To think DH should suck his boring job up...

[BlackBean2023]

I was going to Nc for this but it might sound trolly so I haven't...

DH and I met young, married young (under 25) and have been together 20 years this year. 2 kids - one late teens and one a bit younger. In the early years of our relationship, I worked as a receptionist and he worked as a mechanic. I completed a degree and postgrad qualification a few years back and now work in a senior position - salary isn't particularly important to this but as a marker I now earn more than double DH's gross salary.

DH works in a different blue collar profession now and is bored. Lately, he has talked about giving this job up to go self-employed as a 'Man With a Van' type set up. I have vetoed this - I don't think he can earn a decent wage will end up working more hours for far less money and I know that I will then need to pick up even more life/child admin/care than I already do (I do 80% of this already on top of a full time job). Everything else I suggest career wise he doesn't want to do (nothing physical, nothing office based, nothing that requires going back to retraining)- he just wants to work for himself driving a van... He is relying on my salary being enough to cover any loss of income on his part - which it is but will mean no holidays/expensive treats. I know the days he'd have no work (of which there would be many!) would be spent on his XBox.

AIBU to think that giving up a job and stable income (£40k a year) because you're bored is reckless? There's no mental health concerns beyond being bored.

I am not willing to work 60 hour weeks, plus pick up the majority of childcare/housework etc so I can earn enough for two of us whilst one 'partner' dosses but I am aware that if you reversed the genders it might read differently. It's driven a massive wedge into our marriage - I am pushed almost to the point of wanting to leave him because his lack of work ethic is unattractive. I work with driven people day in day out and that is only highlighting his complete lack of ambition and I'm seriously becoming quite bitter about the whole thing.

Tell me IABU please MN

I think that if you're part of a relationship/family these decisions are join decisions. Realistically becoming self employed is insecure financially, so the person with the stable income needs to be ok with carrying the financial burden perhaps for an extended period, perhaps forever.

It's not ok whatever the genders because it's about agreement and consensus.

So no, it's not acceptable for him to give up his well paid job just because he's bored. I'd find this very unattractive.

If he was pulling his weight with childcare, and agreed to do more at home while he set up his job, I'd say YABU. Being self employed requires a huge degree fo reslience and motivation, and he doesn't seem the type at all, plus he really isn't stepping up at home. So, I think YANBU.

I'm always bemused by the way people paint themselves into a corner.

What's happened here is an impasse because you've both dug your heals in. He is absolutely unwilling to look at anything else but 'man with a van' and you're not budging.

First it's unfair for him to leave running the home to you and that needs to change. Second, he must have transferable skills and there must be other less risky options available.

I suggest a couple's counsellor as a third neutral party to help you negotiate this and work out a solution.

As a complete loafer myself, this attitude would be a major turn off for me:

'I am pushed almost to the point of wanting to leave him because his lack of work ethic is unattractive. I work with driven people day in day out and that is only highlighting his complete lack of ambition and I'm seriously becoming quite bitter about the whole thing.'

You're reasonable to want to share financial burden and not to do all housework and childcare while he does nothing.

You're unreasonable to want to keep him in a job he's unhappy in, and compare him to all your super-striver friends.

You're in mid life (50ish, right?) it's a time when people often question whether their way of life is making them happy and if there's more to it than the grind and the mortgage.

His man with a van plan is very bad, not least as it's a physical job that requires lots of lifting. He could be looking into other jobs that would be a change, even if it's less money. I'd start by him writing down what's wrong with current job and what he'd want from another job. There are probably loads of roles that use mechanic skills - expert witness, factory manager, doing call outs on machinery etc. that might give him some of what he wants without throwing it all away.

It depends if you have faith that he would be acting in good will to develop something else rather than sponge off you. And if you care about his happiness enough to take the risk. It sounds like you don't really trust him on a deeper level.

My husband is the main wage earner and I earn about £40k in a job that is ok. I can only imagine his reaction if I said I wanted to pack it in to be self employed. Hint he laugh at me.

si there we are, tables turned and it’s still unreasonable.

I wish I could be bored for £40k.
He is being unreasonable and unfair. He can probably see that it will be easier less hours etc but what is a man with a van doing nothing manual.
He has options but won’t take them. Very unattractive. What will he live off if you kick him to the kerb?

YANBU at all, his plan A is unlikely to be viable for his earnings, pension or parenting responsibilities, so it’s up to him to come up with something better or stick with his current job.

What does he actually want to do with his van. Like, what's the plan? You retrained which perhaps cost the family? Hard one. I get the worry but you've only got one life. I retrained and was skint but three years later am earning 50k. I was told (by twats imo) that I should do what I was originally trained at but I wasn't happy. Now I love going to work so much it doesn't actually feel like work. Perhaps you should split up then he can do what he likes and in five years time you'll be eating your words. Hard one.

The people who really cared were right behind me incidentally.

He's definitely being unreasonable.
How easily could he go back to his stable job if his plan failed?
Makes no sense for him to have lots of days of work when you'd be sacrificing family holidays??
Perhaps you could suggest that you reduce your salary by the equivalent amount by taking a less stressful job and see what his reaction is?
I earn far less than £40k in a very stressful job - he has no idea how lucky he has it.
Absolutely nuts. I came onto this thread as my husband wants to leave his boring but very flexible and still well paid job for something paying more but in a start up, so more hours, more stress etc. and I'm telling him to just suck up being bored at work rather than reduce our family time! But now I feel bad since there's apparently your husband on the other side of that spectrum!

