To think DH should suck his boring job up...

[BlackBean2023]

I was going to Nc for this but it might sound trolly so I haven't...

DH and I met young, married young (under 25) and have been together 20 years this year. 2 kids - one late teens and one a bit younger. In the early years of our relationship, I worked as a receptionist and he worked as a mechanic. I completed a degree and postgrad qualification a few years back and now work in a senior position - salary isn't particularly important to this but as a marker I now earn more than double DH's gross salary.

DH works in a different blue collar profession now and is bored. Lately, he has talked about giving this job up to go self-employed as a 'Man With a Van' type set up. I have vetoed this - I don't think he can earn a decent wage will end up working more hours for far less money and I know that I will then need to pick up even more life/child admin/care than I already do (I do 80% of this already on top of a full time job). Everything else I suggest career wise he doesn't want to do (nothing physical, nothing office based, nothing that requires going back to retraining)- he just wants to work for himself driving a van... He is relying on my salary being enough to cover any loss of income on his part - which it is but will mean no holidays/expensive treats. I know the days he'd have no work (of which there would be many!) would be spent on his XBox.

AIBU to think that giving up a job and stable income (£40k a year) because you're bored is reckless? There's no mental health concerns beyond being bored.

I am not willing to work 60 hour weeks, plus pick up the majority of childcare/housework etc so I can earn enough for two of us whilst one 'partner' dosses but I am aware that if you reversed the genders it might read differently. It's driven a massive wedge into our marriage - I am pushed almost to the point of wanting to leave him because his lack of work ethic is unattractive. I work with driven people day in day out and that is only highlighting his complete lack of ambition and I'm seriously becoming quite bitter about the whole thing.

Tell me IABU please MN

I'm your husband, although I have a degree and a responsible management position, I still only earn £40k.

My husband earns double what I earn.

We've recently been considering me going self employed and my husband has been supportive. But he's happy in his job and it covers the bills so it's not really a negative for him as I'd be happier.

BUT if he's lazy generally, and you think it could slowly lead to him just xboxing all day, then YANBU.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

He needs to grow up.

I couldn’t work in a boring job tbh so I see his point, it does affect mental health long term but then again if he lived and finds himself struggling financially that will affect both of your mental health.

I don't think you're unreasonable. I think he is being completely inflexible to make a decision that puts you in the position of being the main earner and care giver and takes away any scope for holidays / treats. In that case, with the little he is then contributing to the family, you may as well be single.

He isn't being in any way flexible. Fair enough to say he doesn't want a certain type of job but if he doesn't want anything physical or office based or that requires any training he is pretty much ruling himself out of most jobs

He needs to outline how his decision will benefit the family. Eg will he take on all running kids around, cooking and housework to leave you free to concentrate on your career?

Lastly isn't a man with a van physical? I'd assume that people get this if they want to for example buy a second hand sofa from someone and they'd be asking him to move it

Has he looked into insurance as his current van insurance would be invalid if he was using it for work

Can he try doing some an with a van type stuff at the weekends and see how shit it is?

As most people don't just quit their job to go into business they do it in their spare time first and build up

I haven’t read the full thread but I can give you a view from his side.

My husband did exactly what your husband wants to do. I have a professional job that I trained for within the marriage as well for context.

He is self employed but works for evri, Amazon flex and through being good with customers has picked up a few extra regular delivery jobs (wedding deliveries etc). He now out earns me, evri provide a pension and holiday pay. However, he works 6 days a week and is very motivated. You have to be on the apps ALOT to get the work with Amazon.

His work/life balance is better, he does about 3 hours in the morning and maybe another 2-4 in the afternoons. It is physically demanding and you have to factor in things like van maintenance, HNR insurance, petrol costs, and believe me vans are not cheap! He needs to be on the ball with his tax and there is quite a bit of admin to do.

it has worked for us and we still have nice holidays ☺️

I think I’d have a really honest conversation and I’d want him to step up and do more at home before he though of jacking in his job. Otherwise it’s likely you’re heading towards splitting up. Maybe couples counselling would help too.

I’d just say it. ‘ i resent doing the lions share of the housework and parenting despite the fact we both work full time. If you drop to earn less and not work full time, and then spend hours on the Xbox instead of taking over the housework and cooking my resentment would explode and I wouldn’t be surprised if we split up. So on the basis that I don’t actually want to divorce I don’t support this plan unless you’ve demonstrated you can capably do minimum 50% in the house and with the kids. If you ignore my view and quit your job anyway then it’s not much of a marriage anyway so you can go find yourself some new accomodation and start the paperwork.

My ex DH always dreamed of going freelance so I upped my days at work so he could give it a go. He has been happier since, earns more and has more freedom.

While I agree with most of what you say OP I am not sure that a HGV driver has any more social cachet then a man in a van

I don't want to be married to a man in a van though and I realise that's probably snobbery as much as anything.

Where I am supermarket delivery driver is paid the same as shop worker ie NMW or near enough. The hours can be antisocial (people want their shopping delivered when they are home).

It's stressful trying to find addresses late at night in the dark when the instructions say 'last house on the left after the barn' or similar. Hard enough to find in daylight!

