To think DH should suck his boring job up...

[BlackBean2023]

I was going to Nc for this but it might sound trolly so I haven't...

DH and I met young, married young (under 25) and have been together 20 years this year. 2 kids - one late teens and one a bit younger. In the early years of our relationship, I worked as a receptionist and he worked as a mechanic. I completed a degree and postgrad qualification a few years back and now work in a senior position - salary isn't particularly important to this but as a marker I now earn more than double DH's gross salary.

DH works in a different blue collar profession now and is bored. Lately, he has talked about giving this job up to go self-employed as a 'Man With a Van' type set up. I have vetoed this - I don't think he can earn a decent wage will end up working more hours for far less money and I know that I will then need to pick up even more life/child admin/care than I already do (I do 80% of this already on top of a full time job). Everything else I suggest career wise he doesn't want to do (nothing physical, nothing office based, nothing that requires going back to retraining)- he just wants to work for himself driving a van... He is relying on my salary being enough to cover any loss of income on his part - which it is but will mean no holidays/expensive treats. I know the days he'd have no work (of which there would be many!) would be spent on his XBox.

AIBU to think that giving up a job and stable income (£40k a year) because you're bored is reckless? There's no mental health concerns beyond being bored.

I am not willing to work 60 hour weeks, plus pick up the majority of childcare/housework etc so I can earn enough for two of us whilst one 'partner' dosses but I am aware that if you reversed the genders it might read differently. It's driven a massive wedge into our marriage - I am pushed almost to the point of wanting to leave him because his lack of work ethic is unattractive. I work with driven people day in day out and that is only highlighting his complete lack of ambition and I'm seriously becoming quite bitter about the whole thing.

Tell me IABU please MN

YABU to tell him to suck it up and stay miserable in his current job. It is equivalent to if he had told you to suck it up and stay a receptionist because it’s a steady income and you’d have more time for the children and going to Uni is too expensive. He supported you to get out of being a receptionist- you could not have done it without him doing his boring, soul sucking good salary job.

This. If he’s in his early 40s how soul destroying to contemplate another 20 odd years of spending the majority of your time doing something that bores you. Life’s too short.

To answer some questions (sorry, I have been at work):

• I'm not in my 50's. I'm just turning 39, DH is 41.
• I have always worked full time. The cost of my degree and postgrad did come out of the pot but were repaid by pay rises within a year. I have worked my arse off to get where I am to be honest. I am probably carrying a bit of resentment about sacrificing time with the kids that I accept.
• DH is already in a skilled role - he is an HGV driver. That's probably outing if a friend is reading this so burying it in the thread not my OP!
• DH didn't carry the load whilst I was retraining. My mum was a god send.

I am not against him taking a pay cut, retraining, or changing jobs. I don't want to be married to a man in a van though and I realise that's probably snobbery as much as anything.

I’m sorry. If he finds his job driving an HGV boring then how is he going to find driving a van not boring. I’m sorry it sounds like he wants to loaf around. why does he want to be a self employed man with a van? He could get a job with a removals business and drive a van or work for a supermarket doing home deliveries and drive a van.

If you realise you're carrying resentment (and I'm not saying you shouldn't - I do not know all your circumstances) maybe some form of counselling would help. Sometimes employers offer confidential Employee Assistance services. I hope you find a resolution that suits you and your family

I think he wants to be his own boss and take on contracted jobs.
That is the #1 reason most people go self-employed.
It certainly isn’t an easy choice for those lacking in work ethic or ambition, it is much easier to just apply for a job, be an employee and do what you’re told for the same pay every month.

He may not have the skills to figure out what would be a good match, but with a supportive and intelligent wife I am sure they can find an option that would work and get him a chance to do a different career.

Most people can’t do the same thing for 50+ years- he still has 26yrs of work life left, touch wood, plenty of time to make a jump and climb up a different ladder.

I don't want to be married to a man in a van though and I realise that's probably snobbery as much as anything.

Wow.
And imagine if he said the same when all you did was answer the phone.

I don't want to be married to a man in a van though and I realise that's probably snobbery as much as anything.

Thats not good, to feel you are now too good for your own DH.
I had a friend Linda who baulked when her DH wanted to be a handyman in a van. However, she said he could give it a shot for a year, thinking he’d get fed up and make nothing. He started out and got so many jobs he ended up like my example before, hiring more handyman and vans and eventually he started a Ltd business and he is the CEO and is making £100k a month or thereabouts. He ended up specialising in listed houses- so finding people than can repair thatch or do lime wash.

The last time we moved, we had purchased two carpet remnants (fluked a good deal on two wool blend massive carpets left over from another customer backing out) for £200. I had to try and find a man with a van. I got many quotes to get those carpets picked up and to the new place. The two cheapest were £180 and £240 for a journey of 3 miles. 2 from the van man base of operations to the shop and 1 from shop to new home. I then got one local man with a van (iffy/unofficial/classified advert) to say £80 but he didn't show up because he was so busy.

I suspect that whether it makes much money is down to location, like everything else, but don't assume they make nothing.

My own brother couldn't keep up with the sheer amount of work he had doing the same but for companies, not private individuals, and had to take on several drivers to keep up. He sadly passed way before we moved. He made a lot of money and the growth was rapid.

After all my searching for a van man, it turned out my husband was mates with his employer's logistics guy, who had his own small fleet of HGVs and various other vans and lorries. He offered to fetch our carpets for free and we gave him a nice present.

I suspect that if your husband is already a HGV driver, he has a good idea of what he is doing. There is a lot of money in logistics for the right person.

