To find talk of salary crass?

[peachese]

Met up with women I went to university with over the weekend and we haven’t seen each other since covid/lockdown. One is in the same job and she was explaining what she’s doing and then said “and it pays really well” and her husband earns a “shit load”.

I had another friend who every time I saw her she was telling me about a bonus or pay rise. Then I changed jobs (previously poorly paid) and she asked “is the salary better” and I just said “yeah is it” and suddenly now she doesn’t ever talk about pay.

If you are in the UK that is not legal and it hasn't been for nearly 25 years.

There's a difference between salary and disposable income. So if someone appears to live very well there are myriad reasons why that might be.

However in Iceland and other Nordic countries people will tell you if you are being underpaid for your job.

I have worked with many people from abroad and they are very open about discussing salary and benefits. In turn when I've worked with people from abroad I have told them when they are being underpaid and have checked whether they are being exploited/dismissed by employers, banks, landlords, etc.

Agree with this.

The one that doesn't talk about pay anymore, good. Surely you don't want to talk about it either.

I'd say literally saying 'it pays great' or 'it pays shite' aren't really specific enough tho be classed as salary talk. It's more just an expression of how someone sees their job or their industry.

To say 'what's your exact take home yearly income?' is intrusive. But just to mention in passing or when prompted if you feel your role is well paid or not is pretty normal I'd say.

I have to say I find it uncomfortable when it is clear the other person is asking purely of our nosiness or so that they can compare their own take home to mine. Typically it happens after a few drinks. Once had a guy say something like I don't think we have ever talked about our salaries.... that's right yeah! Different sectors, different industries, different roles. I have an estimated ball park figure to which he replied he was on the same, in fact he is on 20k less. So there you go, purely just wanted to set it so I would think we were equal earners, very bizarre. The only people I have had ask are materialist or a SAHM who kids are all teenagers who never went back to work and again after a few drinks will say she regrets not working and clearly envious of other women is well paid careers

YABU.
I really wouldn’t mind knowing the salaries of my university mates and the field they are currently in.
My field pays £36K-50K (no more), and to be on 50K one need to have years of experience. It would be interesting to see if I could sell myself much better, lol.

I suspect the pay disparity between modest people and arrogant people would get a lot wider if everyone knew what everyone else earned.

But why would it make you feel uncomfortable? I get being asked about your salary, I don’t do that although my friend asked me when I changed jobs and I had no problems telling her. Why would someone telling you about their salary make you uncomfortable? They are not extracting information from you. They are volunteering their salary, likely, in the context of what you are discussing. Please help me understand how it affects you and why.

If the person on NMW has teenage relatives they can then encourage those relatives to think of doing jobs like the doctor.

Some of my older siblings would find out what people did, their working hours and how much they were paid then would give that information to me.

In turn I found myself doing that to my younger relatives.

Not talking about money is why it took so long for some of the female developers in my last job so realise they were being paid less than the men for the same job......

I've already explained why, I can't make it any clearer.

The only person I'd avoid telling how much I earn is my sister, because she regularly begs for money. I wouldn't have an issue telling anyone else if they asked. I think I'm appropriately paid for my job and I'm not embarrassed by my salary, or whether it's less or more than somebody else's.

I imagine that "bragging" as it's being used in this thread is more a matter of perception - "I found out someone's salary and it made me feel jealous/unhappy, therefore they're bragging about it".

You only said that it was because you were brought up that way. I am trying to ascertain if there is a reason beyond that. I am guessing no.
In that case, it seems irrational but I respect your views.

You find consideration of others and having manners, irrational? I was taught it was good manners not to make others uncomfortable by asking for personal information. I'm a private person and I respect others privacy; I wasn't aware that was irrational.

It’s irrational to be uncomfortable when someone shares information. Unless they are talking about trauma, suicide or similar because then someone generally feels uncomfortable because they 1. don’t know what to say 2. afraid of saying the wrong thing 3. may themselves have experienced similar and it retraumatises them etc. There are rational reasons for feeling uncomfortable when these topics are mentioned.
When someone mentions their salary, I see no rational reason for you to be offended or to feel uncomfortable. They are not asking you about yours and you are not asking them about theirs (which is what you are talking about). So your dignity and privacy is not affected. They dropped this information in a context of, oh I don’t know, discussing Oasis tickets. There is no rational reason for you to feel uncomfortable about information which has no bearing on or relevance to you.
It’s a bit like saying I was brought up to never speak of blue jumpers. And then someone mentioned a blue jumper to me and I feel uncomfortable. Why? Because it’s bad manners. Why? Because my parents told me someone may be offended if I ask them. But you didn’t ask them they volunteered this information. Why should YOU feel uncomfortable about THEM mentioning blue jumpers unprompted?

Really basic example.

Friend A - I'm so happy, just got a big raise to 50k - feel so proud and rich now!
friend B - wow that's brilliant for you! (Feels unable to disclose salary as it's £150k and doesn't want to rain on friend A's parade)

If you can't understand basic manners and the reason for them, then there's no point discussing it. Not asking someone private information that they may not feel comfortable sharing, is not the same as discussing jumpers.

I understand that in your world, it's a no holds barred free for all where nothing is off the table. Others are more circumspect and in my opinion, there should be more consideration for others, not less.

Great talking to you.

I work in a profession where the qualified body publishes salaries for both genders along with roles.

But I’m not even talking about knowing what your peers get paid.

I’m talking about people dropping into conversation that they make x amount as a way to show off, but clearly that’s not been communised well by the responses I’ve received.

You keep repeating the same thing about asking someone. It doesn’t actually answer my question in the slightest because, as I keep clarifying, my question was not about why you feel uncomfortable to ask or be asked. Just why you feel uncomfortable to hear about people’s salary.
Someone else got it though and provided an example above without resorting to argumentum ad hominem.

OK, I could see your point in this scenario. But also, maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to disclose or my friend may have been OK with me earning higher salary or even presumed it was higher based on what we do. It doesn’t take away from their achievement. Depends on a general dynamic between friends, too, I’m guessing.
Thank you. It’s an interesting point to ponder.

They don't sound like they were showing off, just friends chatting 🤷‍♂️

I wonder if you'd feel the same if you out-earned them all?

Bad manners to dicuss money, religion or politics with friends, I'm afraid!

Crass, yes and weird because I can’t think of a reason for it being an appropriate topic of conversation.

I mean, that's your opinion but as you can see, it's not everyone's.