To ask if savings are shared when you share finances otherwise

[doodlydooo]

EDIT: Title should read "To ask if savings are shared when you share finances"

I am a SAHM following birth of DC (who is 1.5years) ie. I have not been working for 1.5 years (I received SMP only). Have been married 4 years. DH's salary comes into joint account. We have a joint savings account from which money is transferred from the joint account. This joint account was set up when DC was born. Before that the money I earned went into my account and the money DH earned went into his. DH has savings of £250k (from before we married) and it is understood that this is essentially a deposit for our future home. I had very minimal savings when we married and that is really all gone now (mostly spent on wedding). I have always been a much lower earner than DH. I went through an academic route and only really started making £30+k after the age of 30 (I am now 34). DH has a city job and is 10 years older than me.

Tonight DH mentioned he was setting up a premium bonds account to transfer some of his savings. After clarifying which savings he meant (he meant his savings before marriage) I said, isn't that something we should discuss together? He said, ok, I'm putting some of my savings into a premium bond account. Is it unreasonable of me to think I should have a say in what happens to the savings? Up until tonight I was under the impression I should as I assumed that's what joint finances are.

Thanks in advance.

With a deposit of £250k why has a house not been bought?
Also, why has your savings being depleted by the wedding and may leave when he is very wealthy?
You're in a vulnerable position.

Never did shared accounts, yet everything is shared. Just this is how we are ( morally dedicated to the marriage ) and when one has less, the other tops us etc ....if I stop working as I was home stay for many years, the amount I have in my account will drop but my lifestyle will be absolutely the same with the money he receives as salary. We are a tight nit unit and are always together anyway so it does not bother me or him what we spend on if we are out and about by ourselves - it works for us

When I met him, I had nothing. He just took me in and started taking care for all my needs and even taking pride in sending me to courses, hairdressers, do you want a new dress. If you have found the right man who loves you, you did. If have found non husband material man who sees you as a convenience to use and do what he wants from you without considering the totality of your person and humanity, it is a choice: pick your battles and accept what you are given or go

Wow. I wouldn’t be a SAHM with a husband who thinks it’s acceptable to speak to me like that. He may well think he has more say in what happens to the money, but the attitude he gave you is unacceptable. He can speak to you like you are an adult who 1) has a shared, vested interest in your joint future and 2) like you are a valuable member of your partnership who saves a significant amount on childcare.

I would go back to work and get some financial independence from him.

That's because you are, which was the choice you made when you became a SAHM

In answer to your original question, I wouldn't consider those savings shared as he had them before you met, I would consider savings made since you started sharing finances to be shared though

You chose to become a STAHM and also go down a relatively low paid academic route. On his wage you could easily afford childcare to enable you to work. But you are receiving the benefit of being home with your child. His money was earned before marriage...that being said why did your savings go on the wedding?

For us, yes. Everything we have is ours. Everything we had when we married became ours.

But everyone's different. What matters is both parties are happy with the arrangement. You're not. So it needs discussing, then you can decide how you feel and what to do

I honestly couldn't imagine being in a marriage where DH considered his money just his, especially when my earning potential was affected by having children with him.

I had more savings than DH when we got together, but I considered them ours. I still have more savings than him (we keep our own bank accts) and still consider them ours.

We're a partnership, through good times and bad and this includes finances. So yeah, in your situation I absolutely would expect it to be a joint discussion about what is done with the money.

You are dependent on him for money and that makes you feel vulnerable. Well yes you are. Make a change, get a job.

Not all couples agree but to me money saved before marriage belongs to that person not the couple.

Dh and don't have any joint accounts. We earn similar amounts though. Works for us and I wouldn't want it any other way. With that much money are yous saving into a pension for you? Have you both opened LisA's? Good for saving for a home and for you if you don't have a pension.

Those were also my questions!

DH and I have always viewed our savings as joint, but it's a different situation as we had nothing when we met and neither of us have ever been a SAHP. But whatever our arrangements, I'd be expecting to discuss finances properly and have an equitable arrangement. And I'd not be a SAHP without full financial disclosure of everything.

I think the real question is this -

‘DH I need you to stop for a moment and think about what I’m doing for ‘us’. SAHP is a privilege in some ways but it is also a statement that you are willing to make yourself financially vulnerable and in a dependent position. Think about whether you would ever do it, or want to… and if you did, how much of it would depend, quite crucially, on the level of trust between us.

You know I recognise that that money is ethically ‘yours’ but you also know that once we married and ESPECIALLY once I became SAHP then that money became a grey area. How grey that area is depends on you. It has been acknowledged between us that it is for a jointly owned home. So this may be semantics but it doesn’t feel like it, and when so much depends on the trust I’ve just referrred to, feelings matter.

in a nutshell - doing something like moving those savings without even acknowledging, even out of politeness, that it would be a good, team-spirit thing to talk to me about it (better still, ask if I agree and if not why not) undermines our deal. It gives me a little chill that I’m placing financial trust in you, but deep down you’re thinking ‘mine/hers’.

