Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid trouble

81 replies

Frustratedandunsure · 17/09/2024 22:01

i got engaged in Feb (yay) and immediately knew who I would want to be my 3 bridesmaid. Sister as MoH and 2 close friends. I’ve been friends with these girls for 7 years when we worked in a retail shop when we were at uni - we are close despite not seeing each other regularly / texting much. I have tried to organise dinner with the 2 bridesmaids but the younger one (27) is just not responding. She always cancels and it got to the point I just had dinner with the other friend as I wanted to touch base with her about her life and what’s been going on ( till this point we always socialised as a 3)

i have tried texting and ringing the bridesmaid but she just isn’t answering. She doesn’t read my messages and when she does she promises to ring me but she’s not free coz she’s at dinner or show. I don’t begrudge her having a life, but if she can’t even answer the phone to me when I want to ask basic qs like when are you free to do a dress shopping or do you need a plus one at which point should I take the hint that she’s not interested. I sent a fairly direct msg saying I understand life can be crazy and if she can’t be part of the wedding then I understand but she needs to tell me - silence for 2 days and then responds with hey I’ll call you tonight. Never rang. I rang her , no answer. Finally responded today saying she’s out at dinner and for me to text her my questions.

i am not dramatic- if you can’t be a bridesmaid, no skin off my back. But without information from her saying so I’m in limbo. Kicking her out of the WhatsApp group seems harsh but I don’t know what else to do.

thoughts ?

OP posts:
Scallopp · 17/09/2024 23:12

How long have u been trying to arrange to meet?

Cosyblankets · 18/09/2024 07:37

timeforanewmoniker · 17/09/2024 23:01

Not asked anything from her except endless texts and calls and WhatsApps for a wedding that's still a year away?? What could you possibly be wanting from her?

You need to realise that your wedding isn't as important to other people as it is to you. It's not like she needs to be anywhere for a dress fitting for several months.

You sound exhausting, honestly.

Edited
Show quote history

If my friend was getting married and had asked me to be bridesmaid i would want to catch up with her. I would want to go out with her. I would reply to her messages. Her wedding would be an important event in my calendar.
I don't think she sounds exhausting. She just wants to know where she stands

TemuSpecialBuy · 18/09/2024 07:40

Dont dump her as a friend entirely if she seems to be having a bad time. Maybe try and go and see her at her hosue if you can?

but do drop her as a bridesmaid its a mistake and will cause stress if you press on

Naunet · 18/09/2024 08:23

Merryoldgoat · 17/09/2024 22:16

So what though? It’s been months - if she’s got shit going on for 6+ months and hasn’t told you about it she’s not a good friend.

I have a friend of 30 years - we live 5 miles apart and hardly see each other in person. We’re in touch several times a week BUT if something is wrong we’re there for each other no question.

Show quote history

That’s really harsh. She may have something very personal going on that she doesn’t want to talk about, that doesn’t make her a shit friend, it’s makes her communication shit. People are entitled to privacy.

If I were you I would let her know I was worried about her and that you’re there if she needs to talk but as you need to organise bridesmaid dresses (do you really at this point?), you’re going to need to drop her as a bridesmaid as she’s not available and you don’t want to add to any pressure she might be under.

Merryoldgoat · 18/09/2024 09:17

Naunet · 18/09/2024 08:23

That’s really harsh. She may have something very personal going on that she doesn’t want to talk about, that doesn’t make her a shit friend, it’s makes her communication shit. People are entitled to privacy.

If I were you I would let her know I was worried about her and that you’re there if she needs to talk but as you need to organise bridesmaid dresses (do you really at this point?), you’re going to need to drop her as a bridesmaid as she’s not available and you don’t want to add to any pressure she might be under.

