sibling is disabled we will not be around to care for them for two long.
I am constantly tired already - may be peri/ anaemia- I am exhausted at the end of every day and cannot imagine going back to sleepless nights, feeding a baby. My siblings are weight on my shoulders most of the time, rather than my support (older than me, healthy). The age gap would be too big to grow up as best friends.
My dh will resent me probably but I have considered things carefully, I have read research/books on reading and only child, I have grieved not having another and it is what it is.

I think the period of making up your mind is the hardest.
But do consider it from the pov of the dc and not of others' judging you for having one.

Hi OP, I’ve got two kids with a five year age gap and they bicker like mad most of the time. A day out with both of them is knackering, and I try and take them out separately if I can. They’ve got lots of only child friends, and I see a definite ‘peacefulness’ in one child households. I’m
sorry you’re feeling so sad about this. I had my daughter in my forties after I got pangs of worry about my son being an ‘only’. What I’m trying to say is that while I adore my kids (obvs), having two can be hard work when they argue a lot.

@Topseyt123 should OP’s husband have leaned harder on her when he wanted a second child?
The fact is, OP wasn’t ready then, and her husband isn’t ready now.
So there should be no baby.

42 isn’t too old at all. I would have another conversation with your DH. If your son has just started school, that’s not a huge age gap. Ask him if you can try now.

Yep I got pregnant unexpectedly at 42 - it's definitely possible.

Talk to your DH - that strong biological urge is very hard to ignore and it may end up coming between you if you don't at least have a proper, open conversation about it.

Dh accepted your decsion not to try, i think you owe him the same courtesy. It is sad timing didnt work out but I would try to move on.

Perhaps now he knows how you feel he will change mind on his own.

Joining in with the 'you're not too old' responses OP. I had my two at 41 and 45 (sadly also an ectopic pregnancy at 43.) Both my pregnancies were fairly uneventful and both births straightforward. I know you had a difficult first pregnancy, but it isn't inevitable that your second will be the same. I have to say though, the 4 year age gap means that mine are obviously at very different stages of development. My eldest, who is now 16, is pretty much always out with his friends and rarely bothers with his younger brother these days, but they have always gotten along well in general. No refereeing required🤣 Wishing you the best with whatever decision you and your husband make.

Agree. Don't faff about with fertility tests, just try if you both want it.

You didn't let anyone down, that's how you felt at the time and that's completely valid 🥰🥰

I was afraid to have a second child after placental abruption with my first. So we didn’t try

I became pregnant accidentally when first dc was at secondary. I was 46. It was a doddle, compared to first pregnancy , no issues at all

a friend of mine had a nearly 20 year gap

Thank you so much for everyone’s kind comments and opinions. It really is refreshing to hear so many different perspectives and I agree there is no right or wrong solution.

been thinking about it today and I realised the main emotion I feel when I see other mums with 2 kids is jealousy. I hate feeling jealous it’s such a horrible emotion. I know and agree a sibling isn’t always a friend and they can bicker. But I feel sad if I would never know.

I need to move on from feeling like I let myself down for not being brave enough to try 2-3 years ago. I can’t go back in time and that was such a strong emotion. I remember being petrified if I did get pregnant by accident. That says a lot…

I will talk to my husband this weekend and just broach the subject again if he would consider just to try. Let’s just see huh.

If it’s a no or it doesn’t happen for us then I have to find ways to move forward and remember all the wonderful feelings I have for my son.

A midwife told me more women had children after 40 than under 20 these days.

I had mine at 39, 40, 43 and 46, all naturally conceived and healthy. Be open to the idea, OP. And be honest about your reasons of trying or not.

I couldn’t face trying for a second, and when I did, I only gave myself to age 40. After that was too old for me personally (though I appreciate many choose to, and have successful pregnancies older than that). Over the years there was a lot of regret and pangs of jealousy and I worry about a time in the future when DS will be on his own without siblings. But, on the flip side, the thought that could have a child in primary at this age fills me with horror. DS is in teens and very independent so we have a lot of freedom as parents and we have a standard of living and experiences that we couldn’t afford if we had more children, Overall, the pangs are long gone and I’m grateful for the lovely life we have.

"Leaning harder on DH" what does that entail? He's said no.