Friends Husband sending Me MSG - what to do?

[Coffeeforthee]

My Friend is through a Hobby I do 3x a Week.
She doesn't drive so her DH drops her off and collects, I've met him during these occasions over 3 Years, we've also been at the same social events through the Hobby. I would say I'm relatively close to my friend, outside of Hobby we text a few times a week and have had occasional Girls Lunches together too. I've spoken to her DH plenty of times but only polite chit chat, I wouldn't consider him a Friend. My DH hasn't clicked with him on the occasions they've met either, no bad feelings just very different people.
Now the aibu - Friend obviously goes home and talks to her DH about things we've spoken about when meeting up, all fine, I do the same.
But 3 times now her DH has then sent me a text message about those conversations, for instance, I discussed my Dds current issue at College - he text me and asked about it.
AIBU to think this is a little strange, or is he just trying to make Friends?! I haven't replied, just ignored the messages so far

So odd to save your number after one call you should have mentioned the messages to your friend.

The fact he saved your number, kept it, and has continued to contact you is bizarre.

Sounds like he may have a crush on you. Especially if he doesn’t partake in this hobby and you hardly know him. If he wanted a friend, he could’ve reached out more to your partner orrr made conversation with you in person when his partner was around.. It’s good to be friendly but when he’s (perhaps secretly) saved your number, it suggests something else to me.

I would tell your friend that he’s obviously saved your number, been messaging asking about college and you didn’t know he wanted to be your friend. Also tell your husband You don’t have to say it accusingly.. Get it out in the open now incase her husband tries to make out like you tried to chat first or indase he’s inappropriate in the future (not saying he will be, he genuinely might just want to make a friend)

tell your husband too. It’s good to keep these things out in the open in case friends husband casually mentions that you have been entertaining (clean) messages.

obviously he could just be really naive, lonely for a friend and not realise how it looks. But imo it sounds like he had a crush and these things are best nipped in the bud. Tell your friend he’s saved your number.

I would definitely ask your friend to tell him to stop - it's so creepy to discuss your personal life with one person then have their spouse who you wouldn't have said all that stuff to start asking about it as if you had said it to him.

It's like he thinks he and his wife are the same person, and that everyone else should treat them as one person too. Weird and creepy.

Personally I would limit the information I share with the friend, as her DH clearly doesn't understand appropriate boundaries and, since he mentioned your personal issues to you in such an inappropriate way, he may well blab your private business to other people too.

She deserves to know, she will find out eventually (likely her partner will tell her and insinuate it was OP that started it) and the friendship will have 0 chance of survival after keeping it quiet from her so long.

if OP sees her friend regularly it’s likely she will bump into the partner and friend will sense awkwardness.

the friend is obviously telling her partner everything so I would suggest for OP to stop telling her anything private as she can’t be trusted to keep it to herself

If you want to reply-always reply to his question on her number-so sort of assuming they are BOTH asking you.

Block and deny all knowledge as others have suggested. I’ve been there once before. I ignored his messages and later found out he’d been messaging her other friends too, and was fishing to see which one would start an affair with him. Another friend had replied thinking he was just being friendly until he turned up on her doorstep by himself and she realised his real intentions.

the friend is obviously telling her partner everything so I would suggest for OP to stop telling her anything private as she can’t be trusted to keep it to herself

Yes, I would be creeped out by that personally, and I wouldn't want to tell her stuff any more, but I know lots of people feel quite comfortable with spouses sharing info with each other. So I guess it depends how OP feels about him actually knowing, but that's a separate issue from him messaging her about it.

Either way, the bit that's definitely inappropriate is the fact that he can't be trusted to behave like a grown up and keep personal stuff he's been told by his wife to himself.

I'd be mortified if my spouse did what he did, so I would imagine that telling the friend what's happening and asking for it to stop should be sufficient to make her stop telling him things anyway.

Is he a teacher or higher up in that type of field. Maybe ur friend has said to txt you to try and help you and your dd deal with the college. Also tell ur friend that you got his message asking about your dd n then ask if he's in that field of work. Something like that, but it could be harmless and your friend asked him to help or something n if not she can take it up with him then.

If he wanted to give her advice about it, he could’ve asked his Mrs to relay it to her. My partner has my sisters no in his call history from a time when I had a seizure as he needed to get hold a family member and hers was the first in my phone. This was totally fine but I’d find it bizarre and would not be happy if he saved it to chat to her privately about other stuff.

hope Op drops it into conversation. I would be shocked if her friend knew her husband was messaging.

.

Yes, that’s strange!!! Unless someone specifically tells me about their life, I don’t ask.

I agree with the others, this guy is fishing and if you provide a response, he may think he’s getting somewhere. I agree with no response and keeping some things quiet from friend.

I also wonder if this guy maybe wants to know more about your DD because he’s texting about this. I’d keep very quiet on DD’s timetable. I think this kind of thing has a creepy vibe to it.

But OP has never replied, and he hasn't done anything that blatantly suggests he wants to cheat, (although i agree its creepy) and if the friend finds out he's texted OP about innocuous stuff he will probably just downplay it as "just trying to be helpful" or similar - the OP isn't keeping some kind of dirty secret from her friend. If she blocks him she never needs to know if he tries to take it further. Speaking from my own experience, I warned a friend that her partner was talking inappropriately behind her back, as it seemed the right thing to do. All that happened was the friend pointedly avoided/ignored me for years afterwards. I didn't do anything wrong but got shot as the messenger. Since OP hasn't done anything wrong, didn't ask for it and he hasn't actually tried to flirt or cheat (yet) she might not feel its worth getting involved.