Show quote history

What kind of ‘close’ friendship can you not send ‘I’m having a really tricky time at the minute - just need a bit of space but when I’m out the other side I’ll call you x’

Privacy is fine and of course everyone is entitled to it but personal issues don’t give licence to treat friends poorly and ignoring several attempts to reach out is treating a friend poorly.

greencheetah · 18/09/2024 09:19

RampantIvy · 17/09/2024 22:28

Cut your losses. She clearly doesn't want to be a bridesmaid.

Agree with this. I would just cut her out of it at this point.

Anothernamechane · 18/09/2024 09:25

The fact that she’s ignoring other friends and not posting on social media is very pertinent and I think if you had included that in your initial post you’d be receiving different responses.

She clearly has something going on that’s not related to her just not wanting to be a bridesmaid. Either with her mental health, or this new relationship. Obviously you don’t have to have her as a bridesmaid if you don’t want to, but if she’s as important to you as you’re saying, I wouldnt cut her off and would be trying to get to the bottom of it.

Melonjuice · 21/09/2024 08:26

7 years is a drop in the ocean compared to some longer friendships, are you sure she sees you the same way
if she doesn’t get back to you give her a timeframe in which to do so then offer it to somebody else -or no one else as you need time to plan
It’s possible, she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid and doesn’t know how to say

MouseMama · 21/09/2024 08:49

Cut her out or this person you used to know but then started ignoring you will be in a bunch of meaningless wedding photos which will bring back negative memories. You really want your bridesmaids to be people who will be supporting you into this next phase of your life. Quality over quantity.

Pipsquiggle · 21/09/2024 08:52

OK odds are is that she CBA, just not that invested in your friendship anymore and shouldn't be your bridesmaid.

However, I would just ask her if there's anything big going on in her life at the moment. She could have something majorly shit going on and not said anything.

I have once nearly given up on a friend for not responding over a prolonged period, last minute cancellations etc - turned out one of her family had a terminal illness

Beautiful3 · 21/09/2024 09:01

I think it's obvious that she no.longer wants to be a bridesmaid.

Fontainebleau007 · 21/09/2024 09:16

I agree with other posters. Sorry but I don't think she wants to be a bridesmaid. I had a similar situation with my sister. She agreed to be my MOH, then stopped replying to any of my texts or calls. We didn't speak for 7 years as she vanished! She had some personal issues going on and didn't know how to tell me. Was a very sad time because if she just said she didn't want too it wouldn't have been a problem at all. Good luck with your wedding OP!

saltysandysea · 21/09/2024 09:16

Let it go. If she really wanted to be a bridesmaid she would have phoned. Invite her to the wedding by all means but she is not interested in being part of it.

pestowithwalnuts · 21/09/2024 09:22

My guess is that she's grown away from the friendship and doesn't see it as you do.
Find yourself another bridesmaid.

Pipsquiggle · 21/09/2024 09:29

Also 7 years isn't that long. All my bridesmaids I had known for 20+ years.
Work friendships can be fickle, they burn brightly when you work together but can dim thereafter. She might have a new work friend

NetflixAndKill · 21/09/2024 09:34

It speaks more to me about her past boyfriends and her communication was normal, and now this new chap and she’s dropped off the face of the earth. I’d honestly think there was some issues with the relationship and he could be controlling her.

AndyPandyismyhero · 21/09/2024 09:42

I voted YABU because I think she's shown you that she isn't interested in being either your bridesmaid or even, your friend. And I think yabu for still trying to get her to respond to you. It is sad when a friendship ends, but it seems that she has decided this is where you are now. I would message her saying that it's now clear to you that she doesn't want to be inviting the wedding but for some reason doesn't feel able to tell you. I would say it saddens me, but I respect her decision and won't bother her again. And that would be it. I wouldn't even send an invitation to the wedding - she's made her feelings clear so why waste an invitation when there may be other people you would like to invite.

mbosnz · 21/09/2024 09:43

I got to the point with one (I thought very good) friend who was to be my bridesmaid, that I got utterly fed up with being the brush off by her partner when I rang to try and talk to her. I said to him, the last time I called, right, well, I'll wait to hear back from her before I bother her again. (She couldn't come to the phone because a tv program she watched was on).

