Bridesmaid trouble

[Frustratedandunsure]

i got engaged in Feb (yay) and immediately knew who I would want to be my 3 bridesmaid. Sister as MoH and 2 close friends. I’ve been friends with these girls for 7 years when we worked in a retail shop when we were at uni - we are close despite not seeing each other regularly / texting much. I have tried to organise dinner with the 2 bridesmaids but the younger one (27) is just not responding. She always cancels and it got to the point I just had dinner with the other friend as I wanted to touch base with her about her life and what’s been going on ( till this point we always socialised as a 3)

i have tried texting and ringing the bridesmaid but she just isn’t answering. She doesn’t read my messages and when she does she promises to ring me but she’s not free coz she’s at dinner or show. I don’t begrudge her having a life, but if she can’t even answer the phone to me when I want to ask basic qs like when are you free to do a dress shopping or do you need a plus one at which point should I take the hint that she’s not interested. I sent a fairly direct msg saying I understand life can be crazy and if she can’t be part of the wedding then I understand but she needs to tell me - silence for 2 days and then responds with hey I’ll call you tonight. Never rang. I rang her , no answer. Finally responded today saying she’s out at dinner and for me to text her my questions.

i am not dramatic- if you can’t be a bridesmaid, no skin off my back. But without information from her saying so I’m in limbo. Kicking her out of the WhatsApp group seems harsh but I don’t know what else to do.

thoughts ?

Maybe she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid, or maybe the new BF doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid. Can you “just happen” to drop by her workplace and see if she’s okay?

I think there could be a couple of things here.

1. If you think you are really close but don't text or see each other much, maybe she's moved on and sees that level of communication as a clear sign you aren't really friends (my SiL asked a school friend who she hadn't seen for 4 yrs, they said no as they didn't feel they were the right person, she was devastated as she still thought they were best friends, different people expect different amounts of contact to maintain a relationship)
2. Is she just a bit disorganised? It's a whole year to the wedding, could she just be busy and have parked it in the "not urgent yet" pile. My best friend is hopeless like this, if we organise a holiday, I do it all and she often has no clue what is going on till the day before, she still loves me and wants to go, she is just a last minuter and I'm super organised and love planning
3. Something serious is going on, she's not maintaining friendships, not posting on social media, acting differently. Could be a controlling partner or a mental health issue.

I feel like only you will know how much effort you want to put into this. You could text saying "You seem so busy as xyz also said you'd not seen her, would you feel more comfortable just being a wedding guest so I'm not adding more pressure to your life, i know its mad planning so far in advance but i really need to pay for dresses and book shopping dates in, or would you like me to come over and talk about anything that's going on? Let me know which option suits you best by text rather than calling, if youre super busy" I think those saying not even to invite her seem very harsh, she's living a life you don't know about as you've all chosen to not really stay in touch - anything could be going on, or equally maybe you're a good friend but not a best friend in her mind right now

I would send a letter saying if she doesn't want to be bridesmaid to know it won't impact your relationship and I'd give her a date you need confirmation/correspondence by.

I hope she's okay and the new relationship is a good one and not something fishy going on.

The wedding is ages away so I can see that she isn't to fussed about meeting up to discuss things or to go dress shopping etc but I'd be worried about her continually cancelling

Her no response is her response. Maybe it is not the direction you wanted to go OP but you have given enough time and energy for this. I wouldn’t reach out anymore and replace her or have one less in your bridal party.

Whatever she’s got going on she could take time to send a proper message or a quick call, in 6 months! I’d call her and leave a VM if she doesn’t answer or send a WhatsApp voice note saying you’re sad not to have heard from her and you hope she is ok but you need to progress things so as you’ve not heard from her being bridesmaid isn’t going to work. You’d hope she’ll come to wedding and get in touch before then

I would leave her to it

Assume she is no longer your bridesmaid and save yourself some money

That’s both sad and awful. You might have been close in the past but not anymore. A close friend would be excited to talk to you about your wedding plans. I’m stunned that she told you to put your questions on a text, like you’re a junior member of staff who will be allocated time as and when. She’s too busy (up herself) for your friendship let alone bridesmaid activities. It’s not even as if she’s been working and unavoidably busy, she’s been at dinner socialising.

I would tell her that you’re going to just go with two bridesmaids as you’re going to be very busy planning your wedding and not being able to talk to someone within a couple of days of approaching them will make it hard work. It’s supposed to be fun for all concerned isn’t it.

That’s a polite version of what I would say.

