To not know if I should I have number 4?

[inneedofaglowup]

I have 3 kids. 9,8, and 7. I'm 34 and I would love to have number 4 but then the thought of doing it all again puts me back in the no go zone. Husband would love it. We absolutely need a bigger home and we are far off getting that anytime for at least a few years. I'm in a great position at work I earn well. I'm also a bit weary of the age gap between the kids as well. Any advice and thoughts would be appreciated. A

100000% this.

In a few years, due to the age gaps, you'll be going through non stop exam periods.

It will be impossible to give the youngest lots of attention whilst supporting the older three through exams.

OP, others have already pointed out that the gap between your son and any prospective new sibling (which you know could as easily be another girl) means that all you're doing is taking your attention away from him.

I was 9 when my brother was born. I loved him immediately and still do and I'm as involved with his children as if they were my grandkids (I have no children).

Our mother became very ill for 4 years from when I was 14 and I bonded even closer to him as I was then his principal carer.

But when I went to university he grieved so hard that he was taken into hospital with what turned out to be psychosomatic blindness.

Beware that doing it "for your son" turns out not to be quite what you're fantasising.

Your older kids may absolutely love a new sibling, ime They're the baby everyone dotes on. But consider them in 10 years they'll be moving on to uni / their own lives and your 9/10 year old will be on their own. So then you need no. 5.....

She's already said they'll have a 7 seater car, and not everyone takes holidays. I don't.

No, don’t do it.

I had number 4 earlier this year. Mine are all under six though, so much closer in age. I have my own private income, DH has a job where he’s away for weeks at a time, then home and very hands on for weeks. I have loads of local friends and family, don’t work, and we were able to move to a larger property.

It seems like you are already stretched financially, domestically and you work FT? It would be a hard no from me.

Older parent? Really? At 34. Get a grip.

With 3 very close together I don't think I'd add in another with that big an age gap.

Biologically speaking, yes they are an older parent.

My mum was just 35 when she had my youngest, disabled, sister who I now am looking after post my parents deaths.

I do have a grip, thank you, and possibly more than a lot of people who haven't gone through this.

you're only 34 with 3 kids which must have taken up most of your 20's....the more kids you have the fewer resources you have for them ,whether that's money, time, emotions....in this day and age where living costs are so high wouldn't you prefer to be able to give more support to your kids so they do really well educationally and have the money to set themselves up better in life?

All relevant concerns above however, I was in your position 15 years ago and decided not to have a fourth. I was worried about spending enough time with each of them, space in the house etc. I massively regret my decision and have always wondered what they would have looked like, personality, gender... If your husband and children are for it then I would go for it.

Absolutely not if you have a sex preference. Why does sex matter, your son can play with his sisters, friends etc., they're kids, it doesn't matter what their sex is. I wouldn't, it will totally change what you are able to do as a family, how will you possible divide your attention as parents between 4 (I don't know how people do it with more than 2!). And think of the planet and the resources inevitably used by every new person on earth.

I know, the age isn't a concern, I'm having my first at 34 and I feel young in my friendship/social circles.

Jeez no, just don't, for all the reasons outlined above

I stopped at 3 as we couldn’t afford number 4 if e both wanted to continue working (childcare cost). I also wanted them all to have their own room. It’s fine to share when younger, but so believe teens need their private space. I am now also paying for 3 through uni and it’s not cheap. We have saved for this since they were born…..

This has already been mentioned but absolutely do not underestimate the cost of teenagers. I have just spent over £200 getting my 12 year old kitted out for secondary school and that is even with resisting the pressure for new balance PE trainers and a Nike jacket. On top of this she has dance lessons, pocket money and a basic phone which all cost £150 a month combined before we even get to clothes, socialising, haircuts, christmas etc. We have a decent income but I absolutely cannot imagine having to pay that out 4 times over.

If you made your post into a list of pros and cons, there are way more cons, the only pro being that you like the idea and your husband would love it.

Sounds like overall it’s not something you want.

I’d also be wary of the age gap - baby 4 would grow up feeling like they’re almost a completely different generation to their siblings, I’ve seen this happen in a few families (where youngest child is now an adult, so this opinion has come directly from them).

In many cases, the emotional toll of parenting a teenager is hard and very stressful

This.

And until you get there, you never believe it.

When you're in the thick of constant, on the go parenting of young kids it just doesn't seem possible that parenting a 14 or 16 year old could be harder. You think parents of teens must have forgotten, that they're laying it on thick or whatever. I remember thinking similar 😂

I have 16, 14 and 7 year olds. And the eldest two are 'good' boys...doing well in school/college, no behavioural issues, polite and all the rest. I'm not coming at this from the pov of a struggling parent of tearaways.

But my god, parenting the eldest two is 100% more difficult, draining and time consuming than ds3. The biggest problems I have to sort for ds3 are changing his bed when he has an accident, helping him with homework, talking through when Billy at school won't let him play football.

It's a walk in the park compared to girlfriend dramas, 'big' decisions over options. GCSE's and A Levels, handing over the reins to your 16 year old and watching them make mistakes and not being ABLE to do it for them any more, just having to watch and pick up the pieces.

I would spend less of my time parenting a set of 7 year old quadruplets tbh than I spend on two teens.

Yep and VERY expensive school trips in secondary- with the eldest 3 you could be spending £2-3k+ a year if they all go on a trip.

We’re heading for the uni years shortly and god ,the expense, if you are above a certain income bracket ,your kids look to be saddled with debts for life and you still have to subsidise them to meet their living costs, the costs are ££££

Thanks all for your input. Appreciated

Yes, and last year I was spending £600 a month on private therapy for my youngest because it would have taken too long through the state. That was on top of him costing me £300/month in food, £200/month in hobbies, £50/month in transport plus the regular clothes, haircuts, shoes etc. You are going to have three of them.

What schools are these? Maybe because I went to a regular state school, I went to Butlins for a day, and Calis for a day.