To consider ignoring infidelity for the sake of the kids?

[Dogsarebetterthanmen]

Is pretending you don’t know about a Dh’s infidelity ‘for the sake of the kids’ ever the right choice? If you’ve either forgiven infidelity or just ignored it, how did it work out for you? Did you/do you regret it? Were you ever happy again in the marriage?

I can’t see how I’ll ever trust DH again and despise him and the fact that he’s done this to me (well, to all of us) but also can’t bear the thought of the disruption and heartbreak I know a divorce would bring to the kids. I feel sick at either thought.

We’ve been married so long. I keep wondering if, if I just pretend I don’t know, will I gradually forget about it over time? Would living like that be less or more painful than a messy divorce? Or will I just fester with resentment?

I feel so lost. I just want to wind back time and change this awful, horrible situation somehow.

You don't need to make any big decisions right now. You've had a big shock and you need to give yourself some time to absorb it.

And tbh I don't think you should make any big decisions based on internet strangers - they could be trolls winding you up for kicks, and even if they're not they're not the ones who'll have to live with the consequences of their advice.

Give yourself a chance to process the information. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

I imagine this is your mind casting about for any way possible to avoid life changing utterly forever ...

I don't imagine any modern women manage to actually fully ignore infidelity when clear evidence emerges. In the past maybe - and nowadays there are those that have suspicions but turn a blind eye. As various posters have outlined some people do manage to stay together after having it all out with their cheating spouse. But that only works in rare cases is my observation on here.

I don't think children are always harmed by their parents breaking up. I actually think it's better to have two separated co-parents who are happy, than live with two unhappy people who are in a sham marriage.

My daughter always says she is pleased her dad and I broke up. We are both happy and our co-parenting relationship is honest and strong.

Why would you want to lie to your children by pretending to be happy when you aren't? And why do you assume they would even want you to - I'm sure they love you and would be happy if you were happy.

Think about the message it gives sons and daughters. Ignoring it tells them it's OK for men to do this and that women will just suck it up. Is that what you'd want for your son or daughter?

If you try and keep it down you will explode eventually. Sorry this is happening.x

In the process of probably/ possibly breaking up (non cheating related) and I would actually have considered thinking people should stay for the sake of the kids in instances but now I’m the opposite. Kids know when their parents aren’t truly happy and it’s no example for them either now or in later life to see a couple who tolerate each other. Life is for living and loving, even if your love is inward bound xxxxxx

Living with someone you despise “for the sake of the kids” is not going to work out well for the kids.

Edited to add: But agree with others - you don’t need to make big deciscions immediately. Take the time you need to find the solid ground beneath your feet. Find support. Don’t be pushed into anything by impatience or others.

I think that you need to do what is best for you, not what others expect you to do. That said, don’t be surprised if the anger does come, and be prepared that, a few months or years down the line, you may feel that you can no longer remain in this relationship. Kicking the can down the road, so to speak, isn’t a bad thing: you may feel that you are better equipped to deal with the situation later on. But remember, if and when you ever do wish to leave, you don’t need to prove or justify anything. A delayed reaction is just as valid as an immediate one.

I could forgive a one night stand but presumably this is ongoing so I wouldn’t pretend that I didn’t know because every time he left the house or told me something then I’d be wanting to shout and scream at the liar.
You have no chance recovering from this until he ends his affair and shows remorse. What if he continues and decides that he wants to leave you for her ? Your decision to look away will have just bought him time to solidify and have fun with the mistress while you’re at home spinning because you can’t think straight while looking after your kids who deserve 100% of you.

I’ve read many posts on here by posters whose parents stayed together for the kids and all of them say that their parents should have split up because it’s a terrible burden to think that your parents were unhappy for years because of the kids. They lived in homes where they knew that something was wrong and they didn’t know what and the tension made them avoid going home as adults and fucked up their relationships because their parent’s decision to endure events made them feel like they should overlook affairs too.

You might not be able to leave now but get your ducks in a row. Save money, increase your working hours and do what will make your life easier because he might choose to leave rather than work on things with you.

