How to I explain to DC that they have no grandparents (even thought they're alive)?

[wishuponacloud21]

We have one DC who is under 6 months old. We only plan on having one.

My mum - she didn't raise me, very interested in drugs and men and having multiple children with different ones and not looking after them. I tried with her as an adult, she never changed

My dad - M.I.A he ran off and had another family and forgot about me

My in laws - had a great relationship with them until we got engaged and they turned very nasty towards me, mainly MIL. I have gone no contact, DH continues LC. But we are both of the opinion that if you can't respect someone's mother, you don't get a relationship with the child. Plus our DC is treated very differently to the other 1 DCG of a similar age and it is so obvious that they will notice it in a few years time.

I had the most amazing relationships with my grandparents- who all took turns raising me.

What do I say, and when, and how?

huh? you’re baby is 6 months.

how long ago did you go NC

it all sounds like a shit load of drama and i suspect this will continue . Your Dh even though LC will take his child to see his parents i suspect

If you used to have a great relationship with the in-laws, I'd try to work out what went wrong and if it's fixable, personally.

Wait until they ask then keep the answer minimal but true until they’re old enough to know more.

OP, kindly your child is 6 months old. You don't need to be worrying about this for years. You navigate it if your DC asks, I'd they ask when young keep it brief so it doesn't invite a lot of questions. If you don't make a big deal out of it, they won't.

You're over-thinking it.

I didn't have a relationship with my dad's parents and honestly it was just normal to me as I'd never known any different.

I'm NC with my dad, he spent a lot of time in jail. DS never asked until he was a bit older, and I told him the truth.

My dc have one grandparent on each side and it took years before it occurred to them to ask what happened to the others. We told them they’d sadly died and again it took a while before they started asking how etc.

and we’ve always both mentioned both of our parents on passing, never kept quiet about them.

They won't ask for a long while, and by then they'll understand that "you do have a nanny and granddad but they're mean." I wouldn't expand on that until much, much further on- no need to create villains out of them, because your DC will learn slowly about inherited attributes in other families as they get older, and that might get confusing.

Must be hard to raise your baby without family OP. Hope you're okay.

It probably won’t come up until about preschool and you just say you don’t know them really anymore x

Your DC will probably only ask in a few years, then just keep it short and factual. I was NC with my mother so just told young DC she wasn't a very nice person and we only hang out with people that are nice and kind. DC1 did ask for more detail around aged 11 and I told him an age appropriate version of the truth.

Unless they ask why would you need too?

I also think you are overthinking this. I’m NC with my mum and my exes parents both passed before I met him so no grandparents on either side. It doesn’t bother them as they’ve not known any difference. Lots of kids won’t have grandparents around.

Tapestree · Today 08:02

They won't ask for a long while, and by then they'll understand that "you do have a nanny and granddad but they're mean." I wouldn't expand on that until much, much further on- no need to create villains out of them

to be fair to a child ‘they’re mean’ creates a villain and unnecessary drama and questions. Sometimes family don’t keep in contact or we don’t know them, they’re not nearby etc changes the narrative

If your baby is six months and you're no contact, how can you compare how the baby is treated? They've hardly had a chance!

I think in the future you'll need to be honest and say you do have grandparents (dads parents) but I didnt want them to see you. Because if their dad is seeing them still then the baby will eventually know this.

It sounds like you are angry at ILs and wanting to bring your DC into the drama, even though they are 6m old and it's unnecessary.

Instead, step away from giving it headspace and focus on positives, your friends and your own grandparents. Stewing and escalating a situation will only make things worse, and you less happy.

Don't say they have mean grandparents! They will imagine some kind of villain who comes to snatch them in the night.
Agree with pp there are potential gps around you, see if over time that relationship is fixable (the whole "respect the mother" thing sounds very easterners Peggy). Another thing you can do is have other caring adults in their life - who did raise you Op? Any other relatives, or old family friends who could be part of the baby's life? God parents?

To be honest, I think unless you think that your DP’s parents will be terrible GP’s you might want to think about allowing your DC to build a nice relationship with them.

I actually have quite a tricky relationship with my own parents, but they are good grandparents. I facilitate a nice relationship between them and my DC because I want them to experience what I had as a child - lovely, involved grandparents.

more selfishly, I want my DC to grow up seeing involved GPs as the norm - I feel like it gives me more chance of having the same relationship with THEIR future DC (if they have them of course). As it is DC have four lovely, involved grandparents which is more important to me than using my DC as punishment to parents for not being very nice to me.

if you think they might not be very nice to your child, that’s a different matter, obviously.

Another one who thinks you don't need to give this any headspace. You have years before it comes up in conversation with your DC and by then circumstances may have changed, maybe you and the in-laws will be back on good terms. From my own experience, my DS was 8 before he realised he had a grandad he'd never seen when we were in conversation and he was mentioned. I'd never hidden it from him. We just don't often talk about a NC family member. We then told DS why we don't see him in a top line way and that was that all fine no drama.

You are just making stuff up. As the baby is under six months old, it is unlikely that OP has used the paternal grandparents for childcare.

good point

My daughter has never asked. I've mentioned the grandparents in passing a few times for a few reasons, some in ear shot, the general thing is "they're not good people". She's just about to turn 10 and it hasn't bothered her in the slightest.

How us your child treated my differently? Surely if the grandparents are not allowed to see the baby, that will be why?

Your relationship with them is seperate to your DH’s and DC’s relationship with them. Keep reminding yourself of this. Rinse. Repeat. Otherwise you’ll end up leaving him with no extended family and as you know that’s not a great thing. If worried about mil talking you down make DH supervise any contact.

This^
and by the time of their question you might have a simple obvious answer.