To not know if I should I have number 4?

[inneedofaglowup]

I have 3 kids. 9,8, and 7. I'm 34 and I would love to have number 4 but then the thought of doing it all again puts me back in the no go zone. Husband would love it. We absolutely need a bigger home and we are far off getting that anytime for at least a few years. I'm in a great position at work I earn well. I'm also a bit weary of the age gap between the kids as well. Any advice and thoughts would be appreciated. A

We have 5 kids. What I found really nice about the dynamics between our eldest and youngest this time round- is that our eldest (10 years old) has matured somewhat and is great with our youngest. They have such a nice relationship.
Logistically things get a bit trickier, the more you have. Bigger car, we need two hotel rooms whenever we go away etc. but it hasn’t stopped us doing lots of holidays, days out, activities etc.

2 perspectives here re the age gap.

Myself and my sister are 11 years apart and granted we weren't that close growing up however in the last id say 8 years (Im 38 shes 27) we are literally the best of friends.

I have 3 DD, 2 are just over a year apart (11 and 9) and they despise each other just now, and i mean cannot stand the sight of one another. The only thing that's keeping me sane right now is that there is glimmers of loyalty and love from the both of them and i pray they get on as they get older.

There is a 5 plus age gap between the 3rd and them and there is no issue with that they both love her and play with her.

So i dont think age gaps make the slightest bit of difference.

I would have had a 4th, but sadly i feel we have ran out of time.

I'll speak as somone who's having no.4 not through choice...
I have 3 dc, 18, 11 and 6. 2 are autistic. However at 42 I've got pregnant by accident and am going ahead with it. It's not easy at this age. You have a few years left before entering the "too old for this shit" territory. Maybe see how you feel.in 6 months time?

A 4 bed house is not big enough for a family of 6. It's all very well when they are you but those teenagers will hate sharing rooms.

But my god, parenting the eldest two is 100% more difficult, draining and time consuming than ds3.

Isn't it just @TouringTheTearooms
DD wasn't badly behaved at all, but I couldn't control the ex friend who bullied her, the friendship issues at school, the boyfriend issues, the GCSE and A level stress, the UCAS applications and rejections and interview stress. And then the big £££ one - financial support through university (due to health issues and lockdown working as student wasn't an option)

When your DC are small a hug and a kiss makes them better. You can't do this with a teenager. The number of sleepless nights DD has given me does take its toll.

Absolutely - go for it, have number 4. You’ll never regret having a child but you might regret not having one. I have four and whilst there are downsides financially there are always alternatives- no hotel rooms for 6, so we go for private bunk rooms in youth hostels (or camp or air bnb), can’t have a car - so get a van like us - stacks of room for bikes etc.. in the back and seats six, who can afford to send three kids to uni anyway?! They’ll have to have loans so a fourth doesn’t make a difference, food costs - buying bulk actually cheaper and with six you get through it…. trust me the fourth baby just slots right in - you’ll know what you’re doing - plus your older ones will help out and love it and they all keep each other occupied. Pregnancy with older kids watching on was a delight - they loved being involved - they honestly found it miraculous and adored their sibling from the start. My oldest can now babysit the youngest - it’s totally different to when you have the first lot all young together. If your husband is supportive I’d say go on the adventure together - in my experience having that slightly larger family has been nothing but positive for everyone. You do however need to make a little time per child (15 minutes a week at least) for some alone time with one of there parents - it’s a small thing but makes a big difference if it’s intentional - but you need to do that with three anyway…. All my kids get on really well and love being a four (I’d have had a fifth but I got too old..)

I’m terribly sorry this is your experience, it must be very challenging for you.
However, please don’t scare monger, younger mothers have disabled children too, it’s not always to do with mothers age. I just had my 2nd at 34…. Perfectly healthy and I’m one if the younger mothers in my group. 34 is not old for having children.

Yep - think further ahead OP and I think you should stick with your "no" decision.

3 will cost you a fortune anyway!

