Am at a loss to how to deal with 13 yo stealing

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My dd2 is 13 and I have no clue how to deal with her. I have tried everything, reminding her, telling her off, explaining to her why its not right, all to no effect. Grounding is nothing because she rarely goes out with friends, and its impossible to remove her phone.

She is really rude, like insulting and hurling personal attacks at her 16yo sister and me. Every night when we have dinner I get called a useless cook and she criticises everything I cook and refuses to finish her food.

The thing that bothers us most is she has the habit of stealing from her sister and I. She uses dd1's perfume without permission and she messes with her stuff. I strongly suspect she has stolen my money before and she definitely steals my skin care and make up from my wardrobe. I have no clue how to deal with her

Is she worse around the time of her period? My daughter changed completely after her periods started - it was scary how a loving girl could change into one who hated me. It was a tremendous shock for me and I'm sure it was for her, too.

I think if your husband is away from home for 9 months a year he doesn't have the right to stop you arranging counselling for your daughter. He isn't there to witness what's going on and frankly doesn't have to put up with it.

How is your daughter in school?

It's relatively easy to keep things safe - you can buy a safe for each of you and you could get locks on the bedroom doors - you could have a key to your elder daughter's room.

Her attitude is much more worrying. She doesn't sound happy - that's not to say you haven't tried to give her a happy home, but maybe hormonally she's a mess and feeling everything so much stronger than usual. I would speak to my doctor about her and see whether they could make any suggestions.

You need to sit down with dd2 and say ‘when your behaviour is x or you choose to do y’ this is being disrespectful. As your parent, I can’t allow you to treat me or your sister like this so there will be consequences. These will be….
You might have a bad reaction to this, but it will still be happening. The longer it goes on, the longer the consequence lasts.

i agree with the counselling and seeing the GP too. If period related, ask about Eloine pill

I honestly think that you need to put the option of a private counsellor to your DH again, this time more forcefully, really emphasising how you are at a loss as to how to discipline DD2 and telling him that all your attempts haven’t worked and she is entirely resistant. She is violent, aggressive and abusive at times so you know that the poor girl is suffering….crying out for help.

If your DH is away a lot, he isn’t at the coal face of the problem at all OP. It’s sad that you have to agonise over possible solutions and rule the obvious ones out for lack of funds or because your DH doesn’t agree with them.
You have to overcome this somehow.

DD2 is terrorising the household with her lack of regard and respect for you and her sister and the longer this is habit forming the harder it will be to help her.

Your DD1 deserves a private space and you must do all you can to ensure she gets it asap.

If a final heart to heart with both girls doesn’t work, then I would have no hesitation in buying a lock out of Dd2’s pocket money as a consequence which will solve the problem of her being able to use DD1’s stuff. Tell your husband afterwards instead of seeking his agreement. He is no position to agree or disagree. It’s time to act on your own initiative.

To echo what some other posters have mentioned - if it’s got to the point that other parents have mentioned to you that she’s mean to other students then she must be REALLY mean at school. It would take extremely bad behaviour for me to be moved to comment to the parent of another child.

I knew a girl like this, growing up. A shoplifter. Absent shit father was the common denominator. Grew into a very entitled, manipulative person.

As pp has said, the other parent in this situation needs to step up and act, and show an interest in his daughters.

Require him to do so, OP. Ask him straight, does he want to be involved in their parenting or not? If he says yes, then ask him for his better solution to this behaviour as parenting is 50-50, 365 days a year x 18, not fuck off for months and delegate the hard parts.

If he refuses, you can ignore him and you lay down the law with your younger daughter, starting with cancelling of her phone contract and WiFi restrictions.

Are you scared of him, OP?

OP - I mean this constructively but I’ve read all of your posts and you don’t seem to understand your daughter at all. Her behaviour is literally screaming for attention, she’s clearly angry and unhappy, teenagers experience emotions very intensely and she is really really struggling.

I asked you if you ever do anything nice together and what her strengths were and you said you sometimes talk nicely and she does a few extra curricular activities. If this is all you can come up with then no wonder she you feel you don’t understand her and it’s likely she doesn’t feel undervalued or understood. I know teenagers are bloody difficult but she must have strengths, interests and passions which you could nurture and her her to feel happier and more connected to you as her family.

Therapy would really help you understand each other and you should consider doing this even if their father disagrees. Understanding how you are all beholden to an absent man could even be helpful to explore in therapy. There’s part of me that’s concerned about why he is opposed to therapy - what is he worried about?

Bad behaviour isn't always because of poor mental health and being unhappy.

She sounds like a spoilt brat to me, who has learnt that if she kicks off and is aggressive there at no consequences.

The op doesn't want to be physically hurt nor does she want her home and possessions destroyed.

I would cancel the phone contract for a start.

How am I supposed to effectively stop her?

