Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know if I should I have number 4?

98 replies

inneedofaglowup · 17/09/2024 11:52

I have 3 kids. 9,8, and 7. I'm 34 and I would love to have number 4 but then the thought of doing it all again puts me back in the no go zone. Husband would love it. We absolutely need a bigger home and we are far off getting that anytime for at least a few years. I'm in a great position at work I earn well. I'm also a bit weary of the age gap between the kids as well. Any advice and thoughts would be appreciated. A

OP posts:
Gracelet · 17/09/2024 11:56

Honestly? It sounds like your mind is made up. Plus the living space issue.

TallulahBetty · 17/09/2024 11:57

If in doubt, don't. Sounds like a lot of upheaval for you all, plus the extra costs and stretched time between them all.

Dishwashersaurous · 17/09/2024 12:00
  1. Can you afford it? Without any negative impact on existing children?
  1. What are the benefits to your existing children of another sibling?
  1. How would you cope with a child with extra health needs?
  1. What's the impact on your work?

Basically you need to work out what the benefits and costs are. And then do the benefits outweigh the costs?

SnappyGoldDuck · 17/09/2024 12:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

poppyzbrite4 · 17/09/2024 12:02

Can your husband do the majority of work since you have a great job? He could take time off and do all the running around necessary since he'd love another one.

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/09/2024 12:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This.

Think of the planet and other species, too.

If you want to be around newborns, plenty of people out there need help.

Foxblue · 17/09/2024 12:05

Depends on why you are far off getting a bigger home for a few years - if it's money, then is it not likely you will make things really tight for yourself adding another child into the mix?

AgainandagainandagainSS · 17/09/2024 12:06

Dishwashersaurous · 17/09/2024 12:00

  1. Can you afford it? Without any negative impact on existing children?
  1. What are the benefits to your existing children of another sibling?
  1. How would you cope with a child with extra health needs?
  1. What's the impact on your work?

Basically you need to work out what the benefits and costs are. And then do the benefits outweigh the costs?

Very sensible answer.

Your kids are at nice ages now for a nice family dynamic. I personally wouldn’t want to spoil that.

Aug12 · 17/09/2024 12:09

I’m interested to hear from others as I also have 3 and contemplating number 4. We have just moved into a larger 4bed home and are about to upgrade the car to a 7 seater so we will have enough space.. the finances are ok (not well off but comfortable, number 4 wouldn’t stretch us hugely - could still save, have a holiday etc)

The main reasons for me to not have a fourth (if we decide not to) is that I find it tricky to have quality time with them all individually and if I added another into the mix it would be even harder to balance.. I also had a terrible pregnancy with my 3rd and the risk of having a similar time with another puts me off.. I don’t want to be too poorly to take them places/do activities etc again. It’s it fair to the kids I already have.

Let us all know what you decide ❤️

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/09/2024 12:11

Three is the magic number. But maybe 4... down the road.
The age gap already exists which sort of takes the pressure off of you to 'have number 4 now'. At this point (and I come from a place of big age gaps), if you waited a couple of more years (or even more), your three children would still love and support their youngest sibling, possibly even more so because they'll be more mature. My eldest was 12 when my youngest was born. The beauty of big age gaps is, it's far less exhausting. You get a lot of one to one time with the baby (which is something you probably didn't get much of a chance to experience with 3 so close in age- that too comes with it's wonderful stuff). And having older siblings doting on a little one is such a beautiful experience itself. My youngest is 10. He's our little baby still. And he really was a rainbow baby. I'd had a stillborn daughter before him, so his arrival was just an extraordinary gift. And his later arrival (I was 42) was unexpected, unplanned, but sooo wanted. His two older siblings really take care of him. There's this really lovely, protective care and nurturing they display towards their youngest sibling. Age gaps are usually not the real problem when there is sibling dysfunction. It's down to personality between siblings, in all honesty.

In your shoes, I would go for it but I would wait 2-3 years, if I am honest. You're still young at 34. And, as I said, the age gaps already exist. So try and see the positives of the age gaps and give yourself time to make a decision. There's no rush.

