Asking parents to refinance home for him?!

[RosesandRainbows]

My boyfriend (mid40’s) is in a financial pickle. He is in serious debt (we’re talking multiple thousand of pounds a month repayments) and can’t even pay his rent or child maintenance at the moment. He is due some large payments from previous contracts that are dragging along and should (if they do at all) get paid out in the next 6 months or so.

He has asked his parents to remortgage their house to help him out of this hole until he finally gets some money to pay them back, pay his debts back and then have some money left over to live off of. They have agreed!

Am I the only one that thinks this is madness from them to equity release - at great cost- to help him out with no guarantee that he will actually be able to pay them back. Or am I a heartless b*tch?

This man's only concern is to maintain the illusion that he is wealthy and successful, he will sacrifice all those around him in order to do this.

Run away as fast as you can! What's the alternative - that you move in with him in future and your credit file gets tied to him? I'd also let this slip to a sibling - his parents are at major risk of being left high, dry and homeless in their old age, once this money slips through his fingers like all the rest.

Unless you've seen evidence about these payments he's expecting, I'd be very dubious about how true that is too.

Run like the wind. This man sounds awful.
You haven't mentioned how he got into this 'pickle'. To owe what sounds like huge amounts of money I would be worried he was hiding a gambling problem or something like that. Either way, not to be trusted.

I once borrowed a large sum from my mum, I mean tens of thousands, to pay off debt, but I did then make all the repayments for about 5 years afterwards and paid off everything. He doesn't seem like he would do this, if I were them I would not do it myself.

He’s hinted that it would be good of me to lend him some cash until they get the money to him

I'll bet he has though it was very sensible of you to refuse and not to move him in with you

So you have a boyfriend who:
Has a family full of financial incontinents
Has a child already he "can't" pay for, though he can still spend on himself
Is self employed (red flags there when it comes to maintenance)
Waited 18 months to come clean about the debt
Feels it's beneath him to get another job to tide him over
... and thinks it's up to you to sub him

In the bin he goes ...

He sounds like a catch.

I agree with PP's that this is sailing close to elder abuse, as they could potentially become homeless. This isn't scaremongering, my Dad knows someone who lost her house due to her son's financial mess. She's now renting a small retirement flat and will never own her own home again.

I would end the relationship, OP, you're seeing what he's really like. Someone who'll risk his parents' security like this isn't a person whom you want in your life.

He seems to think getting another job is beneath him.

that alone would give me the Ick. Run before he manages to get loans in your name fraudulently.

Ugh, he really doesn’t sound nice op. I’d be letting this one go I think, he is showing you his true colours.

Do you want to be with this person. Selfish. Useless with money. Says it all. Not up to you. Maybe his parents are thinking he will inherit it all one day anyway......so why not some mow. That's the big sell of equity release....
Best leave and leave them to it....

Of course getting another job is beneath him. My ex used to call people (including me) that worked hard including overtime "sheep". Guess which one out of the two of us has a career and a home?

He will never come good OP. He won't pay for his own DC (like my ex) but can pay to impress his mates or strangers. And he would see his own parents homeless or for you to go without to fund it.

Leave him to it. Concentrate on you.

Agree with everyone else. Think it's best to end things with him.

I could understand the parents doing equity release if their adult child was struggling for reasons out of their control (i.e. disabled or had to give up work to care for a disabled child) and especially if it was to buy a vulnerable adult DC a home.

However, it sounds like your boyfriend is simply being irresponsible with money - to portray an expensive lifestyle.

Bad enough when no children but he's got a child he should be prioritising. And his parents money is just going to go on his rent (rather buying somewhere and being used for his CMS payments) so the money will run out and then both he and his parents will be at housing and financial risk.

Is it time to reassess whether this is someone you have a future with? That sounds awful but he seems terrible at managing money and making good decisions.

DO not mix your finances with this man at any time! Might be time to decide you aren't really compatible - your values are very much at odds here. I would NEVER do that to my parents.

So he’s

ripping off his ex wife, by expecting her to do 100% of the parenting and the child maintenance

ripping off his own child, by not paying child support

ripping off his parents , by putting them at risk of losing their house and losing their life savings

ripping off his siblings, by taking all the family assets

He sounds like a great catch @RosesandRainbows . is there some reason you’ve not dumped him already ?

This would make me feel sick. And I'd have said goodbye the moment I realised that he was serious. It's simply appalling and someone needs to stop his parents from doing this.

If you're going to end this relationship anyway, your grand finale should be to try to stop them. It won't matter what they think of you at that point. But you could save them from losing their home.

If we’re talking equity release then I would say his parents are mad, even if he does pay it back it could eventually be costing them a whole lot more. If they are just re-mortgaging I’d say that’s a different matter. What would happen if they don’t give/lend him the money? What’s the very worst that could happen?

if h3 doesn’t pay his rent can you put him for a while?

The thing about being a parent is that we wan5 to help our children when they run into problems. I’ve lent my kids a lot of money on occasion but it’s always been paid back and it’s always been money I can afford to lose I.e. out of my savings.

At the same time, our children will never learn if we keep bailing them out and I would never ever lend money I didn’t have.

Please dump this loser.

I feel so sorry for his parents. No idea who they are but they're about to throw away their security in retirement.

One way to find out if he's a complete loser as opposed to just financially crap is to offer to go with him or call StepChange or Christians against Poverty (I can't remember its name) which will help him with the various options, it might be better to enter an IVA or some type of debt management program than do this. If he won't do this then yes, he is a user.

Equity release won't mean that his parents lose their house, what it means is that when the parents pass away the other siblings will realize that there is no equity in the house at all and their brother has made off with it all.
I have a relative whose brother conned her out of her inheritance, he persuaded their father to do equity release on the property and when the parents were both deceased it came to light that there was no equity left. Her brother had had it all some years earlier.

The mental health excuse I don't like. It should be worse for his mental health to ask his elderly parents to remortgage his home. If he really is getting his shit together, it'll only be temporary anyway.

I would be notifying his siblings straight away, they will raise hell with the parents and he won't get his money.

You really need to talk to his parents.

Please dump this man. He is just awful thinking he could do that to his parents. Disgusting in fact. So he's given you some pretty obvious red flags now, it's up to you whether to be with him. You deserve much better and I'm glad you are thinking of leaving.