Come on, they haven’t seen each other in months and she doesn’t respond to messages. I think OP is wanting to connect with her friend. Not plan every detail of her wedding over a Nando’s

My sister had a friend who behaved like this. She was absolutely hopeless the whole way through (wouldn’t text her measurements etc) and she kept trying to be understanding and now regrets having her in the wedding. They’re not in touch. She was the type of girl who makes adorably flakey a kind of personality trait.

Has anyone seen that old movie “ Weekend at Bernie’s?”

Sounds like your friend may be dealing with personal issues which she may not be telling you about. I would absolutely speak to her over the phone first (when you can eventually get hold of her).

Then you can make your decision once you have the full facts.

Really? Being asked to be a bridesmaid should be an honour.

So my first thoughts were that she has the hots for your fiance and is miffed that he'll be off the table.

But then you mentioned the new boyfriend and no insta thing. Is he controlling? Preventing her access to her phone? I'd try to get mutual friend to check in on her in person unannounced to make sure there's nothing sinister going on.

Then, if there isn't, she's just being a cow and you can drop her. Your day is about you - bridesmaids are there to help you and get excited with you, not to make their day about theor drama.

Flattering yes, honour no. There is a lot expected of the wedding party, including their time, effort and energy, not just on the day but well in advance.

I've been a bridesmaid for two close friends and will politely decline all further requests and hen-do invitations. Especially now second weddings seem to be on the cards.

Maybe she's in an abusive relationship hence the radio silence ? I'd be a bit concerned for her welfare tbh if those is out of character .
Could you reach out to her family because this is ringing some alarm bells for me as its not just you she's ignoring its your other friend aswell and her social media is also radio silence

OP take it she isn't interested.
I know it may not be the norm, but honestly some people have zero interest in the bridesmaid thing.
Despite caring about their friends and wanting the best for them, they would much rather be another guest.
I certainly felt that way and after doing it once, was really up front with friends.
No one took offence, I enjoyed the wedding, I just wasn't in the wedding party.
I honestly do not know how how people tolerate the huge demands of time, money and effort that is required, not to mind the whole Hen palava.
It's just too much for some people.

I would absolutely not contact her again.
Set up a new group and move on.
Wishing you well.

Yeah just do this

I don't think you're as close in her mind as in your mind.

There is a lot expected of the wedding party, including their time, effort and energy, not just on the day but well in advance.

What exactly?
Are brides more high maintenance these days?
When I got married my bridesmaid (my sister) just turned up on the day. There were no tasks that I required from her.

I think you know, she just isn´t interested. Don´t bang your head against a brick wall and move on.
I was very close (or so I thought) to two colleagues where I worked and invited them to my wedding (local), they both turned it down with evident thoughts of why the hell would I go to your wedding?
Since then I am very selective about who I do things with and my mental health is sooooo much better. I keep work and private completely separate.

Oh Lord, I hate people like this! They get on everyone's nerves.
She is making it clear she is not commited to being a bridesmaid in your wedding. I would take her off the bridesmaid list, that is for sure. Even from the wedding, if she makes any noise about it. To be honest, chances are that if you still invite her to the wedding and she does not turn up.
Find another bridesmaid, or take only two, your sister and your friend.
It really costs her nothing to text, I am so so sorry, but I cannot be a bridesmaid at present, due to hectic life. But she won't. And that is not a friend.

As others have said, sounds like she’s dodging telling you she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid. It could be that she just doesn’t deem you as a close friend anymore for whatever reason, or it could be other things. Are you having the wedding miles away or abroad? Are you asking the bridesmaids to pay for their dresses/make-up/hair/overnight accommodation etc as some brides do and she’s possibly peeved at the expense?

Usually yes. Including support with wedding planning (hunting for bridesmaid and bridal gowns, exploring flower choices), planning, attending and paying for (often multiple day/abroad) hen-dos, staying on location the night before, paying for hair makeup and getting ready at the crack of dawn.... And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Like you, my sister and best friend just turned up on the day, but that is very much the exception for young people these days. And OP sounds like she needs a fair bit of support...

Including support with wedding planning (hunting for bridesmaid and bridal gowns, exploring flower choices), planning, attending and paying for (often multiple day/abroad) hen-dos, staying on location the night before, paying for hair makeup and getting ready at the crack of dawn.... And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

1. My mum and I planned the wedding
2. My mum made my wedding dress and my sister chose her own suit (I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable in something she didn't want to wear so I said she could wear what she liked)
3. It didn't occur to me to have a hen do (not sure they were a big "thing" 43 years ago)
4. I got married from home
5. I went to the hairdresser and did my own make up
6. I got married at 3 so didn't need to get up early