To consider ignoring infidelity for the sake of the kids?

[Dogsarebetterthanmen]

Is pretending you don’t know about a Dh’s infidelity ‘for the sake of the kids’ ever the right choice? If you’ve either forgiven infidelity or just ignored it, how did it work out for you? Did you/do you regret it? Were you ever happy again in the marriage?

I can’t see how I’ll ever trust DH again and despise him and the fact that he’s done this to me (well, to all of us) but also can’t bear the thought of the disruption and heartbreak I know a divorce would bring to the kids. I feel sick at either thought.

We’ve been married so long. I keep wondering if, if I just pretend I don’t know, will I gradually forget about it over time? Would living like that be less or more painful than a messy divorce? Or will I just fester with resentment?

I feel so lost. I just want to wind back time and change this awful, horrible situation somehow.

My ExH first cheated when our eldest was 2. I decided to stay as I just wanted a happy, together family (my parents divorced and I promised myself I'd never do that to my kids). We went on to have another child and I told myself I was happy. I was happy with our children... anyway he had another affair (and countless emotional affairs) and I left. Turns out I hadn't been truly happy for years, I didn't know what a happy relationship or family home left like as I got used to our norm. The day he left a huge weight was lifted and I realised I'd be living for years under this huge heavy cloud that was always niggling away in the background.
It's been 5 years now since I discovered that last affair and I'm not gonna lie, I hate the fact my kids have divorced parents, but you know what, we're so happy as our little unit. I've done really well at work, kids doing brilliantly at school and are lovely young people. And I met someone new who has shown me what it is to be really loved and he is a fantastic role model to my children. (Ex is a complete knob however!!!) I hope that gives you hope xx

My DH’s parents both had affairs they stayed together ‘for the children’ he wished they hadn’t- he describes it as awful
and awkward and as a result had a poor relationship with them - more so his DM. Don’t stay together because of them - they will know, do whatever you need too to find calm and confidence. It’s your job to teach your DC’s what relationships should be like and how women/ girls should be equal
and respected.

Do not sit on this - it needs to come out and if you do stay he needs to need to understand your new rules and boundaries. Take care x

Your husband is an abusive, treacherous liar. Cheating is abuse. He has chosen to abuse you.

All cheating is abuse, no matter how anyone tries to minimise. And you'll never know all the facts. He's a liar. You can't believe him.

No relationship ever survives cheating. Sometimes people tolerate never fully trusting their partner again and rebuild a different relationship. But your current relationship is dead and he chose to kill it.

I'm really sorry. Chump Lady is a good site for a wake up call.

Before you do ANYTHING keep proof, speak to a lawyer, get professional financial and legal advice. No matter what you decide, these steps will harm nobody and could be invaluable.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you go to marriage counselling. You wouldn't sit with your abuser being told that you must take some responsibility for him punching you in the face - but marriage counsellors will make you pretend some of his abuse is your fault.

I'm so sorry. Good luck.

My only advice is to take some time to think before you open your mouth. Not just because your feelings may shift rapidly over coming days and weeks, but because once you open your mouth, your ability to tolerate his presence may drop like a rock.

I knew my ex was fucking me over somehow for a while, but I didn’t have details. I started getting my ducks in a row, and while I was pretending everything was fine I was able to keep a lid on my feelings.

But when the extent of his deception came to light unexpectedly and he and I had to confront it in the open, all my anger and disgust came to the surface and I couldn’t stuff them back down. I couldn’t bear to be around him any longer but he didn’t leave for months, and that was torture. So keep it in until you’re ready to deal with the fallout, whatever it might be.

You NEVER forget it -leaves you constantly wondering if it's happening again.
My only regret is not leaving the first time.

You matter too much to let this slide. Betrayal. Deceit. Cruelty. And yes, trauma. It's traumatic to find out your world as you knew it has gone.

Divorce is really disruptive and can even be hellish for everyone but it's over relatively quickly. Not compared to the pain and misery of enduring the humiliation of adultery.

I would divorce. He cheated. He created this.

Read Chump Lady and do not allow yourself to be treated so badly anymore.

And my only regret too is not leaving the first time.

Sadly, I think that is your survival mode coming into play...

I think this seemingly feels like the most protective route logically, but it is also your brains way of protecting you emotionally. I don't think it has all quite hit you yet and pretending and trying to put it away in a little box and carry on is going to hurt your mental health in the long run. I think it will surface at some point and hurt more than this to the point of at least having it off with your partner or more so leaving.

I could be wrong - but I've seen it before - and I've done it and it drove me mad.

If it feels too disastrous to leave or hard I know people who have thought about what their childs view of 'love' is growing up. Do you really want to mask 24/7 for how ever much more years for this? It will be soul destroying. Bless you, people are fucking horrible and no one deserves this!! Fuck him. Who does he think he is. Get your information together financiallt etc before confronting him (I've seen this great advice from others about getting ducks in a row) in case the result is the end.

Remember, you are great and you got this! You deserve better and the very least that guy deserves is to be called out and feel ashamed and guilty - albeit a lot more!!

When he isn't there - watch 'The Other Woman' - its on netflix and disney. There you can get a good picture of how twatty these guys really are and a picture of how you need to prepare and get information - so not saying to begin with is a good thing whilst protecting yourself. The movie might help being about that putting yourself first and give you a good laugh and cry.

