DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

I’d assumed the gaming happens after the kids have gone to bed

Wow, this is turning into quite an interrogation after just a minor comment.
Maybe resent was the wrong word.
And it's only a little. Like if he is out two or three nights in a row which sometimes happens e.g., two regular club nights with a one off event in between I can feel a bit "left at home" but I know it's silly because I could go out if I wanted to I just don't.

It’s not an interrogation. I think it’s interesting, so I’m asking questions. You’re perfectly welcome to ignore me.

And I keep asking if you resent it when he spends time alone, as I’m trying to figure out if it’s the going out aspect or the ‘without you’ aspect that bothers you. However, you clearly don’t want to answer that, so we’ll leave it. 😊

I don't resent him spending time alone.
As I said, I sometimes feel a little neglected if he's out a few nights in a row but it doesn't happen that often and it's a minor feeling.

Not sure if this has already been suggested as I haven’t read all the comments so sorry if it has! It seems promising that he suggested you don't mention plans to your parents because they’ll get at you; seems like on some level he doesn’t think it’s fair to you.
Rather than suggesting he start a new hobby or going out which he doesn’t care about, could you sit him down and have a chat and say ‘I really need a break some times and I enjoy getting dressed up with the girls, but I don’t want you to feel taken advantage of; why don’t we plan some days/evenings where you can have a dedicated gaming session and I take the kids? X number of hours uninterrupted, get your favourite food in, so you can de-stress too.’
It is important that you both get down time and it’s pointless trying to make his ‘relaxation’ time be something he doesnt value, but it sounds like maybe he has a blind spot for all the time you already give him to chill out and game. Get it ‘booked in’ instead so he appreciates it and feels like it’s a fairer trade?
(obviously if he DOES realise and is just trying to guilt you out of ever going out, this will fall flat on its bum lol)

How the hell is 2 of anything 'quite a lot'?

2 is a small number, in practical terms, in numbers of days away or weekends away, you can't get a lot less than that, the options are 1 or none...

There are very few circumstances where two is 'quite a lot' - perhaps if we were talking luxury yachts or multimillion pound lottery wins, maybe.

but you said you prefer time “by myself”

and perhaps he senses that!

Exactly. Just because he has no friends or social life doesn't mean he gets to enforce this on the OP too, because otherwise it's not fair'!

OP, I go away all the time, leaving DS with DH.

It’s not about who is right or wrong. It’s about one person vocalising a dissatisfaction within the relationship and you working together to try and solve it.

But equally the OP can’t just assume carte blanche to say yes to everything then present each agreed arrangement as a fait accompli to her husband. If he is internally / secretly a bit upset or hurt that he’s unable to find friends or make friendships as easily as the OP, her assumption that it’ll always be fine because he’s always around might make him feel like he’s being taken advantage of.

Mmm, in this case, I disagree. There are some absolutes. And an adult woman who wants to have some time to herself, away from her family, is an absolute. There might be times when compromise and working together is valid - eg based on amount of time spent away or whatever - but that's clearly not the case here.

Perhaps you are accustomed and have the means to live the sort of lifestyle where going to hotels for city breaks or such like is normal. It's lovely that you can do this.

However many people, for whatever reason, don't do this type of thing and calling their lives miserable isn't great.

So your husband is under the impression he shouldn’t have to parent his own children?

I can see why it feels a bit lopsided, but it’s not your fault he doesn’t want to socialise. Doesn’t he ever want to do anything? Go off on his own and do something even if it’s just the gym a couple of times a week or a visit to a local city?

Could it be a game you both enjoy? “Oh mum, I’m going out AGAIN this weekend” then when they start first one to shout BINGO wins a packet of crisps..

I love the way you view an invitation from your child-free friends as them deliberately trying to sabotage your precious time with you family!

Just spending time with your family and never with friends sounds quite suffocating.

It sounds a lot to me, but others may well disagree. If my DH was heading away for overnights either friends a couple of times a year just for fun and with no specific purpose, I'd feel a bit left out and forgotten about to be honest.

Good grief. All these people who can’t function without their spouse. No wonder there’s an epidemic of social anxiety in our society.

I go out twice a month, I would not want to live with anyone who would get a bit 😳 over that.

But if you have a partner that NEVER goes out that means you can never go out?!

Fuck that.

I have about 4/5 weekends away a year with friends, weekly hobbies out the house, and at least one or two evenings out a month with friends. DH is welcome to do the same. He chooses not to. I'm not going to have zero social life to please someone else.

@El12

I would have regretted deeply if I traded half an hour with my family, dc playing snakes and ladders, dh watching telly with a cuppa, for the best show/play away from them with my friends.

So you are saying you have never had half an hour from your husband and kids?

I find it utterly bizarre that people think this is a normal or healthy way to live. What kind of message do you think that sends your children? That they should never enjoy time away from the family?

I go out a few times a month
i I have a few weekends away a year with friends
MY dh does the same and even if he didn’t, I wouldn’t let his unsociable traits stop me seeing my friends.
it would be my line in the sand.
And we are both loving parents to wonderful kids

Why are your parents interfering? It’d never occur to me to comment on my DD going out without her husband.
And your husband is looking after his children , nothing “mug” about that. It’s what a parent does.

It sounds like your parents have really stirred shit.

I would sit him down and tell him what you've told us but basically as primary carer you need it for your own sanity. And he is given the headspace and quiet time to himself to game which is his choice. If he wants to check into a hotel to do it then so be it.
So he can either get on with it, or as a family you will need to find the cash for a carer to come in while you are away [who will be in his space all weekend]

As for your parents, I think I would really be reading the riot act and they can stop making their sarky comments and take their noses out of your marriage. Let them be offended, it's had a huge impact.

Suggest that, for every overnight or evening out that you have, DP 'nominates' amdifferent evening/overnight as his equivalent. He might chose to spend it out or in - but if it's in, he doesn't have to lift a finger doing housework or childcare for that period.

If he normally shares weekend/evening childcare and housework with you, this will be fair. If you normally do the lion's share....well, suggesting this might prove a point.

Agree with PPs about parents.

I think you need to have words with your parents about your stress levels parenting as a carer to your child, and that Dh has his down time gaming with no interest in going out with friends. If they keep shit stirring you will have to cut down on contact as your marriage is more important and this is what works for you and your Dh.
They need to keep their beaks out.