DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

Your parents are stirring. I would see them less and tell them the truth - their thoughtless and bitchy comments are causing problems in your marriage

Well yes it is quite ridiculous to say someone needs to give their partner more than a weeks notice to leave the house to go into their own town for a few hours?

OP has ran her plans past her DH with a weeks notice so she is being respectful

What do you mean?
When I say I resent him a little, I don't mean because I want to go out, I mean I'd rather him stay home.
I don't say this to him though, don't worry.

It's not justified, I know.
I'd rather he want to spend time with me than away with others, but I don't tell him this and I don't stop him.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I think it’s great that you can meet up with your friends and have some interesting nights out. If I was your husband I would actively encourage you to do it. It makes for a healthy relationship. I can’t help feeling though that parents haven’t been overly helpful with their comments and have fueled his reaction.

so when you say time by yourself
you mean with him?

I enjoy spending time by myself or with DH (or kids) either way.
I don't really like spending time with others much.

but you say you prefer time by muself

so perhaps he senses that!

@Player5 well i would just actually say stfu. They can take their draconian views to their grave.

This is interesting. Do your kids also have friends? Do you resent it when they want to spend time with them?

And do you resent it when your kids or DH want to spend time alone (without you)?

I'd want to know why he thinks looking after his own children makes him a mug.

No I don't resent the kids spending time with their friends. They are late teens.

do they have friends over?

This does admittedly read like satire.

Your parents are horribly sexist and I would spend less time with them. I hope they don't say these things in front of your kids!

How is the childcare shared when you are both home? Does DH gets his video game time interrupted an unreasonable amount? If you do your share at home and he gets his chosen downtime a fair amount then I cannot see an issue with your healthy social life being what sounds like a maximum of one day, everning or night a month. Ask your DH what he thinks is reasonable and what notice he would like to see it it sounds fair?

I feel much more comfortable when DH is home to share the jobs and be there is a kid won't sleep or is unwell but I feel it is important he socialises so deal with it and expect to be able to go out myself with a little notice.

Yes from time to time.

YANBU
If I didn't have time with my friends to decompress I would not be in a good place. It's really important to have quality time together and apart

DH does quite a bit of gaming, but has got friends he sees occasionally - mostly going for a drink but maybe away once every couple of years

We also do stuff together, walking, meals & drinks out, short breaks (easier now DC are older!)

I do have a lot more interests and friends than him so am out the house much more. I sing in a choir, I go to church & housegroup, I do a lot of lunches/bottomless brunches/meals out/theatre etc with different groups of friends. Also see my family more than he sees his

We do agree on all trips away before booking, but I definitely do more than your twice a year and it's no issue
This year I will do 1 x 4 night break, 3 x 3 nights and 3 x 1 nights. Every one of those is with other women, every one some of whom have children - so you are not alone

Also had a week with family and 3 breaks with just dh, dd has had a couple with her friends too

There is space for us all to do our own thing and do stuff together too

Agree you need to shut your parents comments down.
Although I have just told DH I shall be gallivanting on my trip this weekend...😁

next time your dh heads out, just enjoy the time by yourself!

Your parents are trying to sow seeds of discontent in your marriage. Ask yourself why. Be very careful who you share information with and to what extent you listen to outsiders.

Wow good for you!
I wish I went out more. I'm thinking since the kids were born I've had less than 5 overnights with friends and my eldest is10.
My husband goes out more than me but there was a time when he didn't.

Because he's a man, duh, and OP is a woman, and once you have a child you are expected to no longer live a life outside of that child, never see friends, never work away, never indulge in hobbies, never spend money on things that don't directly benefit your husband and children, never sleep, get all of your needs met by your husband and children.

I've never heard understood how a man with a full time job,children,a partner and a home that needs looking after has time to game as gaming isn't a exactly a short activity and can very addictive.

Getting gaming time whilst the other partner does the other duties with the children/household is a privilege not a right and I'm betting when adding up leisure time to do the things they enjoy individually the amount of time the OP's DH gets to devote to his gaming massively outweighs the amount of time OP gets to do nice things with her friends.

So, just your DH.

Do you resent it when he spends time alone (without you)?

well i imagine similar amount of time some spend on mumsnet and manage to balance it all 😆

I'd hazard a guess that you have the kids while he's gaming... which is probably a lot more person/hours than you are having...