If too much of that happens, if my trust in what the real deal is here is eroded, I’m not saying I’ll blame or attack you… but I’ll just not be able to be SAHP any more and we’ll have to do it all differently.’

… and yes maybe the first thing I’d be saying here is that you would like some of that 250K moved into your own savings to cover at least 50% of the wedding costs!!

that in itself might say more than you realise.

To be clear there are so many different jobs in The City. I work in the City as do many others I know but many have zero investing knowledge and experience.

@doodlydooo did your husband want you to be a SAHM? Did you specifically want to be a SAHM? Did you talk about what would happen to your NI contributions and how you would be able to build up a private pension also? Given he obviously places a lot of importance on savings did the 2 of you talk at all about how you could have savings in your name? Does he place any value on the work you do as a SAHM? Does he parent? Does he do a fair share of housework? Cooking? Mental load? Does he have time with your child so you get a break?

Why have you used your savings for your wedding when your DH has 250k locked away?

We share everything but to be fair neither of us had anything to speak of when we got together

Yes, assumption from my side.
That he knows what he is doing is of vital importance here, whether is by himself or sound advice from others.

Do you rent at the moment ? How much of deposit do you need to buy ? 250k would buy a house outright in some areas of the country

To answer the questions:

• DH is supportive with whether I choose to work or not. Initially I thought I would return to work but after maternity leave anxiety and PND meant I really couldn't face it. I am having therapy for it.
• I have full control of the joint account and spend on anything I want/need. DH never makes me feel bad about it.
• I do still feel vulnerable though. And I think maybe that is just what I am like. One of my anxieties/triggers is not having enough money and I often think about what old age will look like.
• We are not currently renting. We own the house we're in right now but it isn't our forever home. We bought it while I was pregnant to be nearer to my family and it was something I really pushed for and we still hoped we would buy our dream home when we found it and so some of DH's savings stayed and didn't go on the deposit. We're in London so £250k will not buy a house outright.
• DH also spent money on the wedding. A lot more than I did. I just didn't have a lot to begin with (£5k) and it disappeared very quickly when the wedding was being organised.
• Since becoming a SAHM I don't have a private pension or any contributions towards NI. I am aware I need to look into the private pension but I don't know what the comment about NI was referring to so I'll do some research into that.
• I do know what all of DH's non-joint account savings are and I can access them via his app if I want. As far as I am aware, I know what all his savings etc are.

I told DH how I felt. He said sorry for how he spoke and it wasn't his intention and it might have just been because he was sleepy. He said that it was of course mine too and he didn't mean to make me feel like that. He also reminded me that it was I who had told him to move some to premium bonds but he just hadn't got round to it. I vaguely remember a late night conversation about it a couple of months ago.

Sounds like he is very reasonable and perhaps it is anxiety.
Do consider returning to work when you feel better.
Perhaps see your GP again.

Generally, if we have any savings then they are joint and usually we have a specific thing we need to save for or are trying to build a safety net.

However, if for example I get a bit of birthday money then I’ll pop that it may own savings to keep it to one side until I decide what to treat myself to. I may end up deciding to put it in the family pot if I don’t want or need anything.
DH is the same - he may be saving for something (usually his next tattoo) just for himself but otherwise it would be joint savings for a joint goal.

@doodlydooo the NI contribution comment I made was because when you get to State pension age you will need to have paid enough years of contributions to actually get the full pension

I can't help feeling that a woman who brought £250k into the marriage and was supporting a man with no savings to study and then be a SAHP, would get a different set of responses if her DH complained at her making a decision about moving her money.

But I'm glad all was resolved, OP.

And the years you spend as a SAHM are credited to your pension record and count towards your pension.

@doodlydooo he sounds a keeper to me. FWIW when we married over 30 years ago, I had the money and worked in the City. We also had a pre-nup setting out what was mine before marriage and securing my equity. Within a few years dh's career had taken off and it was all irrelevant but we have always maintained separate finances and have never had a joint account. There have been a few episodes of no consultation but they are largely irrelevant because the money spent was "spare" money. A prime example being the wanky mid life sports car!

Finances are different for every couple and as long as you have enough and nothing is withheld I don't see a problem. It's one thing to not be able to have a new frock because there's more month than money; quite another because a man thinks yio should make do and darn because he's tight.

Ultimately I went back to work because I wanted earnt pennies jangling in my pocket.

I'd get back to.work as soon as you are well, particularly as an academic career works pretty well around DC. Great that you are in medical research and not the Humanities in the current climate. I think you need to get a few papers out if you want a substantive lecturing post though.

I would not agree to be a SAHP unless it was also agreed I had full and equal say over and access to all finances. If I was being asked to give up my career, and my financial independence for the 'good of the family' to do the unpaid work, compromising my future and choices, that would be a basic requirement. Otherwise I stay in my job and my partner contributes equally in every way to the domestic & childcare responsibilities- child sick days, mental organisational load etc with all costs shared proportionate to income. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for resentment and inequity. Both roles equally valued and true partnership is the only way it works.