Also kids do not have to have their own rooms - and are often happier sharing. kids going to their own little box to spend their free time is a very western concept. There are lots of ways of giving privacy - curtains, bunks, L shaped bunks etc.. I wouldn’t let that be a factor.. they only sleep there! Living spaces matter more. We used to have a three bed with 6 of us but moved to a four bed with a larger living space - still everyone always chooses to be together in the kitchen every evening (even the animals) .. so I’m not sure it made any difference.. a big garden is great though!

They don’t have to go on them! What secondary school are yours at? We have an exchange trip to the states but if they go on it they are supposed to raise the money themselves - otherwise it is £350 for outdoor residential once in seven years or a very optional ski trip which only a fraction of the year can go on anyway.. I’d say that is typical?

My kids are at a standard state school. There are multiple residentials abroad for different year groups eg trips for history/languages/sports tours/music tour. Cost ranges from £650ish to Paris - £1.5k for the ski trip and £2k for the America trip! They’re usually for less than a week, too. There weren’t really any trips like this when I went to school either, seems things have changed.

Totally agree with this - I had my youngest at 40 - all healthy kids and I wasn’t the oldest of the mothers I met in my pregnancy journey by a fair way. Disability in a child is not an inevitable outcome of pregnancy later in life (not that 34 is old - doesn’t qualify as geriatric in pregnancy terms - that’s over 35 😀). Most first pregnancies these days are in the 30s.

No of course they don’t have to go on them. They are likely to want to go and ask to go though, especially if their peers are. I was just adding to the conversation about older children costing money and of course the more you have, the higher the costs. My children are at a normal state school, they run several trips abroad for different subjects every year.

no hotel rooms for 6, so we go for private bunk rooms in youth hostels

This in itself would be enough for me to say nope. Uuurgh. I like my luxuries and my back being comfortable far too much to "rough it" any more. That's for when you're in your feckless single 20's. Now I like good pillows and great bathrooms.

who can afford to send three kids to uni anyway?! They’ll have to have loans so a fourth doesn’t make a difference,

Ummm you do realise, for many, the loans barely covers accommodation costs so you still have to top up their living costs. Even if they get a part time job, it's often not enough especially in the more expensive cities.

I feel you are very naive about the financial implications of having older children.

(15 minutes a week at least)

Oh my god. 15 minutes a week? Really?

I hope you're saving for therapy for them all too. Jeez. 🙄

I stand corrected! And you're right, if they're peers are going then it's pretty depressing to turn them down.

I wouldn’t let that be a factor.. they only sleep there!

Maybe when they're little. Ds3 is 7 and spends very little time in his bedroom. Eldest two were the same at that age.

Not when they're older though. Ds1 (16) and 2 (14) have their own rooms. They sleep there. Have a mirror each on their wall so spend time faffing with their hair when getting ready. Spend time on their xbox. Shut themselves away when they want a private conversation with a friend or girlfriend. They have their own desks so they're in their rooms when doing homework or revision for exams.

Mine are actually fairly social and will sit and watch telly with us, always have meals at the table, happy to join us for a game of cards or something on a Friday night. But they spend a decent amount of time in their rooms and there is zero chance they would choose to share if given the option.

'Never mind they only sleep there' and similar is comforting to say when you've chosen to have more dc than you have spare rooms. But it's not really true.

You’ll never regret having a child

plus your older ones will help out and love it and they all keep each other occupied

Some crystal ball you’ve got there!

Plenty of parents regret having a child (it’s just taboo to admit it) and plenty of people did not love helping out because mum and dad have spread themselves too thin. My mum was one of the former and I was one of the latter.

Aw I’d have loved 4! There’s never a good time - if you’ve got the means, a good partner and the energy go for it!!!

Absolutely. People do regret having children, and adding to the family they've got. Not everyone has enough time, energy and money to successfully parent larger families.

I'm completely put off even contemplating a fourth.

I currently have a 4 week old....I think you've forgotten how hard the baby stage is. Think of the cluster feeding, the total sleep deprivation. Pregnancy is usually harder as you get older too.