I'd say try any of the excellent suggestions on here, except it seems you won't consider them, so she's probably thoroughly insecure because of the lack of boundaries

If you don't want a lock on the door at least get a cheap strongbox for your other DD's more treasured items, and get her phone off her right now ... if she won't give it I'm pretty sure you can disable it using the parental controls on your own

This. I'm finding the op's replies really frustrating with almost no attempt to be constructive and find a solution. My dd has driven me to the brink in her 7 years, but I could write a book on all her amazing strengths. I'm sad that two parents are so distant from their daughter, regardless of what is behind the bad behaviour.

Instead of taking her phone remove all the phone chargers from her access.... eventually the phone will go dead and she will need a charger.

Does she drink energy drinks or coffee? My 16 year old loses his shit if he drinks either. Like literally a fully different person with a terrible anger.

What discipline do you use? What discipline have you used in the past?

Sounds like shes seekingbattention and any type of attention will do. How are her relationships at school? Have you had some individual time with her? Sounds like she might want to tell you stuff but feels she can't, maybe gor her own reasons.
My dd has been badly bullied. I didn't know anything about it until after an argument it all came out. The argument wasn't anything to do with the bullying buy it gave her the momentband it all spilled out.
Just a thought.

By 'she has everything' do you mean materialistically? Because that doesn't equal happiness. Maybe she is being bullied at school, doesn't feel listened to by teachers, hormones are raging. She is 13 it's a difficult time, some handle it better than others. Try setting some boundaries, take her phone off of her for a start, she'll kick off but you'll just have to stick to your guns. Get a lockable cabinet for your 16yr old to put her belongings in and get a lock for your room. I'm afraid it's going to have to be a case of tough love and maybe some counselling for all of you.

Put a lock on the rooms you don't want her to gain access to.

It's always interesting when someone posts saying they're at a loss and they need help, and then nopes everything everyone says.

There’s this thing called a key which you could have access too as well as your 16 yo. Lock everything where she steals from.

I think this is why she needs counselling. Those are not normal reactions from a teen. Slamming doors. Arguing back etc are quite normal. Physical fighting and destruction of property are not normal. She isn’t in control of her actions, her anger seems to be heightened.
Having everything she ever wanted won’t make a difference if there’s something else going on. With teens it’s an endless list of possibilities, sexuality, bullying, hormones, SEN, social media, drugs, friendship issues. She needs to learn to control her emotions but she needs to understand them first and pinpoint the cause ur triggers. Therapy can be wonderful, you just have to find the right therapist that can connect with your daughter.

This is the strangest thread I’ve seen in a while. OP, you seem to be unable to consider any of the advice being given. Some of it excellent.
It almost feels as if you have decided she’s a bad kid and that’s it. People have offered so much good advice but it’s been brushed off.
She’s 13, dad is hardly around- the chance of this not having an impact on her is minimal. She likely won’t admit it as you know teenagers tend not to admit needing their parents but I am 100% certain it will bother her.
It Reads to me like a very unhappy child and I think you need to take action now. Start considering some of the advice given instead of shutting it down with excuses why you can’t. Your daughter needs you!

Also if she puts her phone away at night, go in there, take it and tell her that she will not get it back until the behaviour improves.

Turn off the wifi and change the password to something she doesn’t know.

Lock away your belongings and your DD’s belongings.

Be calm but firm around her. Walk away from aggression and violence but tell her if it continues you will need to get the police involved.

Get NHS counselling. Your DH doesn’t even live there if he’s only there 3 months a year. Tell him to fuck off if he objects.

Go back to work. This sounds like a car crash waiting to happen so get yourself financially secure. It will raise your confidence in other areas too.

Why don’t you work? I get the feeling you’re in a 1950s housewife role to a dominant man who works away. Sahm
is surely not applicable when you have older children like this so where’s your independence? Is she trying to get you to react? Get strong feelings from you? Acting out anger she sees in her Dad?

If you wanted one you can get a lock with 2 keys (one for each of you) or a combo lock

I am not sure it’s the answer though

agree with others this is a bizarre thread.

the fact you “can’t” confiscate a child’s phone that you pay for… is just 😵‍💫🥴

You need a two pronged approach. Firm boundaries and consequences, with a bit of love bombing and positive attention in calm moments. Stay calm and consistent.
Tell her you are enforcing boundaries because you love her and want her to be a happy and productive member of society and that’s what a good parent does, not because you are being mean and want to make her unhappy, Tell her she might not think you are doing your best for her at the moment but you really are doing it because you love her. And you want to be that good parent so from now on things are changing. Boundaries are being enforced. Consequences will happen and then she’ll need to earn back her privileges.

She needs to spend a likkle time with a real african mum and she'll be back to factory settings!

Try doing something nice together - maybe something or somewhere she suggests. Time away from the house and her sister. Engage with her in a more relaxed environment. Try and build understanding and co-operation.

How is she at school? Have you spoken to teachers?

Try and control her internet access, especially at night. There is tech available for this.

If she refuses to engage explain that her behaviour is frightening you and you may have to seek professional help for her and violence can only lead to police and/or psychiatric intervention. If it comes to that - stick to it - no empty threats.

As for your husband - next time he is home, leave him in charge for a few days and take yourself off to a spa or somewhere for a break. He is having it far too easy.