To not know if I should I have number 4?

[inneedofaglowup]

I have 3 kids. 9,8, and 7. I'm 34 and I would love to have number 4 but then the thought of doing it all again puts me back in the no go zone. Husband would love it. We absolutely need a bigger home and we are far off getting that anytime for at least a few years. I'm in a great position at work I earn well. I'm also a bit weary of the age gap between the kids as well. Any advice and thoughts would be appreciated. A

I didn't say anywhere he doesn't?

Yeh it wasn't easy.

Your older three are close together and at an age where they're starting to get more independent, then you'd have a huge age gap to number 4. I'd find this really difficult personally. You have a 50% chance of having a girl but even if you had a boy, they'd be at such different stages of life, it's not as if they'd be ready made play mates.

That’s the thing. Everyone’s dynamics are different and it’s the great unknown. My eldest is 22 and lives with his girlfriend who is a dream! She’s so lovely to the siblings and I think it’s because she’s observed their dynamic. My youngest is 10 and goes to visit, hangs out at big brother’s flat where they game, eat pizza, just hang. Not all the time but if he’s not visiting, my eldest comes home to visit us, his siblings specifically. They’re everything to him.

Don't be daft!

You can’t have another “for your son”. Siblings very often don’t get on anyway

I guess why now? Why are you suddenly thinking after all those years?

With a minimum eight year age gap between your youngest and any baby, they are not going to play together. By the time the baby is a preschooler who can properly play, the youngest will be at secondary school.

So in many ways it will be like having an only child in terms of playmates

A lot of sad responses about siblings not getting on and not having a good family dynamic or growing your family. Thanks everyone will keep it in mind.

Wary or weary?
But no, I reckon don't. Why upset the applecart and change everything? Too many people on the planet as it is and the future looks bleak environmentally speaking.

Please don't. The chances of a child with disabilities are much greater the older its parents are, it will cause problems for the other children later on if their sibling is disabled, and what happens when you die?

Be glad of what you have now and make the most of it

We have 4 but the gap is more like 2 pairs- a 3 year gap then 5 years then 2 years between the last two. It has lovely parts but also very tricky parts too. I think in your situation with a bigger gap with just one younger, they might be a bit left out and it is tricky parenting two different ages - taking preschoolers along to things you need to attend for your older children and family outings don't necessarily fit everyone's interests. I'm not sure I'd have had a 4th in your position with the large gap with one child being separate when the other 3 are all close in age, but then on the other hand even with all the challenges I wouldn't change our family

"try for another boy for my son"! What?
That's not a good reason. Don't have a child for a child. Plus you may get another girl and you'll be disappointed.

Absolutely not true.

My sister has a family of 7 plus dog. They often manage in 1 room and have a 7 seater.

Yes you have to be creative and plan, but can definitely be done.

No don’t. I have a large gap as I had my first very young. I’ve been doing the school run for 1/4 of a century now. One day there will be a day when I can think of myself first. It’s good having kids close in age for family days out / holidays etc, having another baby will spoil that dynamic. Just enjoy the ones you have, you’ve got to stop eventually so why not already

dont do it
a new car would be needed for a start

the age gap would be unfair

This 👆

Nobody here has mentioned the prospect of teenagers and adult children. Emotionally they certainly don’t get any easier and they certainly don’t get cheaper!

We have paid for private tuition, braces, driving lessons, cars and now university for our two. Thousands and thousands of pounds. It’a not just about needing a bigger house and car.

I feel that we’ve given our two enough money and attention over the years. I agonised over having a third while in my mid thirties. So glad I didn’t, I’m 48 and dh and I finally feel as if we have time for ourselves and each other again. I certainly wouldn’t advise having a fourth, but at the end of the day op, it’s your choice!

My parents had four close together then a fifth when we were 9-14.
My youngest sibling says he feels that he was brought up in a different family! He was at primary school while we were in our teens. We have a very different relationship with him than with each other. It’s all good and we love him and babysit his DC as ours are nearly all adults now. He just wasn’t part of our childhood really.
I have 2G and 1B myself all in 3 years. They are great together now as young adults. I am tired and older now and can’t imagine still having one just starting secondary. That would be if I had one with the same gap as you’re contemplating.
Plus they really really need their own room when they’re teens.

You've been very fortunate to have your three children - I'm going to agree with pp and say focus on them. You'll need a lot of energy when they're teenagers.

I am a family of 6 I can tell you it’s true. You’re right about the car you can have a 7 seater but that’s my point another change that would need to be made.

It's no coincidence that threads like this are nearly always from parents of primary school aged kids and younger.

Teenagers are expensive and, in many cases, the emotional toll of parenting a teenager is hard and very stressful.

Can I suggest that you read the secondary education, further education and higher education boards on here to get a taste of what it is like to parent teenagers. You are also aware that parents are expected to top up student loans?

Besides, why would you want to go back to sleepless nights and nappies again? And what would a fourth give you that three don't?

Four is lovely and the practical considerations are fine. The baby/toddler stage is just great but the age gap you have will be too big. Our 4th is 5 years younger than the next and that is still a big gap. They just aren't at the same stage. Also the teenagers being expensive ....its sooo much more expensive than you think 🤑 quit while you are ahead.

My advise would be don't ask the internet 😬

Having gone through the teenage years with two kids I can tell you there is no way I would have wanted to do that whilst having significantly younger kids too. If you fell pregnant tomorrow your youngest will still be in nursery when your current youngest starts secondary school. I know some teens are super easy, mine was considered easy, but the emotional support they need is something I had never experienced in all of their younger years. There is so much worrying that comes with teenagers, and listening, and driving, and cleaning, cooking, food shopping, but mostly, again, it's a lot of worrying and sleepless nights. You will have three of them going through it all at the same time. It will be exhausting enough, you don't need to throw a toddler in the mix.