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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider ignoring infidelity for the sake of the kids?

97 replies

Dogsarebetterthanmen · 16/09/2024 18:09

Is pretending you don’t know about a Dh’s infidelity ‘for the sake of the kids’ ever the right choice? If you’ve either forgiven infidelity or just ignored it, how did it work out for you? Did you/do you regret it? Were you ever happy again in the marriage?

I can’t see how I’ll ever trust DH again and despise him and the fact that he’s done this to me (well, to all of us) but also can’t bear the thought of the disruption and heartbreak I know a divorce would bring to the kids. I feel sick at either thought.

We’ve been married so long. I keep wondering if, if I just pretend I don’t know, will I gradually forget about it over time? Would living like that be less or more painful than a messy divorce? Or will I just fester with resentment?

I feel so lost. I just want to wind back time and change this awful, horrible situation somehow.

OP posts:
Ivehearditbothways · 16/09/2024 18:11

For me, it’s over. Out they go. I didn’t stay for the kids. They cheat, even a one nighter, then it’s over.

But I guess… some women put up with if. He will do it again. Just be prepared for that.

pinkstripeycat · 16/09/2024 18:12

Agree with Ivehearditbothways

MobMoll · 16/09/2024 18:14

You do not have to end a marriage over infidelity, but I don’t think it should be ignored. If it was a one off (or an affair) and it’s over and done with you can eventually emotionally get over it. If he’s a serial cheater that won’t change unfortunately.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Is he showing any remorse?

SikhiTryer · 16/09/2024 18:14

Would you consider confronting him and working through it? I know it’s not an appealing thought but people do manage to do this and it will give you a firmer foundation than pretending not to know. I think if you pretend it will always be there and it will fester.

Isseywith3witchycats · 16/09/2024 18:15

Believe me every time he goes out of the door, if he's late home from work, goes to work late, goes somewhere without you, you will wonder wether he can be trusted, you will use every way of looking at his phone, it will eat at you like it did me and even trying to make it work it didn't, and after me letting it go the first time this gave him implied permission to do it again , second time out he went

BananaGrapeMelon · 16/09/2024 18:15

I don't think ignoring it or trying to forget it will work. That doesn't mean you have to divorce but I think you need to deal with it openly via counselling, not just sweep it under the carpet.

hooooop · 16/09/2024 18:15

How old are you and these. Could you afford to live alone? It's not always black and white when making this type of decision.

If I was younger and could afford to, I'd leave. If I was older I'd probably but very much live my own life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2024 18:16

If it’s still going on how sure are you he’s planning to stay with you or is there a chance he might leave for her?

soscarlet · 16/09/2024 18:17

You can’t put the responsibility for your marriage onto your children, it’s not fair. Personally I’d chuck him.

Beezknees · 16/09/2024 18:18

My dad cheated on my mum and they divorced when I was young. I'd have felt terrible if she put up with it "for me" and honestly I have far more respect for her for getting herself out of it than I would if she had stayed.

shellyleppard · 16/09/2024 18:18

How old are your children?? Personally I would not stay in a relationship where the other person cheated. I would be so angry every time I looked at them. If the children are very small him a breakup might be easier. However.....if they are old enough to notice the argument/tension/atmosphere then its more difficult

LostTheMarble · 16/09/2024 18:18

You will never trust him again, you’ll likely resent him forever and staying with him will be a punishment for you as much as for him. And the kids will absolutely pick up on it. Is it worth it? He ended the relationship the moment he cheated, he showed in that moment how little he respects you and the family he’s built with you. Move on and find happiness with someone worthy of you.

Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanmen · 16/09/2024 18:19

He doesn’t yet know I know - I only found the
‘evidence’ earlier today (hidden in his wardrobe) to back up a suspicion I’ve had for a while. I’m sitting here shaking while my youngest child does their homework beside me and trying to concentrate on helping them but inside I’m spinning out.

OP posts:
Newname71 · 16/09/2024 18:19

DH cheated on me (one off not an affair) 22 years ago. I confronted him with it, we did a lot of talking and decided to stay together,mainly because DS was only 2 at the time.
It took a long time to rebuild the trust but we’re still together now, and very happy.
I wouldn’t pretend you don’t know, you need to talk about it, find out why it happened, you need to know if you’re considering staying with him.

BarbedButterfly · 16/09/2024 18:20

I would be modelling relationships to my children so leaving and showing that you don't tolerate betrayal. There is also the question of what we are talking about here. A one night stand, an ongoing affair?

He will likely cheat again even if you ignore this and if it is an ongoing affair, he may leave anyway if there are feelings involved.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/09/2024 18:21

It depends on your circumstances tbh. Lots of women just pretend it isn't happening and play happy families. You would be surprised how many elderly couples have a history of this, but the wife preferred to keep the family together and retain the financial and social benefits of marriage.

How would things work out if you left? Do you have a good job? Are there substantial assets to be divided?

