Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Bridesmaid trouble

81 replies

Frustratedandunsure · 17/09/2024 22:01

i got engaged in Feb (yay) and immediately knew who I would want to be my 3 bridesmaid. Sister as MoH and 2 close friends. I’ve been friends with these girls for 7 years when we worked in a retail shop when we were at uni - we are close despite not seeing each other regularly / texting much. I have tried to organise dinner with the 2 bridesmaids but the younger one (27) is just not responding. She always cancels and it got to the point I just had dinner with the other friend as I wanted to touch base with her about her life and what’s been going on ( till this point we always socialised as a 3)

i have tried texting and ringing the bridesmaid but she just isn’t answering. She doesn’t read my messages and when she does she promises to ring me but she’s not free coz she’s at dinner or show. I don’t begrudge her having a life, but if she can’t even answer the phone to me when I want to ask basic qs like when are you free to do a dress shopping or do you need a plus one at which point should I take the hint that she’s not interested. I sent a fairly direct msg saying I understand life can be crazy and if she can’t be part of the wedding then I understand but she needs to tell me - silence for 2 days and then responds with hey I’ll call you tonight. Never rang. I rang her , no answer. Finally responded today saying she’s out at dinner and for me to text her my questions.

i am not dramatic- if you can’t be a bridesmaid, no skin off my back. But without information from her saying so I’m in limbo. Kicking her out of the WhatsApp group seems harsh but I don’t know what else to do.

thoughts ?

OP posts:

bevelino · 17/09/2024 22:04

OP, are you sure you want her as a bridesmaid if she is ignoring you.

Original poster

Frustratedandunsure · 17/09/2024 22:05

Oh should also mention I have asked literally nothing from her since Feb. DP and I have just chosen the venue and put down deposits so I’ve not asked for more than a dinner date so we can catch up about life and maybe touch upon the wedding

OP posts:

gamerchick · 17/09/2024 22:05

It doesnt sound as if she wants to be bridesmaid and hasnt the guts to tell you. Or she's got something going on.

I think I'd just stop trying and assume she's backed out. Tell her you hope shes alright and to get in touch when she's free. But I wouldn't mention bridesmaids anymore to her.

Maybe set up another chat rather than kick her out.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/09/2024 22:05

Oh dear. Your friend doesn't sound either interested or trustworthy, so not good bridesmaid material at all. I'd be inclined to send her a message saying that as she hasn't been in touch you've concluded that she doesn't have the head space to be your bridesmaid, so you'll be asking someone else (or going with just two). And please can she reply to the wedding invitation if she wants to come, because you'd like to see her there but will assume she can't make it if you don't hear.
Congratulations by the way, hope you have a lovely day.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 17/09/2024 22:06

Tell her you don't want her to be a bridesmaid anymore. Sounds like she doesn't really want to be one and you'll be faffing too much trying to sort it all out.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 17/09/2024 22:07

Tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid. You are supposed to have fun planning a wedding, but if you are going to have to chase her up for everything she's a) not going to be any help and b) take away from your enjoyment

distractmeagain · 17/09/2024 22:09

doesnt sound like she's on board with the whole bridesmaid thing to me...

1apenny2apenny · 17/09/2024 22:10

Congratulations on your engagement. I'm wondering if you see the friendship as much closer than she does? You've said you don't text/update very often - you don't sound very close if thats the case?

If she doesn't want to do it she should be honest, that's what a true friend would do. It sounds as though she's cutting you off?

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 17/09/2024 22:12

I would just stop messaging her.

if she ever contacts you tell her you took her silence to mean she didn’t want to be involved.

Then quietly drop her from your wedding as well.

Original poster

Frustratedandunsure · 17/09/2024 22:12

Ok so the only thing to add is that the 3rd mutual friend (who she is also ignoring) mentioned that she hasn’t posted on instagram since April ( I don’t have it so I don’t really track these things) so im unsure of other things going on. I know she has a new bf but she’s had guys in the past and never gone radio silent.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 17/09/2024 22:13

Just text her that ‘on reflection’ you’d rather she wasn’t a bridesmaid and that you hope she’s well.