It's weird OP! I have my best friend's husband's phone number saved because over the years there have been enough times where we've been out and her phone has died or either me or him have needed to contact her through the other. I've known him for 15 years. When I call my friend and he's in the room he shouts hello down the phone. Do you know how many times he's text me to start a chat? Zero. It's never happened.

It's different if you are all friends together. I have male friends that I text often, and DP and I have shared friends we both text. But this man isn't your friend and it's weird for him to start a conversation based on his wife's intel.

I would be very uncomfortable with this. He is attempting to build a private connection with you and is trying different approaches, hoping you’ll bite.

@Coffeeforthee, I too would ignore him, and would probably shine a light by casually mentioning to your Friend that you’ve been hearing from him.

Plus, the other problem is that if OPs friend is aware of the messaging or finds out but is OK with it, then OP will find it much, much harder to ignore it/put a stop to the messages without making a big thing of it and probably offending her friend anyway. It could easily be a lose lose situation for OP. There is no proof OP has received any messages as she has never replied, there is no clear evidence of him trying to cheat, she isn't betraying her friend at this stage by just blocking and opting out of all involvement, but continuing the friendship through their hobby and avoiding the partner.

Ignore and knock it on the head, he's a married man.
I bet your hobby DF doesn't mention it to you because she doesn't know.

I know she didn’t reply, but I think even if the friend finds out about the messages (even though they are normal) she will wonder why OP didn’t tell her. She doesn’t know what sort of relationship they have, husband could be careless and leave his phone about.

If OP blocks the guy, there may be a situation in the future where she needs to contact him (similar to the reason he got her # in the first place) and her friend may wonder why he’s blocked.

the fact the husband sometimes sees OP albeit not regularly means there will likely be an elephant in the room if he’s messaging and OP’s not replying. Friend will pick up on this.

i think every woman on here would agree they’d want to know if their husband was messaging their mate they barely knew, even if there was nothing sexual or dodgy about it.

She should probably tell her husband too imo. It’s not going to look great if her phone is pinging from her friends’ husband. Even if she blocks this man, if she tells her friend and husband about the messages straight away, it means there is no chance for the friends husband to make up shite like “oh she chatted to me first and she didn’t tell you either” when she inevitably finds out.

screenshots on fb chat/ text can be edited. So it’s best to be honest right now.

A casual mention is also fine as others have suggested here. Just worth getting it out in the open.

If his first message didn't begin, I hope you don't mind me messaging. I still have you number from when ...
X just mentioned your conversation re X, I wonder if/I thought you'd be interested in...

Although subsequent messages on other topics would be a bit odd.

FWIW, my bff's spouse never calls or messages me. Anything he ever might want to communicate to me has been through my bff and that's been along the lines of, Oh, btw, Jasper said you might want to contact X for X.
And that's rare, too.

Yes I really do get what you are saying, I agree, in an ideal world OP would mention it to friend in passing, who would appreciate the heads up then put a stop to it then continue with their friendship as if notjing hsd happened. Stick together in the sisterhood and all that. But, realistically what could well happen are 1: the DH passes it off as harmless messaging, friend chooses to trust him (on its own innocuous messages are not relationship ending stuff for a lot of people) OP is now stuck getting messages from a man she feels uncomfortable with unless she tells him to stop and offends him/friend. 2. Friend sticks with husband but feels threatened/insecure about her DH contacting OP so backs right off and avoids OP from now on, also likely resenting her. That's what happened to me in this situaton when I told my friend, it was absolutely horrible. OP may now not feel comfortable/welcome at the hobby where she sees friend. 3. OP blocks/avoids him and makes sure he isn't saved in her contacts. I she does have to see him be polite but aloof. He has no messages from her as proof it was a 2 way thing because it wasn't. OP has barely met him so can't be accused of encouraging anything inappropriate. If it ever comes up/gets noticed she just says "oh I was getting texts from unknown/scam numbers so I blocked any I didn't immediately recognise without opening them.". Act oblivious. That covers her if friend checks her DH phone, he can't blame it on OP because he has no messages from her. Also if he is looking to cheat why would he draw his wifes' attention to him messaging her anyway?

I agree OP should 100% tell her own husband. If OP decides to tell friend she should prepare for it to quite possibly go down badly for herself. Even though it's very unfair. After what happened to me in this scenario I would stay out of it. But that's OPs choice!

No, they always reply but I cant understand not replying.

I think his intentions are irrelevant. If you're uncomfortable then there's a problem, and you don't have to just put up with being made uncomfortable.
As others have suggested, speak to your friend about it. Maybe send him one message, saying, please don't text me, I'm just not comfortable with it. Then ignore any other messages. That way, you've made yourself very clear, stated your boundary, and been open and honest.

I'd interpret those as unsolicited messages. I used to get some from a guy I knew vaguely, always late at night when his wife was asleep. Unless I've asked to be friends with them, I'd be blocking them.

Have you read all of OP’s responses?

1. She isn’t close to her friends DH

2. She never gave her number to him. Her friend forgot her phone one day and used OP’s phone to contact her DH. He’s then saved her number himself.

3. He’s messaging OP about things she’s personally discussed with her friend. Not with him. He wasn’t party to the original conversation.

4. He’s persists in messaging OP, despite her not replying the first time and subsequent times.

So, let’s summarise:
Man who has obtained woman’s number through a one off emergency, has saved that number and persists in messaging her, including about personal things she’s never discussed with him. And she hasn’t discussed those things with him because she isn’t a close friend with him. Despite woman not replying, man still continues to text and try and push a conversation that is clearly not wanted.

I find it WEIRD that you can’t see why there may be issues with this.

In fact the only thing I find weird about this thread, is your response.