RaspberryBeretxx · 16/09/2024 18:23

I couldn’t ignore it and I left. I think if you try and go the route of pretending it isn’t happening, you will end up imploding your own self and your mental health which could be more detrimental to the dc in the long run than breaking up the marriage. You have to look after yourself and don’t underestimate the immense strain and stress that ignoring this will put you under.

having said all that I absolutely would take your time to end the marriage on your terms and get yourself in an ok position. I had it out with my ex then he basically did nothing, stuck his head in the sand and kept seeing the OW but lying about it. I spent 3 months just getting my head around things including moving into the spare room then left and moved in with my parents as a stop gap with DC. I think during those 3 months people were wondering wtf I was doing but it was helpful for me to get my head around things (as much as is possible).

so sorry he is doing this to you.

LostTheMarble · 16/09/2024 18:23

Newname71 · 16/09/2024 18:19

DH cheated on me (one off not an affair) 22 years ago. I confronted him with it, we did a lot of talking and decided to stay together,mainly because DS was only 2 at the time.
It took a long time to rebuild the trust but we’re still together now, and very happy.
I wouldn’t pretend you don’t know, you need to talk about it, find out why it happened, you need to know if you’re considering staying with him.

Evidently it’s not a one off if the op has suspected for a while, and it seems the only consideration for staying is for the children’s sake. She’s important too. As for ‘why’ it happened, that suggests that there is some way a half decent explanation for it, or worse the op is somewhat to blame. There’s never a good reason for crossing the line, especially an established affair if this is what it is.

Foxlovesfruit · 16/09/2024 18:25

Don't ignore it to save going through divorce. Don't stay in a marriage full of deceit, it's a complete waste of your life. Your kids will be fine and see a much happier mum, I'm sure. Besides OP, you might turn a blind eye and live in a loveless marriage for a while for him just to leave you anyway for the OW.

CreativeOriginalUsername · 16/09/2024 18:25

I couldn’t. It’ll destroy your mental health in the longer term.

how sure are you that you’re right?

Janella · 16/09/2024 18:26

I chose to stay for the kids and the family we had created. The cheating had happened a few years earlier when we were in a different place.

However, I had it out with him. I set rules and boundaries and I let him know how much he hurt me. He worked hard to make things right. So no, I didn't ignore it.

It shifted everything for me. I had been sacrificing a lot to be the perfect wife and I stopped. Tasks, childcare, housework, finances, employment investment all evened out between us. Savings split between us (which benefitted me as I'd earned a lot less). Tonnes more transparency. I shifted from "needing" him, to being in an equal relationship that I want to be in. So it burst the bubble for me but I'm in a better place now.

We mean a lot more to each other now as we have so much more respect. And he knows it would be over if he cheated now.

Channellingsophistication · 16/09/2024 18:27

I don’t think you can pretend you don’t know. You will do a lot of damage to your mental health if you try and do so. Also you won’t realise it but you will be a little sad and your children will pick up on that.

I think you have to confront him. Is there anyone that can have the children so you have some private time to talk? I think people can come back from affairs. It is not remotely easy and it will depend upon how remorseful he is, assuming he wants to continue the marriage.

So sorry you are going through this. My ex-husband cheated on me so I know how devastating it is. Sending strength.

Seriously79 · 16/09/2024 18:31

If you stay/ if he stays won't the kids pick up on your resentment?

DillDanding · 16/09/2024 18:33

Nobody knows until it happens to them. Of course we all say ‘it would be the end’ etc.

My friend’s husband was unfaithful. It was a fling and nothing more.

They had 3 young kids at the time and she decided to forgive him. Not just for the sake of the kids and their stability, but because she didn’t stop loving her husband.

It had worked for them. 10 years on and they’re extremely happy and it is firmly behind them. It doesn’t always have to be the death knell.

JHound · 16/09/2024 18:33

Dogsarebetterthanmen · 16/09/2024 18:09

Is pretending you don’t know about a Dh’s infidelity ‘for the sake of the kids’ ever the right choice? If you’ve either forgiven infidelity or just ignored it, how did it work out for you? Did you/do you regret it? Were you ever happy again in the marriage?

I can’t see how I’ll ever trust DH again and despise him and the fact that he’s done this to me (well, to all of us) but also can’t bear the thought of the disruption and heartbreak I know a divorce would bring to the kids. I feel sick at either thought.

We’ve been married so long. I keep wondering if, if I just pretend I don’t know, will I gradually forget about it over time? Would living like that be less or more painful than a messy divorce? Or will I just fester with resentment?

I feel so lost. I just want to wind back time and change this awful, horrible situation somehow.

Depends on what you hope to achieve by it. If you think the children are better off with you together and can put up a good fake front then it maybe better to stay.

But if there is blatant disrespect that the children are being exposed to then think what they maybe learning is ok to expect in relationships.

My dad was a massive philanderer and my mom
ended up throwing him out. Not immediately but at the moment he was not trying to hide it and had outside kids she had enough.