Tbh it sounds as though the job thing is the tip of the iceberg. There’s clearly a lot of longstanding resentment on your part about having carried the family both financially and in terms of housework and kids for a very long time. If he had been doing 50% of everything for the past couple of decades and then said he wanted to retrain / change jobs, I suspect he’d get a more sympathetic hearing. Ultimately it sounds as though he is coasting and wants to coast even more because he knows you’ll always be there to pick up the finances. I’m afraid the only way to make him rethink that is to make him realise that you may not always be there. Which means letting him know your marriage is in jeopardy. The problem with that kind of conversation is that if you have it, and nothing changes, you’re left with the unenviable options of leaving things as they are and feeling like a doormat, or ending the relationship.

Get him to write a detailed business plan to include incomings, outgoings, marketing etc and when/how exactly he will break even and then go into profit and by how much. Make sure he includes what his hourly rate will work out as after costs and how he will work enough hours to replace £40k.
I doubt he will

My approach is always that if you couldn't support yourself (and your family without the spouse) doing the thing you propose then it's off the table; because things can change in the blink of an eye and the spouse could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

So this fluffy man in a van idea is absolute pants, first of all he has no USP, where I live every Facebook post selling a settee or a mattress gets about 50 "man with van available, message me" comments, so how does he intend to be the cut above the rest? How does he think he will get bookings? Can he manage lifting a heavy boudoir down 3 flights of stairs and into this van alone? no, so he's recruiting staff? how's he paying them, why do they work for him?Where's he getting the van? Those things aren't cheap, the rise in van life has shot van prices through the roof. Another nail in that coffin.

Instead, ask him why he wants out, what is it he yearns for, what is it that's strangling him enough that he's willing to risk his families financial security for a whimsical dream?

And if his answers really do give you the ick that much, then it may be that your lives have just come to that fork in the road. After all, if you've got to consider supporting your family; then why would you want another passenger? Surely he must be aware of that, you're not the cash cow.

OP there's a massive chunk missing from your story. I doubt that you went from being a receptionist (for 20 years) to a 6 figure senior job with only a postgraduate degree. If you did then please share with the rest of us so we can make money too!

Who carried most of the load when you were retraining? Who historically carried it?

If your husband for example spent the last couple of decades working FT while you stepped back to be the main parent. it's fair enough for you to carry him financially for a bit. HOWEVER regardless of that, he still needs to do his fair share of the housework

If the lion's share has historically fallen to you he needs a firm talking to , as this is the new status quo. He may not actively be a twat just need to get his head around what needs to be done.

If however you've always worked FT and done everything you're being taken for a mug.

BTW 40K is above the median wage, so I wouldn't be so quick as to label your husband 'unambitious'.

Self employed man with a van sounds like a non starter. But would he consider a supermarket delivery role? Those can be quite flexible/part time contracts, which might offer him the change he is looking for without ditching a regular salaried role entirely.

This is a great idea. If he can't even be arsed to do this, it's non-starter.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Why doesn't he do his fair share in the house and with the children? Perhaps tell him that you would like the marriage to end. You already do everything anyway.

F

If you reversed the genders there is NO WAY that the man with the higher paid job would be doing 80% of the childcare and house stuff. Tell him that when he has taken on the lions share of this you will discuss changing jobs.

nothing physical, nothing office based, nothing that requires going back to retraining

WTF does he expect to do as a 'man with a van'??

Is he a builder, plumber, electrician, plasterer, carpenter or mechanic?

They can be very physical

So he gets a van, then what?

He definitely hasn't thought this through, has he?

He's bored and is expecting you to enable him whilst putting in minimal effort himself

The problem here seems to be that you can't trust him to step up to earn well whilst also taking on his share of family responsibility - in fact you are expecting him to do neither.

You think he is a loser, in short. And you think that of him already while he presumably contributes.at least his earnings and his presence evenings/weekends.

Sounds like you are the one with the oomph in this relationship. Maybe if he was really ambitious and also wanted to work 60 hrs that would be difficult as well. But it sounds as though you expect him to become (even more of?) a drain..Does he know you think this? How has he gone about demonstrating that this is, in fact, a great idea?

If he hasn't even tried then sadly he probably is a bit of a loser, and whether he jacks in his job or not, he doesn't seem to have enough of your respect to make for a happy marriage

I agree with everyone asking what he expects to do as a man with a van. There’s not going to be a market for someone to just drive a to b, with nothing physical or heavy lifting at either end. And how is he going to compete with all the other men with vans out there?

I am the main earner in my household. My DH gave up his teaching assistance job to start his own business. He still earns a similar amount but is a lot happier and fulfilled. The downside is that his work does take up so much of his time. We have a lot of battles around housework as he always prioritises work. I am in the position of being and breadwinner and housekeeper!

Despite this he is happier and I want him to have a job he likes. I am lucky that I like my job. But it would have been easier for me if he had stayed in his original job. I refuse to give up on the housework battle though, it’s an ongoing struggle.

Work probably takes up 1/3 of your life.

If you are not happy at work, you are probably not going to be happy in the rest of your life either. So probably a fairly quick route to divorce.

Your husband needs to find a job that he enjoys more, yet still fulfills his financial commitments to the family.

Whether or not his proposals to go self employed will achieve this I have no idea.

Also as to why the history is relevant.
Maybe previously, you were PT and him FT. All housework done.
Now, he is still FT but has to do more of the housework, yeah he gets expensive treats and holidays but is that what he wants?

A bigger conversation regarding your responsibilities needs to happen.

My husband and I are in a similar situation, we don't really do any housework. We have cleaners and a gardener. Kids are old enough to do their own laundry, monitor their own admin. Anything they need we just order off Amazon.

He does mine (and his laundry) cooks his own food (autistic so restricted diet). Does the shop. I do the family cooking because I'm better at it that's all.

You might need to outsource more. I'm not saying your husband should do NOTHING but instead, consider whether you want to spend money on things that actually improve your daily lives instead of holidays and expensive things.