DH was a delivery driver for a while but had to give it up when his blood pressure went through the roof.

Does he actually understand what being a "man with a van" means? If he doesn't want to do manual work?!

The Man part is about loading the van with whatever crap people want taken somewhere.

I think he’s being grossly selfish and self indulgent.

Being self employed requires vast reserves of ambition and motivation and a lot of careful thought and planning. It isn’t a carte blanche to dick around on a breezy schedule.

My ex husband did something similar: gave up his job (without asking me) to “start his own business” and then did little bits here and there for six months but basically I was expected to fund this alongside caring for a two year old and doing a full time job. He didn’t have the stamina, the contacts or the organisation required for it and he drifted from one poorly paid bit of freelance work to the next. it was the final nail in the coffin of our marriage. Like you, I lost respect for him.

I see so many men nowadays whose wives have got their shit together who seem to regard this as an opportunity to coast. The presumption and the lack of gumption is insulting.

If he had a proper plan it might be reasonable. If he wanted your support for a proper career change involving training or to get a business plan together it might be that you could accommodate this.

But you funding him to do very little in the name of being a “man with a van” with no proper plan while you carry the domestic burden? Hell no. Riot act needs to be read here.

So it will still be a driving job? How does he see it as being different?
I agree with what you are saying that it sounds like he wants to doss around. However this says something about his character.

If it is money that concern you then give him three months to get his business off the ground. I also saying three months and he a man with a van doesn't need a lot of time to set up or to get work.

He should start saving to buy a van and if he is not able to have projected earnings of £30-40K then he needs to find a different role because that's how much he needs to contribute for the family to have the life you want (from what I read).

To agree to this my prerequisites would be a business plan covering:

• marketing
• up front costs
• running costs
• tax/NI
• pricing

Without this no family money would be available and this would include loss of income.

HMRC used to do courses for sole traders, I think they were free. DH did one and picked up some useful tips.

Being self employed is hard work as you are responsible for everything.

I think what people aren’t picking up is that DH isn’t really looking to make a good go of the man in a van business. It sounds like he wants a hobby job

After the comment about not wanting to be married to a man with a van I’d take that with a pinch of salt. I don’t think OP wants her husband to change jobs at all. Which, given his age, is ridiculous. Nobody should be expected to spend the thick end of 30 years doing something they hate.

I don’t think OP wants her husband to change jobs at all. Which, given his age, is ridiculous. Nobody should be expected to spend the thick end of 30 years doing something they hate.

But why should the OP have to do it either?

Why does he get to have a hobby job if he’s not a) bringing in much money and b) doing the bare minimum on the domestic front?

There’s nothing wrong with the man and van job per se but it has to be done properly with a view to building a viable business rather than dossing about.

Really surprised at how MNetters view a man with a van, thinking it's a crap job. Depends what he wants to do as if he was a trained mechanic and knows contacts he could do very well. Don't knock the 'man with a van' job as successful ones can earn lots. A lot of DHs contacts started the same and many earn between 50-70k all self employed 'with a van'! My DH started his own business at age 42 (with a van) and has been very successful. He owns his own building trade, so he doesn't do the manual work but his builders do. However, he already had those contacts and was skilled which massively helped and he wouldn't have jumped into it without this, so he needs to think about that if he wants to start this. My DH sometimes finishes early if the jobs done and can pick up DC etc so it's been much better for us with flexibility. You have to obviously weigh up the finances and he can't just come up with an idea without a business plan. Many people have career changes at 40 so you shouldn't be resentful of it, just sit down and really go through the possibilities. Not fair to ask him to suck up being bored.

Seems there are two things:

1. you're not happy about him being a man with a van
2. you're worried he won't actually pick up that much work and is actually looking to staying home gaming.

I would not be funding a partner to do his hobbies. You'll have 3 kids, the biggest also the most annoying. You've said you pick up the majority of housework, childcare and finance already. He needs to pull his weight.

I'm in my 30s and consider myself ambitious and driven, but this is starting to be much less about work/career and more about other things. Is your partner unambitious in other areas of life (it does sound like it if he doesn't contribute at home!)? Either way, it's one thing to not prioritise career growth and want to slow down, quite another if that means just pushing the burden to a partner.

For your discussions with him it might help if you mentally separate some of these elements and figure out what's actually bothering you, eg is the lack of ambition towards his career, or is it actually that he doesn't pull his weight at home so you're left doing that on top of your own demanding job?

But why should the OP have to do it either?

She doesn’t hate her job. If she did she could always go back to being a receptionist.

'A man with a van' is a pie in the sky idea!!! Where is the van coming from?! How will he find business? What would his hourly rate be? How will he manage lifting heavy objects, possibly downstairs/upstairs by himself?!! What happens if he needs help with a job, because it's a 2-man one?! Is he going to have to employ someone? He'll get no sick/holiday pay and no pension either!! He'll potentially be working more hours per week for less money!

He needs to find another job or another role within the company he currently works for. I'm sorry to say, that providing for his family, is more important than him being 'bored'. Sit down with him and ask him to work out a business plan!! I suspect once the questions above start arising, and he has no answers, suddenly it won't be so appealing!!