To consider ignoring infidelity for the sake of the kids?

[Dogsarebetterthanmen]

Is pretending you don’t know about a Dh’s infidelity ‘for the sake of the kids’ ever the right choice? If you’ve either forgiven infidelity or just ignored it, how did it work out for you? Did you/do you regret it? Were you ever happy again in the marriage?

I can’t see how I’ll ever trust DH again and despise him and the fact that he’s done this to me (well, to all of us) but also can’t bear the thought of the disruption and heartbreak I know a divorce would bring to the kids. I feel sick at either thought.

We’ve been married so long. I keep wondering if, if I just pretend I don’t know, will I gradually forget about it over time? Would living like that be less or more painful than a messy divorce? Or will I just fester with resentment?

I feel so lost. I just want to wind back time and change this awful, horrible situation somehow.

“but also can’t bear the thought of the disruption and heartbreak”

Whatever disruption there will be has been caused by him, not you. Once the trust has gone , the marriage is over.

A one-night , drunken shag, with no emotional attachment you may be able to get over. An affair, no.

If you think about how angry you’re feeling, how are you going to be able to ignore it and talk to him normally? For your sake you need a chance to speak and be as mad as you want. You also want to get all the facts right?
what’s your relationship like normally?

I think you have to be prepared that he may not want to stay together.

I confronted my husband after finding the proof I was looking for, I’d been suspicious for a few weeks. He admitted it - seemed it had been a relatively short-lived affair…to cut a long story short we ended up staying together because I didn’t want to not see my kids 50% of the time, wanted them to have a family etc (they are very young) we currently go to counselling…I despised him for months and I guess now I’m moving passed it a bit. I still don’t trust him, I don’t think the kids pick up in anything as I’ve tried to make things seem normal. I guess now we are happy(ish) again. He says he is - I suppose I am when I don’t remember it. I still don’t want to split up as I think life would be worse for me and the kids…so as long as it’s not awful (which it isn’t) we might as well work on things.
sorry this has happened to you…I remember that sick to my stomach feeling well. Do what’s best for you.

Lots of couples survive infidelity. Some even are strengthened. It totally depends on the people involved and the circumstances.

Take a moment and think through whether you want to share with a real life friend, as the gossip mill can start up and add petrol to the flames.

Many years ago, a friend's mother (her parents were in their 60s) discovered her husband's affair. The moment he walked in the house that evening she brandished the phone at him and said, "I want you to call her right now in front of me and tell her you are never going to see her again". He did exactly that and they got through it.

Only you can know what is right for you.

There’s no way on earth I would do this. In the bin he goes. At some point the children will either see him leave, cotton on to the OW or will see you turn into a shell of yourself. You will drive yourself mad

Doing the best for your children is teaching them about healthy relationships, I.e boundaries, respect & morals. If anyone treats me or my child badly, they don’t get to do it again. I’m a great & loyal partner & I 100% expect that in return.

You have just found out and almost certainly in shock. There is no need to make any decisions and any decisions you do make today are likely to be changed. My advice would be to sit with the situation for a few days without telling him in order to process it

Please don’t.

my mum turned a blind eye for the sake of keeping our family together. What happened is I worked out he was cheating as a teenager and spent about a year in turmoil not knowing whether to tell her/confront him. I made myself sick thinking I’d be the one blowing our lives apart - I was quite resentful when I found out she’d known all along.

really sorry you’re going through this, but please don’t accept this for the sake of the kids x

I rarely have anything to say about anyone else’s relationship as I’m not very good at them myself but in scenarios like this I would say please don’t put up with it. My mum did, only for my dad to be out doing the same thing again a few months later. He sustained an affair for many, many years before it all came out when they were both approaching old age, the effects have been catastrophic for the whole family.

I think you have to do what is best for you and your family . Take time to think about it and if you feel comfortable can you confide in a close friend / relative ?

I think as others have said it will likely have an adverse impact on your mental health . This is due to the level of betrayal / lies etc that your husband has put on you . Lying by omission is still lying and he is betraying you / has betrayed you by this . He has prioritised his own needs over yours and your family .

If you truly do want to save your
marriage I think it would be better to get it out in the open and look at individual and joint counselling. You have to be prepared for the fact that he may not want to continue with the relationship .

I think it will be difficult to continue on pretending that nothing has happened , as you will be walking on eggshells . If you do this , I think you could only do this for a limited period of time only and as others have said you could use this time to look at increasing your earning capacity , perhaps getting legal advice and finding out what your financial position might be in the event of a split .

Whatever happens , it is not on you . You did not cause this , you did not break up the marriage / put your marriage in jeopardy . Your husband did by his behaviour .

No one would chose to break up a family but sadly a lot of us find ourselves in this position . It is tough going but you will get through this . You have to do what is best for you too and take care of yourself both physically as well as mentally . If you do not do so , you will not be able to look after your children properly either .
Whilst you may have suspected something was going on for a while it will have still have been a shock to you to discover the truth .Look after yourself and take care .