Wholelotagrey · 17/09/2024 12:14

Things aren’t geared up for families of 6… holidays most need 2 rooms, you’d need a bigger car, family of 5 you can get away with 1 car, 1 family room on holiday, sometimes tickets for days out do 2 adults 3 kids. You never get this as a family of 6.

I’d stick to how things are and enjoy the freedom you have coming.

Errors · 17/09/2024 12:15

would love to have number 4 but then the thought of doing it all again puts me back in the no go zone

This sentence is contradictory.
You’ve listed many reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea, so explain why you would want to do it all again?

I wouldn’t, personally.

AluckyEllie · 17/09/2024 12:27

I would say no. You would be starting all over with a 7-9 year age gap which would be pretty harsh on your existing kids. They won’t want to do babyish things or go places the younger ones do. There is an element of freedom with older kids (holidays/days out/not needing rigid routine) that you don’t have with babies and toddlers.
You also say you already need a bigger house and can’t afford it- that won’t be helped by adding another child and another maternity leave into the picture.

Twinklefloss · 17/09/2024 12:33

Neighbours went for number 4. they got a bonus number 5 as it was twins.

can you REALLY afford it, as in give the children as much as you would like to, including down to supporting them at university and helping with house deposits? Take them on holiday every year?

even rich families I know who can pay 4x school fees and incidentals (£120k net income pa to cover that alone) struggle to give all four the attention they want and need, even with one stay at home parent. If you’re working can you manage one more child’s illness absence or can you get a nanny? By “earn well” I assume you’re on over 6 figures so maybe a nanny is part of the plan?

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/09/2024 12:35

Twinklefloss That happened to a friend of mine! She'd had one DC for 8 years. Birth was so traumatic, she was one and done. And then she became brave and broody and had baby number 2. Baby number 2 went so well, she went for baby number 3 and got 4 at the same time. 😊

Twinklefloss · 17/09/2024 12:36

@SerenityNowInsanityLater seeing that play out and the ongoing impact next door put us off going for number 3!

Stickseas0n · 17/09/2024 12:53

As someone who has four, absolutely do not do it

Skyrainlight · 17/09/2024 13:12

No, don't have number 4.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 17/09/2024 13:21

Sounds like you currently have a lovely set up, why would you risk jeopardising that (it sounds like a fourth would make your finances more risky if the child had a disability/if one of you was made redundant/ became ill etc)? What would a fourth add that a third didn't?

toomuchfaff · 17/09/2024 13:58

I'd be looking at why you're looking.

What is it that you think is missing, that'll be delivered by number 4 that isn't there with the 3 you have? How can you fill that gap with the 3 you have?

neverbeenskiing · 17/09/2024 14:04

If you already don't have enough space as it is then adding a 4th child to your family would be really unfair on the 3 you already have. I would always prioritise existing children over a hypothetical child.

There are plenty of reasons not to have another baby in your OP, so why does your DH want a 4th? Are the 3 you already have all the same gender by any chance?

Original poster
inneedofaglowup · 17/09/2024 14:16

Thanks all some good insights!

I have 2 girls and a boy and my mind was to try for another boy for my son. Even if it was another girl we'd still be happy. My husband is very hands on so would do everything he can to help out. But yes I think if it was something we really want we would have to wait until we're in a better position. And even then maybe we won't want to ruin the family dynamic at that time. But I do agree right now is not the right time.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 17/09/2024 14:18

I have 2 girls and a boy and my mind was to try for another boy for my son

Bloody hell. Why can't your son play with your daughter's or his friends? If you have another girl will you have no5?

Frozenberries · 17/09/2024 14:21

You might have another girl and then your son will be really outnumbered. With the age gap you have, even if you have a boy they won’t play together much.

as it stands you’ve got 3 kids all close in age. You’ve got through the difficult baby and toddler ages which can’t have been easy with 3 so close together. They’re now at lovely ages, more independent but still young. You can plan family days out that will suit all 3. You won’t be able to do that in 2 years time with kids ages 9,10 and 11 and a one year old.

KeepinOn · 17/09/2024 14:57

I have 2 sons 12 years apart. They barely spend time together, older DS has moved out and is an adult. Having another child for the sake of a specific sex sibling is folly.

Swipe left for the next trending thread