How to I explain to DC that they have no grandparents (even thought they're alive)?

[wishuponacloud21]

We have one DC who is under 6 months old. We only plan on having one.

My mum - she didn't raise me, very interested in drugs and men and having multiple children with different ones and not looking after them. I tried with her as an adult, she never changed

My dad - M.I.A he ran off and had another family and forgot about me

My in laws - had a great relationship with them until we got engaged and they turned very nasty towards me, mainly MIL. I have gone no contact, DH continues LC. But we are both of the opinion that if you can't respect someone's mother, you don't get a relationship with the child. Plus our DC is treated very differently to the other 1 DCG of a similar age and it is so obvious that they will notice it in a few years time.

I had the most amazing relationships with my grandparents- who all took turns raising me.

What do I say, and when, and how?

We lost the last of the DGPs last year but have been so very lucky that our elderly NDN has been a surrogate GP and even DM to me and our family for the last 15yrs.
Sometimes friends are better or a additional lucky bonus to family, and your DC can't miss what they don't know.

I would have liked my child to be offered the same time and effort as the other DGC, yes.

I have since gone NC.

For your parents I think it’s pretty simple, you say that you grew up with your grandparents who were more like your parents, sadly they are no longer alive. You don’t really need to go into details about your parents.

As for your ILs - it sounds like your ILs are happy to have a relationship with your DC. You want to block that because of their treatment of you and the perceived imbalance with the other DGC. Are you sure you will be able to explain that to your child in future? “actually DH’s parents were happy to see you but we said no”. Be sure your reasons are good enough to justify your child having no grandparents when they could have had some.

Nobody is going to come and offer to spend 6 weeks with a localish grandchild so you’re being utterly ridiculous. They probably didn’t feel huge excitement about spending 6 weeks with the other grandchild but distance made it necessary. Clearly you haven’t made them feel welcome enough that they feel they can spend more time with you and your child. You aren’t even talking to them, would you rush to keep coming back to someone who doesn’t want you there

I agree with this. If they are good grandparents then the fact that they no longer have a relationship with you (whilst hurtful), really doesn't need to come into it.

I wouldn't write them off for a relationship with my child but there's no need for you to facilitate it, let your husband do that which he will if you're ok with it. Be ok with it for your child's sake, they will benefit.

I'm in this situation and I've found it quite painful to be honest. I was still quite strong in the initial years but I'm nearly a decade down the line and find it very sad for me, husband and children. It's not for want of trying on our part but you can't reason with unreasonable people and that's putting it mildly.

Yes kids don't particularly care and take it what you say at face value. It's me that finds it hard, things like Christmas, birthdays and school holidays for just a visit for a cup of tea to break things up and have someone welcome us and care about us. Every challenge is just for us to deal with. I see others with family units providing support in the form of moral, financial, practical (eg. DIY) or childcare.

I know some families get one or two forms of support or in some cases all forms of support and I'd say that I am a bit bitter now having done everything on our own with no one to fall back on.

Even things like if feeling absolutely sick as a dog with a bug, there is no respite. A strain on our marriage as become more ground down never getting a break or time alone.

I will give tidbits of info that's age appropriate and still pondering whether or not to tell my own painful story in full to them or not. It's very difficult.

Another part of this I've found difficult is other people, I mean how do you explain this situation when they ask, it's not normal and people don't understand.

We don't have contact with DH side.
DS had quite a few grandparental type people in his life, an older childminder who was also a neighbour and is still involved in his life now as a tween. A few great aunts and uncles.
My parents are present.

He didn't know any better and even now it is explained as some people aren't very good mummy's and daddy's, so it's not very good to be their child. But Dad knows from their mistakes how to bring you up in the best way with lots of love and we don't need you to meet them and see what it's like to live in a family who don't prioritize being there for each other.

Hes happy with that at the minute age 12. Probably later in life he will want more answers and we will give them when appropriate.

My dc have no dgps. Youngest is 10 and ils chose to snub him from birth. Mil visited in hospital when she was told not to. Not a great start. She was oddly interested in my dc.. But when our 1 and only dc together arrived she dumped us. No back story honestly.. Dc know we don't see our dps (I am nc with mine since before youngest was born..).ds has asked outright.. I just told him we don't see them because they aren't very nice.

So does the nastiness they have shown towards you OP go beyond not spending equivalent time with your dc as with the one who lives on the other side of the world?

No, she's just comparing the effort to see her child, i.e. four hour visit from MIL while FIL stayed in the pub to the effort to travel overseas and spend six weeks with another grandchild.