You don’t have a friendship to salvage so just deal with it head on and make the decision yourself.

Merryoldgoat · 17/09/2024 22:16

Frustratedandunsure · 17/09/2024 22:12

So what though? It’s been months - if she’s got shit going on for 6+ months and hasn’t told you about it she’s not a good friend.

I have a friend of 30 years - we live 5 miles apart and hardly see each other in person. We’re in touch several times a week BUT if something is wrong we’re there for each other no question.

UltramarineViolet · 17/09/2024 22:23

When is the wedding OP?

Original poster

Frustratedandunsure · 17/09/2024 22:24

UltramarineViolet · 17/09/2024 22:23

When is the wedding OP?

August 2025

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 17/09/2024 22:28

Cut your losses. She clearly doesn't want to be a bridesmaid.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 17/09/2024 22:29

gamerchick · 17/09/2024 22:05

It doesnt sound as if she wants to be bridesmaid and hasnt the guts to tell you. Or she's got something going on.

I think I'd just stop trying and assume she's backed out. Tell her you hope shes alright and to get in touch when she's free. But I wouldn't mention bridesmaids anymore to her.

Maybe set up another chat rather than kick her out.

I’d do this because I hate confrontation. Stop messaging her. Set up a new chat without her in it. And just carry on with your plans without her.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/09/2024 22:31

Frustratedandunsure · 17/09/2024 22:12

Maybe she's not OK then? In which case a message expressing concern is in order, or maybe a phone call. But it sounds stressful to continue regarding her as a bridesmaid if she isn't behaving like one, so it might still be cleanest to let her off the hook now. Might even be a relief to her, if she doesn't feel up for it and hasn't the energy to tell you properly.

Cosyblankets · 17/09/2024 22:31

Take the decision out of her hands

parlour · 17/09/2024 22:36

She doesn't want to be a bridesmaid but doesn't want to tell you, probably finds the idea of telling you awkward

Time to find a new BM

Gillyyy · 17/09/2024 22:45

Is the Instagram silence out of character? I wouldn’t rush to drop her as a bridesmaid as others have suggested. Although she hasn’t shown interest in being a bridesmaid, she could also be experiencing some kind of anxiety/depression that’s making communicating hard. Do you live near? If I was worried about a friend I might make an excuse to call in to see them and see how they’re doing. Also, in person you’ll be able to see how she is, if she’s going through something or if she’s absolutely fine and not keen on being s bridesmaid.

Dora33 · 17/09/2024 22:47

I'm guessing that she doesn't see the friendship as close as you do. If I didn't see someone often or didn't text regularly, I wouldn't consider them to be a close friend. She might view you and your other friend the same, especially if the friendship only started 7 years ago.
Best to let her know you have decided to have only 1 bridesmaid's along with your sister as MOH.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 17/09/2024 22:54

I think you've been very level headed and handles it properly so far and if I was you I would remove her as bridesmaid and send her a message explaining why. Make it clear she is still welcome to the wedding and a guest but you think she has too much going on to be able to support you as a bridesmaid. Hopefully she handles it maturely and you still remain friends but know that there is a huge chance your friendship may be over if you make the decision to remove her.

Alternative is to leave her a bridesmaid and manage your expectations that you will not get much from her.

timeforanewmoniker · 17/09/2024 23:01

Frustratedandunsure · 17/09/2024 22:05

Not asked anything from her except endless texts and calls and WhatsApps for a wedding that's still a year away?? What could you possibly be wanting from her?

You need to realise that your wedding isn't as important to other people as it is to you. It's not like she needs to be anywhere for a dress fitting for several months.

You sound exhausting, honestly.

DaftyLass · 17/09/2024 23:10

I would tell her it's clear she has a very busy life, and as such, you won't be adding to it, so she is no longer a bridesmaid.
It's almost a year away, that's loads of time to reevaluate who is there to share your most exciting day.

Mirabai · 17/09/2024 23:12

You have your answer, don’t you?

Flip

1 2 3 4