My mum stayed with my dad - he has always cheated on her - she knows, he knows she knows, they have some sort of arrangement. She wouldn’t leave him because of the kids and religion. She explained it to us - we understood. Whatever she wanted - we supported. They’re still together now - well into their 70’s. It’s not for everyone.

There's no right answer - you have the right to do whatever you think is best.
There's also no rush to make a decision, you can think it over for as long as you want.
I don't think doing something for the sake of the kids is ever a good idea if it will make you miserable or resentful.
The only exception being if they're in an exam year, as it might be worth waiting until after that.

My h had an affair and I stayed for eight years. Not always for them, sometimes for me. I have no family or money and didn't think I'd cope, plus I still loved him. I ended our marriage last summer and we are now divorced. The kids know everything and they say I've done the right thing. They appreciate I stayed but are happy I've left now. They had no clue. I did a good job of pretending for everyone. I've been left with illness though due to stress so be careful. But I'm managing a million times better than expected. He's not doing so well.

At what point was he thinking of the children when he was unfaithful? So sorry OP. I would be ending things.

I could never ignore it as I'd be so angry.
I have never been in that position but I don't think I could ever forgive, not a full blown affair anyway, perhaps a one off kiss. But then the trust would be gone and our marriage would be dead regardless.

You need to leave for the kids. Why would you want them growing up with their parents in a unfullfilling resentful relationship??

@Dogsarebetterthanmen try not to worry about money as you will get a decent share. Get all financial information that you can without him knowing, maybe see a solicitor. I have been a sham since 2001 and have zero pension and very little money of my own. He had to give me a lump sum, I've got more than half his pension and a bigger share of the house when it sells too. My kids are adults as well.

You can stay and try to rebuild marriage if he is willing to stop cheating.

Or... you can go, have an affair and see how willing he is to describe it as "just a mistake", "a drunk moment", "an obvious lack of passion between you now".
Tbh most people learn best on their own skin.
If he is willing to stay with you after your affair you can consider forgiving his.
Equal partnership.

I don’t think I could get over it, but I’d like to think I could as objectively throwing a whole marriage away for what could just be a phase in time seems a waste.

I don’t agree that pretending not to know is the best course of action. Not least you’d be potentially risking your sexual health. And there’s also the possibility that your DH doesn’t want to stay.

I think that your first priority right now should be to assume that he's going to leave you for the other woman and get legal advice accordingly. Because for all you know he could be planning on leaving you tomorrow/imminently and if that happens you want to be prepared and not scrambling around trying to figure out where you stand. Then you'll have the advice you need, personalised to your exact circumstances and assuming that he doesn't take the decision out of your hands any time soon, you've got time to think over your next move.

Also consider that if you and your husband have sex without barrier protection you are at risk of STDs, which could be very difficult to manage without him finding out that you know.

I wouldn’t rush into anything. You need to get your head around this and decide what you want to happen.

But I think if you decide you want to save the marriage then you probably need to deal with it as otherwise it could keep happening and he could end up leaving anyway.

You need to prepare yourself that he might want to get caught out so you finish with him, whether it’s for the OW or to have a mid life crisis.

I would prepare for a split without telling him you know or are in any way doubting the marriage. That might be financially, it might be going full time, or getting him to get the house done up or whatever. But whilst I do believe this isn’t the end of the marriage for definite, I genuinely don’t think you can take anything for granted right now, protect yourself and act slowly and carefully and don’t let on you know, just yet, so keep him busy if possible and have some excuses to hand as to why you are quiet or aren’t yourself

My H cheated. He was so disgusted with himself he left before I found out (and without us having slept together since it had started) and tried to make a go of it with her because he thought I would never be able to forgive him. Until it happened, I certainly didn't think I would either. I didn't actually find out for some time after he left that there was an OW, but I assumed there probably was and took my time to process how I felt, and whether I would want him back if there was.

Once he realised I knew, he rapidly admitted that he had made a mistake, that he didn't want to end our marriage, hadn't known how to talk to me about his unhappiness, perhaps more importantly he hadn't been able to get me to listen when he had tried. We chose to live apart for a year while we each had counselling to deal with our individual issues and what had got us to a place where cheating was his 'solution'. We are still working things out, but he moved back a year ago. I won't say it has been easy, but with time and effort, we are learning to trust each other again. I didn't cheat, but I do know that there were things I was doing that were at least as damaging.

There is a lot more detail in between and maybe it has helped that I know of a number of other couples who have been through similar midlife crisis type situations. Oversimplification but we decided to take the chance to reset and have the marriage we both wanted before both our dysfunctional upbringings got in the way.

You deserve to be treated with repect and be happy. Id hate to think my mam turned a blind eye to my dad cheating for the sake of me. Definately needs to be discussed whatever decision you make. Dont ignore it it wont go away.

Thank you. OP, you do need to address this with your husband. And remember that festering resentment is toxic and corrosive.
Take care

My ex and I had been together 10 years when he cheated. I tried so hard to make it work and try and forgive him but he didn't change his behaviour, he didn't try and fix the problem so it really only lasted a few weeks after that.