She wants to go no contact because they aren't bothered about her child.

Of course! It's death by a thousand cuts. Started far before I was even pregnant, before I was married, if starred the day her son got down on one knee. I may be stupid, before that day we had a relationship that felt like a true friendship, more fool me.

So what happened when you decided to get married?

It doesn’t sound like you’re doing this from a starting point of being in the children’s best interest but as a form of retaliation and reaction to your own relationship with parents, which should be separate.

I have reflected on that believe me.

I do find it odd that people can treat the mother of a child badly and still expect a relationship with the child. I just don't see how that works?

I feel that if they showed genuine interest and effort with DC I probably would be more ok about it. But they don't. She used to ask my DH for pictures of the baby but now doesn't etc (he would ask me to send them to him as hes not much of a picture taker and I would). Treats cousin differently, makes time and effort and has made numerous trips to Australia (where they live) but we live 200 miles away and she doesn't. When she visited and FIL chose to not, I was welcoming and wasn't funny around the baby at all, let her hold them loads and listened to her telling me they had wind repeatedly (when they didn't).

I don't ever claim to be perfect. I have my own wounds. But I'm just trying to make sense out of a situation I truly don't really understand.

She completely changed. Lots of nasty comments, lots of underhand things she did. We went from having a perfectly lovely relationship where we would spend time together separately from the rest of the family/DH. To me becoming her arch nemesis. I really truly don't understand it myself. It's caused a lot of heartache for me and DH. I wanted to sort it out and talk, they weren't interested. They will never apologise for any of it so I give up. I tried for 2 years with the olive branches.

I have gone no contact, DH continues LC. But we are both of the opinion that if you can't respect someone's mother, you don't get a relationship with the child. Plus our DC is treated very differently to the other 1 DCG of a similar age and it is so obvious that they will notice it in a few years time.

But surely your child will be treated differently because they never see him/her? This is something that you could and perhaps should really think about. Is withholding grandparents from your child in their best interests? It's tough when family/parents fall out with their children or their children's partners but when a grandchild arrives, if the grandparents would be decent to the grandchild then I think it is in their best interests (the child's) to foster that interest and allow access.

I read threads like this often and think that the child is being used either as a weapon or as a possession. I don't think it's intentional, it comes from a place of hurt but for your child's sake - what is best for them?

…so she spent 6 weeks with her other GC, as she had to fly out to Australia to see them. Kinda makes sense that she was there for a longer time.

If baby is 6 months, you must only have been NC for a few weeks - did something go wrong on that visit, as your posts seem to suggest it went well (other that FIL not attending), why go NC after the visit ?

Trauma reverberates through generations, until someone says “enough”.

Why do you need to explain anything to them? All families are different.

Some kids have no grandparents, some kids have 8 grandparents (both sets of parents divorced then re-married). It doesn't really matter.

Children just don't think of things the same way

Paternal grandparents I saw regularly, until we moved 200 miles away and then just a few days in the holidays

Maternal grandparents. Grandmother died decades before I was born, mum was pretty NC with her dad, I met him once.

Was a complete non issue and had no bearing on my life. I know they existed and their names.

DD sees my parents everyday, her paternal grandparents a couple of times a year. It's a non issue. She understands we live far away from them and that they see her cousins who live down the road from the GPs more often just as she sees my parents all the time.

Yes, they don't make the effort to see our DC (they could have visited when i came from hospital if they wanted but they never asked). She visited once only.

The dynamics cause issues in my marriage and my DH does not want them upsetting me any further. He made the decision for NC between them & I. He expressed them to as please don't talk to my wife again and vice versa. I went no contact for 6 months and when I was 3/4 months I decided to extend an olive branch for DC and the games started again.

I feel as though I am protecting DC from toxicity/favouritism/odd family dynamics which I certainly was not protected from. I am the person that breaks my generational curses, I have felt the pain. I'm just seeking advice around how I will explain this to my DC. I don't want to say "oh grandma drove mummy insane"... DH thinks "they live far away" will do. I just wanted to see what others experiences were.

Fair enough. No explanation needed for your children really. "They live far away, we don't see them now". That's it.

I loath my ex sister in law but you wouldn't have known it. I made every effort to be polite and courteous and I have a good relationship with my niece and nephew. They are old enough now to decide who they want to see. I have no relationship at all with their mother and nor do I want one.

I think that if you've made the decision then deciding again to extend an olive branch was a waste of time. Just properly leave them alone and put them out of your head.