To ask if savings are shared when you share finances otherwise

[doodlydooo]

EDIT: Title should read "To ask if savings are shared when you share finances"

I am a SAHM following birth of DC (who is 1.5years) ie. I have not been working for 1.5 years (I received SMP only). Have been married 4 years. DH's salary comes into joint account. We have a joint savings account from which money is transferred from the joint account. This joint account was set up when DC was born. Before that the money I earned went into my account and the money DH earned went into his. DH has savings of £250k (from before we married) and it is understood that this is essentially a deposit for our future home. I had very minimal savings when we married and that is really all gone now (mostly spent on wedding). I have always been a much lower earner than DH. I went through an academic route and only really started making £30+k after the age of 30 (I am now 34). DH has a city job and is 10 years older than me.

Tonight DH mentioned he was setting up a premium bonds account to transfer some of his savings. After clarifying which savings he meant (he meant his savings before marriage) I said, isn't that something we should discuss together? He said, ok, I'm putting some of my savings into a premium bond account. Is it unreasonable of me to think I should have a say in what happens to the savings? Up until tonight I was under the impression I should as I assumed that's what joint finances are.

Thanks in advance.

why are u upset its not your money?

Interesting question. I guess you would be entitled to 50% if you split up but I can see that he might feel that it is his money as he saved it before you met.

I wouldn't have phrased it like that but I can see how it has come across.. I think it's because we agreed it's earmarked for something for us as a family ie. a future home. It's something i cannot contribute to given I don't earn anymore and so I suppose I feel very dependent on it.

still doesnt make sense. He's putting them into premium bonds which is a smarter way to keep the money. He's not spending it on a motorbike. And even if he was... its his money.

Do you want to feel in control? Do you feel vulnerable? Wanting control of someone else's money isn't going to make you feel how you want to feel. Maybe you need to look at getting a job again.

The money will only become yours if you get divorced. Even then, im not sure how much you'd get.

No that's not at all what I want. I don't want a divorce and I don't want control.

I appreciate premium bonds is a sensible thing but I just imagined I would know what was planned for that money.

And yes, I think I do feel vulnerable. I feel like I am ultimately completely dependent on DH for money and my financial future.

dh And I discuss big financial
decisions. So yes, I would expect a conversation. If we are moving money around, we also take care to make sure it goes into both names in cases where the accounts don’t have two names on them .

so in this case, I might say, yes it’s a good time to make that kind of investment. How much do you think we should put in each of our names?

Oh wow. I feel like that would be too bold to assume it would be an account solely in my name and that I really would need a conversation about that first.

That would be insane. He came into the marriage with his money. Asking him to split it is absurd. If I was him I'd be confused, and a little shocked at the request.

The OP, justifiably, wants to feel less at the mercy of a man and his money. The way to do that is not control HIS money, but make your own. You trained as a dr op? Have you looked into consultancy? Lots of money there for medics and you can pick and choose your projects and timelines.

No, academic research. A PhD.

Ah yeah, I'm in that field. I'm also hoping to go into consultancy. I knew a guy who quit his teaching post to work in a cafe. Same pay. Whats your field?

Medical research

No, but that's for tax reasons only.

In which case, it is probably time to go back to work.

What does he say when you tell him you're feeling vulnerable?

We share everything. Savings, investments, bonds, money, everything. Including savings DH had before he met me.

My friend has been married 15yrs and her DH saves money in his name and she has zero control over it. I personally wouldn’t class that money as mine as it was saved before we met. Premium bonds don’t stop the money being accessed and he’s probably doing it for tax purposes. So I don’t think he needed to consult you no.

Agree with PP that this seems to be a broader issue - it's not really about how he phrased it. It's that you feel vulnerable because you're entirely dependent on him for money. But unless you have lots of your own savings yourself to fall back on if needed (which you don't), that's the risk of being SAHM.

I'd say get back to work. Make your own money so that you don't have to worry about vulnerability of finances.

I don't think so really, we share finances but DH has his own savings and I have mine, when I didn't earn anything on mat leave he continued to add to mine. We do also have joint savings though.

His mum was absolutely screwed over by his dad, and if mattered to him I have a a pot of money that is solely my own and that he does too- just in case..

It’s a waste of time and inefficient not to use your isa allowance annually.

assuming the marriage is good saving should go there before a savings account

We share all money but both have savings in our own name, ISAs and the like. Mkre savings in my name for tax reason (I earn less than DH), which would surely be sensible in your household. Depending how it's invested, if your DH has £250k earning 4% he'll earn £20k interest and be taxed on £9k. If some was in your name you wouldn't be taxed.

£10k interest, not £20. Wishful thinking 😂

We share all our income and savings. We each have PB money but discuss what to do with our money jointly and never make financial decisions, either short term or long term, without discussing and agreeing.

Then again, neither of us came into the marriage with £250k in the bank in our name alone.

I think there are two very different questions at play - the first being about savings before you got married and the second being savings after you married. I don’t think you should really have rights over savings he had before you were married (although I know they would be taken into consideration if you divorced). You didn’t contribute to them. If he was planning something stupid that would impact your family long term then that’s a different discussion; but he’s doing something sensible (presumably for tax purposes) and it’s his money.

Savings saved from joint income during the marriage is different.

@Gorgonemilezola presumably a lot of it will be in ISAs if saved over a long period, and he is now moving more to PB to save tax again.

You feel vulnerable because you are vulnerable. The only way to change this is to get your own income OP.