“For the sake of the kids”? That won’t turn the clock back.
A friend of mine grew up in a house that was kept together “for the sake of the kids”. Both she and her brother were very angry about it. It wasn’t a happy home, although from the outside it looked fine.
If you are going to stay, and he wants to, you should get some professional help from Relate, You’re in a different relationship now, as he has been for some time.

This happened to good friends of ours. The husband had an affair which my friend found out about, and brought up straight away. They asked to meet DH and I because I had always said that a brief, regretted affair wouldn't necessarily be the end of my marriage.

In a nutshell he really didn't want to split up. My friend was adamant that if he wanted to stay together it had to be because he wanted her, not for the children.

They went to individual and couples counselling and as a previous poster said, the relationship changed for the better.

It is now 10 years later and the relationship is going strong.

So, it can be done, if both people want it.

You might not have a choice in the matter, if feelings for the OW are involved.

Feel for you, but you've got to get ahead of this. Have the conversation with him.

And please stay because you both want it and not for the children. I've seen the damage that causes.

Your happiness is crucial to your children’s happiness. A happy mum means happy children. You can’t hide negative emotions like misery and anger from them. They will sense it in some way.

My first thoughts were dont tell him yet if you can help it...and he might well be gearing up to blindside you and leave you....

You might not be able to leave now but get your ducks in a row. Save money, increase your working hours and do what will make your life easier because he might choose to leave rather than work on things with you

IANAL ... this is broadly good advice but i believe higher pay could work against you in a divorce settlement. Ie you'd be better off spilting/divorcing then improving career so i would want a clear legal perspective on my position

I would, If you can, keep a lid on it (you'll prob need some cover story to explain your mood in the shortterm and say something vague about a fight with dm/dsis, problem at work etc)
Find 1 or 2 good divorce lawyers and understand your position
If you can get some individual counselling to decide next steps.
If you decide to stay, at some point you'll need to discuss it...

As hard as it is you need to ask whats in it for me....it feels far away but your kids will be 18 and gone to uni and you'll "be alone"... with him. You can just think of the kids.... 30 years of unhappy is a long time.

Please don’t let on that you know, instead get prepared and know your rights by going to a good solicitor with all your legal papers. Boost your pension and look for a better paid job which you are capable of doing.

I know lots of people who have ignored it including my mother because they would have lost their comfortable life style.
I don't need anyone else's money so I would and did dump tthem because I lost all respect for them.

it definitely can work and be a good option
BUT you have to be comfortable with it

there’s no point doing this when you have hatred and rage for the situation

you have to be 100% at peace with you decision and able to live with this knowledge otherwise it will just eat away at you

you’ve just found out there’s a lot I get your head round

and also not wanting to twist the knife but would he want to stay

The concern is that it’s not a one off he’s fallen for someone but that he’s a serial shagger. I observed this when I worked in offices. Some of the senior men were constantly and persistently unfaithful it was their lifestyle. If the wife found out about one affair there would be upset and drama but actually there were numerous affairs as if one ended another would be started.

Senior partner at my old City firm was one he had an ongoing affair with his senior associate colleague (who had a fiancée and actually got married to him whist affair continued) also the HR lady. He was already on his third wife.

Sorry not to update. I tried to wait but was utterly miserable and ended up confronting him and it went ok- I suppose it went as well as can be expected. He denied and deflected almost everything and definitely there were some obvious and outright lies but I had prepared myself for that so I tried to stay as calm as I could and kept bringing the conversation back to the ‘facts’ of what I’d found.

On the other hand, he seemed genuinely distraught that I was so upset and admitted our marriage needs help and said he was prepared to get outside help. This in itself is a major change for him - when I’ve previously suggested that counselling could help with other issues we’ve had (such as communication), he’s scoffed at the idea and dismissed therapy as useless.

At the moment, I have no idea how I will feel in the long run. I definitely want to attend the counselling anyway for my own sake, as need to find some help to process this, and as I’m tied to him anyway due to the kids so ideally it would be better to be able to communicate with him in some way. I’d also like to be able to hold my head up and say that I’ve tried everything I could.

If I remember, I’ll report back on this post in a few months when things have settled down and let you know what’s happened one way or the other.

I really, really appreciate everyone’s comments and time you’ve taken to reply to me on this. I’m so grateful for this community - it’s been a literal lifesaver for me over the past couple of days as I’ve felt so raw and distraught and haven’t been able to sleep or eat or concentrate. I’ve been looking at other mumsnet posts as well as this one and just have been struck by how many people have gone through the same thing. I am so sorry this has happened to us. If you’re reading this in the wee hours and you’re going through something similar, and feel completely alone, please know that I’m there too.

How is having an unhappy mum good for the kids? I could not ignore my husband putting so little value on me feelings and the promise he made to me. I would confront and say e would be getting a divorce. Even if he told me everything, promised to never do it again etc. the trust is gone I couldn't live the rest of my life wondering who he was with what he was doing every time he was late home from work.

The thing is staying for the kids benefits everyone but you. I'm sorry but as much as it will impact the kids (don't listen to anyone who says it won't- it's an adverse event after all) why would you make your husbands life easy after he's done that?

So he didn't admit his infidelity? This is already a complete dead end if not.

He is not distraught that you are upset, he is distraught that he has been discovered and that it's the end of the line for him. If he had the ability for distress for your feelings, he would not have been unfaithful and would not have kept it from and and also wouldn't have lied when you confronted him – nothing about that is distress for you, it's only distress for him.