It's our 30th wedding anniversary this year. I'm still waiting. . .

Mutual friends have told me that she didn't know how it went from her being a bridesmaid to not being invited to the wedding. I can be a tad ruthless though!

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 21/09/2024 09:56

Just tell her that, on reflection, you can see her life is super busy right now and you don't think she has the time or interest to be a bridesmaid right now. Tell her you get it, that's okay, and hope she'll still come as a guest to help you celebrate.

Candystore22 · 21/09/2024 10:53

Oh this is really difficult OP. You can’t work with this but you also don’t know what’s going on in her life, so maybe she is going through a very tough patch.
you’re going to have to stop her as a bridesmaid I think, but you’re also going to have to ask yourself if you value her friendship. You will have to let her know that you’re dropping her as a bridesmaid. Something along the lines of:
dear Jane, I’ve tried to get in touch with you /meet up since feb as I wanted you and Jen to be my bridesmaids. Unfortunately I’m just unable to get a hold of you. I don’t know what’s going on in your life (and I sincerely hope you’re ok). I’m not sure if you even want to be my bridesmaid or not, but I think you’ll understand that I can’t work with bridesmaids that I can’t reach / never meet up with to discuss the basis essentials. I’m really sad it’s turned out this way but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to drop you as a bridesmaid because I’ve been trying to get a hold of you since February and failed to do so. Like I said, I really hope you’re ok, and know that I’m always here to chat. I would still love for you to come to the wedding.

IWantKateGarrawaysHair · 21/09/2024 11:10

I think @Frustratedandunsure is copying her friend with the radio silence on this thread from them after 4 days...

Moellen54 · 21/09/2024 11:43

I would be inclined to contact her again and simply ask if she is OK as she seems to have a lot on but you do need to speak to her for a few basics if she going to be your bridesmaid. Add that if bridesmaid is too much for her take on right now that it is fine by you but you would love to see her anyway.

rainbowstardrops · 21/09/2024 11:49

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 21/09/2024 09:56

Just tell her that, on reflection, you can see her life is super busy right now and you don't think she has the time or interest to be a bridesmaid right now. Tell her you get it, that's okay, and hope she'll still come as a guest to help you celebrate.

I'd probably do something like this too

Swiftie1878 · 21/09/2024 12:19

Lorelaigilmore88 · 17/09/2024 22:07

Tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid. You are supposed to have fun planning a wedding, but if you are going to have to chase her up for everything she's a) not going to be any help and b) take away from your enjoyment

I’m sorry, but this is just not true. Everyone said to me ‘have fun planning the wedding!’ when in fact they should have been giving a heads up that planning a wedding is stressful. This situation is just one of many that will create stress.

Sounds like the OP has been as straightforward as she could possibly be.
Next message should be ‘I’m assuming you aren’t interested , so we’ll crack on without you. Hope you are well’.

Pormbk · 23/09/2024 00:18

timeforanewmoniker · 17/09/2024 23:01

Not asked anything from her except endless texts and calls and WhatsApps for a wedding that's still a year away?? What could you possibly be wanting from her?

You need to realise that your wedding isn't as important to other people as it is to you. It's not like she needs to be anywhere for a dress fitting for several months.

You sound exhausting, honestly.

Edited
Show quote history

This is such a weird comment. OP is starting to put down deposits, is thinking about booking make up artists, transport etc. Of course she is anxious to see where she stands with the missing bridesmaid. Weddings take a while to plan.

I had a similar situation. I had 3 very close friends I wanted for bridesmaids. One of my friends just really distanced herself from me. It was awkward because I thought 2 bridesmaids were a funny number. So in the end I did what Kate Middleton did and only had 1 bridesmaid (my sister) plus flower girls. I didn’t want a big group of bridesmaids anyway.