How to I explain to DC that they have no grandparents (even thought they're alive)?

[wishuponacloud21]

We have one DC who is under 6 months old. We only plan on having one.

My mum - she didn't raise me, very interested in drugs and men and having multiple children with different ones and not looking after them. I tried with her as an adult, she never changed

My dad - M.I.A he ran off and had another family and forgot about me

My in laws - had a great relationship with them until we got engaged and they turned very nasty towards me, mainly MIL. I have gone no contact, DH continues LC. But we are both of the opinion that if you can't respect someone's mother, you don't get a relationship with the child. Plus our DC is treated very differently to the other 1 DCG of a similar age and it is so obvious that they will notice it in a few years time.

I had the most amazing relationships with my grandparents- who all took turns raising me.

What do I say, and when, and how?

But we are both of the opinion that if you can't respect someone's mother, you don't get a relationship with the child

I agree that this sounds very EastEnders. My mum and her mother had a very poor relationship, but her parents were wonderful grandparents to us, and even my mum recognised that. Very rarely did she let her own issues with her mum affect our time with them. My brother and I (in our 60s now) still share good memories of time with our grandparents.

If you had a good relationship before, they can't be so terrible that it's worth your child missing out on grandparents.

I'm NC from one parent, when DC asked about them I just said that she wasn't a very nice person and not everyone's cut out to be a parent. They'll sometimes ask something out of nowhere about her and I answer honestly but in an age appropriate way. I can't remember at what age it first came up, but I think eldest might have been around 4. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

I’m in this situation, but my children are older. I just say they weren’t very nice to mummy and daddy (the truth), so we don’t see them. It’s just normal to them, they don’t really care. They never ask about the “grandparents”.

Children are only interested in the people they spend time with IME.

But we are both of the opinion that if you can't respect someone's mother, you don't get a relationship with the child.
My ex ILs certainly don't respect me and see SIL kids a lot more, but they still love their grand kids and it's good for my DC to have them in their lives. Them not respecting me is neither here nor there.

But some people are mean- you can’t hide that from children.

My DS knows we don’t see one set of grandparents because they weren’t good parents and they are homophobic.

No drama/fall outs etc- if they turned up at the door they would be invited in for a brew and an awkward chat for 10 minutes, but they won’t and we won’t at theirs, so there is no contact.

Never the less they are what they are and it hasn’t done DS any harm to know it.

Children won't really think about it that much. They might ask some questions as they get older, but what they know is normal, they tend to accept. I've never known my grandparents and there was no falling out. It was just how it was.

Thank you for this comment.
I would never ask them (or anyone else) to care for my child and never have. My DH and I have already planned for one of us to stay at home until they go to school. Plus they moved 200 miles away so wouldn't be around to help even if we did all get on (which I very much wish we did)!

Thank you for all of your replies

Yes maybe I am over thinking it and being driven by postpartum anxiety.

I never want to bad mouth anyone to them, they still created my DH.

Eastenders? Obviously there's a big back story. They have treated me horribly for simply marrying a man I had been with for 7 years.

MIL (FIL chose to sit in the pub) has met the baby but it took her 7 weeks to visit whereas other DGC was visited way earlier and they are on the other side of the world. She spent 4 hours with ours and 6 weeks with the other. Hard to capture in a post but there's been some obvious differences already.

Maybe DC won't ask for many years, but it's something I would like to be prepared for.

Both on mine and Dhs side we had estranged family.

My dad used to just say they weren't nice people and they aren't in our lives- I totally accepted that

It's not as simple as I don't want them to see DC. My DH doesn't really see them either, LC means a WhatsApp or the odd call. He just wouldn't go and see them, not because he can't, he just wouldn't after all that has happened.
If they can switch on me after 7 years, what means they won't do that to my DC who is the spitting image of me?

You’ve had some weird responses.

My parents are dead and my in-laws turned nuts when I got pregnant. We tried with them but it all came to a head just before DS’ first birthday; and we’ve had nothing to do with the since. DH is very low contact in that he’ll send a text on their birthdays but has been to see them once.

DS is nearly three and knows other people have grandparents, because they come to groups or have childcare days with them. He’s never asked about his. he may this week, as nursery are teaching about family trees… I suspect we’ll just say that we don’t see them when he does. Children are quite accepting. Down the line he’ll probably want more information but they’re in their 70s and DH hopes they will one day be reasonable and sorry for what they did; and we can make some amends. I can’t see it; but there we go. I’m pregnant again and they don’t even know.