Also, people who are saying, there's loads of "man with a van" out there, as in a saturated market. You try finding one for a specific job. It's a lot harder to actually get a hold of one who isn't fully booked up than you think.

(I do 80% of this already on top of a full time job).

Why. Just why? Why do we let this happen to us?

I do hope that he"s not a male escort...😳

I think it would be unfair of you not to support him in wanting to change careers to something more fulfilling.

However I would expect him to do extensive research into potential jobs that tick all of the right boxes, decent pay and enjoyable/flexible etc rather than the first thing that pops into his head.

The division of labour sounds incredibly unfair and a discussion needs to be had about that.

So you earn more and do 80% of the rest.
Time to re think your marriage.
He wants to semi retire on you.
Lots of people find their jobs dull, they don't give their jobs up without having a realistic plan up and running.
He thinks you are the family work horse.
Time tell him its not happening and you will separate if he insists.

Hmm, difficult one but I do think you should give his thoughts about becoming self-employed some consideration. Whilst you've managed to hoik yourself up the earnings and 'social' scale' with the help of your 'godsend' DM - what with childcare or paying your bills or? - I'm sure there was a time when your DH earned more than you as mechanics generally do compared to receptionists, never mind financially supporting you in some way whilst you undertook your degree.

Being a Mechanic is a fine trade and is a regular earner - and doesn't need a Degree to assess competency and 'value' - they're always in demand.

HGV Driving is not very conducive to being fully-involved in the day to day running of home-life so I can appreciate your DH's desire to want to be at home more.

Maybe becoming a Man with a Van is setting his bar a little low; but becoming a Mobile Mechanic might be more of a go. Although it would take more investment regarding tools, etc. But then you would appreciate that, given the 'investment' your partnership made to enable you to study a degree for 3 years.

YANBU and he should stop whining.

YANBU. 41 is far too young to go into semi retirement and your kids will be more or less off your hands in a few years time.

You married young and sounds like you have changed a lot in your 20s and 30s. Maybe you are just not compatible anymore. It might be worth considering an exit strategy...

Great idea.

Also have him make a list of the additional household and family duties he will be taking on.

The arrangement needs to be that if you're working - he's working. No xbox during the work day.

I would strongly advise that you stand your ground and don't support this. It would be completely different if your DH was sharing the load fairly, or prepared to do so. But you are already doing 80%, trust me when he sets his own hours it will be ten times worse! He will likely be free (to play his Xbox) whilst the kids are at school or childcare, and then conveniently pick up work over all the times at home that are busy and hard work

Did you work whilst doing your degree or take time off?

If he's already a hgv driver, could he go contracting as a hgv driver? This gives him more flexibility and is 'kind of' running his own business. Like any contracting it pays well but can be flaky with work. He'll be ok coming up to Xmas to give his business account a boost.

Secondly, you need to address his lack of work with the dc and children, this seems to be why you're dogging your heels in. If he pulled his weight you might be more inclined to support this decision

Why doesn't he retrain as a driving instructor? Your kids are at the perfect age for him to pick up all their friends and friends friends. It's driving, it's not as physical as a man with a van, it will mean after school working and weekends, but they are massively in demand pretty much everywhere. And during the daytime, he can do his share around the home?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to go self employed, the freedom you get makes it. But man and van is probably not the best direction for him to go in.
Is there a reason you need to earn a certain amount? Do you have a hefty mortgage?
Comparing him to your high flying go getters is definitely unreasonable though

I was somewhat on your DHs side until you mentioned you worked all the way through your degree.

Was going suggest he retrain as HGV driver but so early that’s not going to work!

Rather than self employed, how about driving deliveries for a supermarket? My friend did that for several years (ironically she has now trained as an HGV driver!) - it was flexible, paid fairly well and offered lots of perks including staff discount, and meant she was meeting lots of people during the course of each day.

He clearly thinks he can earn a decent wage though? Has he pulled together a business plan with cash flow etc. I don’t think he can expect to ask you to agree to this without having done that.
If he’s bored though I don’t think he just needs to suck it up. I think that jointly you both should explore that. It’s unreasonable for him not to look at other employment options. I doubt man in a van is his dream job- what is it that appeals to him?

I don’t think YABU at all. He’ll be pissing about with a van earning next to nothing while you’ll probably be working until you’re 80. He should be working towards making a 50% share of the household expenses not paying less. Especially as you’ve not got long to retirement and it sounds like your kids will be needing financial support for a time yet.

I think what people aren’t picking up is that DH isn’t really looking to make a good go of the man in a van business. It sounds like he wants a hobby job. Ultimately being a man in a van is driving like his current job but with heavy lifting. He’s not thought about why this will be more interesting than his current job - he just wants to be able to set his own hours and given he hasn’t much work ethic at home, I very much doubt he’ll suddenly be out working 12 hour days and doing the work needed to bring in business.

Op I’d make this a hard boundary. You’ve outgrown him and honestly should have been enforcing him doing more at home for years. He wants to be a “traditional man” at home without being the breadwinner

Sounds Like there are bigger issues than his career choices. I gladly encouraged my DH to give up work and retrain because he was so unhappy, but then he's gone a bit nuts about keeping the house tidy and doing all the childcare. Unfortunately this means he has not pursued any paid work at all. Sometimes wonder if we're doing the wrong thing as it means I work very long hours and never see the kids, but I can't easily change it now. Guess I'm saying I don't resent him for it, nor did I trivialise his work issues. Your post comes across mainly as if you look down on your DH. When civilization collapses, we need blue collar skills, not people who are good at spreadsheets....world war z is a refreshing reminder of how that would work. It's a great book even if you're not into zombies.