I don't see how you can just ignore it.
If you have evidence you need to talk to him.

It will destroy your self respect and your mental health if you try and pretend nothing is happening when you know he is lying to you and is meeting up with another woman.

How do you know, even if you did try to ignore things, he won't just up and leave for the OW any way?

You deserve better than being lied to and taken for a fool. You are worth more than that. It is not going to do the children any good having an unhappy mother.

I think I would take this route if I decided to stay together. I would leave the proof out for him to find and put a note with it saying ‘ time to talk when the kids are in bed’. I’d then set down the new rules if he wants to stay married. Crucially, I’d make sure he knew how much hurt he has caused - and that there is no going back to the old life. If you do a lot of housework for him eg his laundry, it stops now.

You'll forever be suspicious and will grow on resentment. Every late meeting, night out with friends, text message, you'll be wondering what he's up to. You'll be sickened when he tells you he loves you.

Don't do that to yourself. Don't allow your soul to be destroyed for the sake of a family. Loads of kids have parents who have split, it's very common. I think you're projecting your fear onto them.

Even if he played hardball, I think we’ve been together long enough that I’d get some sort of reasonable financial settlement. I’d be most concerned about getting a fair share of his pension. I’m almost 50 so don’t have a long time to build up a decent pot if I had to do it by myself.

My salary is a tiny fraction of his, but I could probably change to a better-paid job if I needed to. We used to do similar jobs but my career stymied after kids as I do almost 100% of the childcare, and I work part time and ‘flexibly’. Meanwhile his career has gone from strength to strength.

Start a stash , get your ducks in a row
I wish I had the impact cheaters have on a family is huge , once a cheat always a cheat
save then
save yourself
think forward your kids eventually leave home
your best years pass , and your life wasted on a shit

You may be right (both re the resentment and also the fear).

I am so sorry this is happening to you, im 4 months in and I can tell you all decisions have been a process and you cannot rush it. Give yourself time to think and get your thoughts in order.

Thank you, this is very good food for thought

You wouldn't be the first to take this approach. No one else can tell you what is going to make you happy, but there are plenty of people on here who have come out the other side of this and can speak from their own experience.

No, nothing would have made me consider staying another night under the same roof as my husband if I had found out that he had cheated. Regardless of the circumstances or degree of cheating, or the number or age of our children, our marriage would have ended the second I found out about any infidelity.

Although no cheating was involved, my husband grew up from as young as he can remember with parents who loathed each other but stayed together apparently for his sake. He has always said that he was aware of every row, the constant tension, and always wished they would separate and give him a peaceful childhood.

Thank you all. I’m reading every message and appreciate them all. Juggling reading with bedtime so please bear with me if I don’t reply straight away. I’m going to try to get an early night so I can think a bit straighter; I think I’m in a bit of shock right now. I have some very good friends locally too who I know will help and support me while I try to process this so I’m going to try to arrange a meet up with one of them this week.

This is good advice.

I was upset when my parents split when I was 9, however it didn't take long to realise I was so glad they did. My mum went on to be actually happy, which is something we all deserve. Lots of care whatever you decide

Thank you.

Today has been a huge shock. Once I knew I couldn't ever go back but my mum did and has a happy marriage from what I see.
Everyone's situation is different and you must do what's right for you.
I wouldn't ignore it though, he should be allowed to just get away with it

Firstly I’m so sorry that this has happened to you & I echo the advice to allow yourself time to process things & recover from the initial shock before making any big decisions.

Ultimately you have to decide what’s right for you, but I just wanted to share my own experience. My husband confessed to a 1-night stand & begged me to stay ‘for the children’. I initially tried to stay together & put it behind us out of perceived guilt & fear of breaking up the family, but my mental health was in the gutter.

The quote that finally convinced me I needed to end things was: ‘Staying married to someone you no longer trust or respect is just a slow death of a thousand tiny cuts.’ This really resonated with me.

Fast forward - we’ve been separated nearly 3 years, our children are thriving & I’ve never been happier.