I really wouldn’t worry about this right now. Even if things don’t change, it won’t be as bad as you’re envisioning. Your child will accept what you tell them, so you’re in control of the narrative. You can just present it for what it is - some people have grandparents: you do too but we don’t see them. They are far more likely to respond and ask if octopuses have grandparents than to question it, in my experience.

they are on the other side of the world. She spent 4 hours with ours and 6 weeks with the others

Well of course she did! You can't go to the other side of the world for four hours! Presumably they'd booked flights well beforehand to tie in with the birth, which is understandable. There's no need to do that for a birth in this country.

I get that you feel they're not as bothered, but your 'evidence' is really not very logical!

If you don't see the difference in spending 4 hours when you can be bothered or planning months in advance and spending all day, every day with someone for 6 weeks then 🤷‍♀️

Thank you so much for your response. Really helpful :)

Under the age of 4 (when kids develop autobiographical memory) your child will never know any different to the experience they have now. When they get older and if they ask, offer an age appropriate (but truthful) explanation. Life isn't a Disney movie and it's important for kids to be prepared for complicated dynamics in life.

My experience is that children don't miss the grandparent relationship that they've never had and aren't really that curious about relatives they don't see.

We don't have any contact (their choice) with one set of gps. One dc met his paternal grandmother for half an hour by accident when we were meeting other relatives and she happened to be there. He was only 4 and has no memory of it.

Occasionally dh will talk about his childhood and obviously mentions his parents as part of that, but he will say "my dad" and if dc's have a question they'll talk about "your dad".

Once when he was asked outright why we didn't see them, he just said that they weren't very nice people, but mostly we're pretty neutral about the whole thing and tbh it doesn't really ever come up because they play no part in our lives.

Dh was very close to his own grandparents and talks about them a lot, so the dcs still have knowledge and a sense of their own wider family history.

I don’t see my dad, and my son will never meet him and my husband and I have agreed that we won’t bring him up to our son but that if DS asks, we’ll simply say we don’t see him because he isn’t a very nice man. I think the fact my dad sees my brothers children may well cause some issues down the line as he works out they see their grandad who’s also his grandad but he doesn’t, but we’ll cross that bridge if and when we come to it!
My situation is different as we have other, involved grandparents, but I thought it may help anyway.
FWIW I think it’s sensible to have discussed this early on, before your baby is old enough that they do start asking, so no one is put on the spot. Obviously as time goes on, the situation may change, and you can revisit your ‘strategy’ then, but overall I definitely think being prepared is a good thing.

Children have a huge dose of main-character-syndrome and assume their own situation is the default for everyone. You don't need to explain anything to your DC. Whatever they are used to will seem normal to them.

I would imagine that your in laws expected to be able to see your baby more frequently being closer by, so didn't feel the same need for a long visit. And im guessing their other grandchild was born to their daughter - perhaps the long visit was not only to the grandchild but also to help their own daughter who had just given birth. Im sure they care about you but you are not their daughter, and your husband has not just given birth. They may have waited to visit you because an awful lot of new mums these days are adamant family must not expect to visit for a few weeks - they probably didn't want to intrude.
To be honest you sound hard work, and determined to be offended and decide things 'aren't fair'. Its a bit childish and none of this is enough to cut contact with your childs grandparents

So...by your logic....they should come to stay with you for six weeks and spent all day every day with you. Would you have liked that or thought it was massively inappropriate and overbearing?

A four hour visit to meet their grandchild sounds appropriate to me.

I really think you and DH have a duty to your child to at least try and facilitate a relationship with his parents. If it doesn’t work out at least you can say you tried.

I also think your DC will take whatever your situation is in their stride. They won’t know any different.

It is hard to say too much more because some of the things you are saying regarding your in-laws are a bit confusing. You said the MIL only visited the baby for 4 hours, but it sounds like this is because there has been a falling out so it wouldn’t have been appropriate for her to stay much longer. Obviously if she gets on well with her other children the time spent with grandchildren will be more, although I’m not sure most people would want a 6 week visit!

FIL sat in the pub up the road whilst MIL visited.

They do not live close by. They have made no other offer to see our DC or asked.

I think 4 hours and 6 weeks are substantially different in creating a relationship but maybe that's just what I would offer to my children if I had multiple - would be the same, offer being the primary word.

So you would have liked them to come and stay for 6 weeks?
But you want to go no contact?

I may sound hard work. I'm genuinely not. Protective over my DC maybe, maybe more than most because of my own trauma. But I think DGC should be treated equally. Both have 2 loving parents, nice homes etc it's not like one is disadvantaged and therefore needs 'more' of anything.

I don't want to go into the back story of how I ended up in hospital for 5 weeks after putting up with her trying to ruin our relationship for 2 years as this isn't about that. But even letting her meet the baby was so difficult and I sucked up my own feelings for it. I have tried to sort things out with them twice and they deny any accountability for any of their behaviour.