DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

‘Most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard’?! Give over.

Running future plans past a partner when you share a relationship, home, kids is just respectful.

I run things past my partner. I can’t see why though, if all he does is stay at home playing video games, the OP’s partner would possibly need more than a week’s notice?

How many hours a week does he spend "gaming" and who looks after the kids / maintains the house while he's doing it?

So to be able to go out to things with her friends the OP has to force her husband to make some friends and take up at least one hobby - even though he doesn't want to - so that they can have exactly the same amount of time out of the house??? Sorry but I can't help 😂 at that "advice" because it is so preposterous!

I suppose to carry on with your logic Mrstt, if the OP's DH refuses to make - potentially shallow - friendships, or take up any hobbies that would take him out of the house, then the OP has to stop going out of the house, and therefore eventually lose all of her friends (because realistically one Christmas card, and one birthday card a year, is not going to sustain a proper friendship), in which case I think that it might be the OP's relationship with her DH that might not survive, rather than her friendships...

A weeks notice is fine if that’s all she has as notice.

Discussion about whatever she wants to do, should happen when she’s in the planning stage. It’s just respectful.

So if it’s the week before and tickets come up, she mentions to her DH that her and her friends are planning on seeing the show and if it’s alright for him to be in charge of the kids- then a week it is.

If it’s 6 months ahead when they are planning a weekend away, she should still discuss it with DH and that he’s in charge of the kids and then put it in the calendar.

If he ever says no, he doesn’t want to be in charge of the kids that night - then it gives the OP time to find a babysitter.

But that won’t happen, because shes relying on her boring DH doing nothing and taking advantage of that.

If I could never go out without my husband or kids I would go insane. I did get a similar lecture from my parents when I mentioned I was considering a night away with a friend despite the fact that my husband also does the same. It apparently wasn't the done thing when I was little but that's not my problem.

If your husband doesn't want to go out then that's his prerogative but it shouldn't stop you from doing what you want as long as he was able to do the same if he wanted and it's not impacting time together. 2 overnights is nothing and even once a week for a few hours is fine. If he did the same that still gives you 5 nights a week as a family and 361 days of the year.

My friend has a DH like this. We go out together for dinner or to the cinema once every couple of months and then once a year we have an overnight stay at a spa hotel. She is constantly putting up with snide comments from her DH who also never goes out and has no friends.

I do think at the heart of it, he is jealous and resentful. Even if he says he isn't and he prefers being at home. Deep down, I'm sure that he (and your DH) resent their wives having the friendships and social life that they don't have. No secure person is that unreasonable.

I think your parents are the problem!

Nothing you have said sounds excessive, you’re entitled to a life outside of your kids. I honestly can’t see why he would feel that you are “taking him for a mug.” Maybe he feels he is doing more at home than you, and that you having a social life is adding to his load? How is childcare/household chores split?

FFS, ridiculous. You should be allowed🙄/encouraged to have a little you time.
I remember a few years ago I went to the funeral of a friend, when I came home my dp mother said wasn't it good that their father" babysat" HIS dc to let me go.
I had no words

Loads of us have no friends, do you think that’s impossible?

This is one of the saddest, bleakest, unhealthiest things I’ve ever read on here. And there’s been steep competition.

I can’t say i know anyone in RL that i engage with on any level who has no friends

No. It may sound awful but I don't really like or need them.
I prefer to spend time by myself. I had some "mum friends" when the kids were little and I hear from one of them a couple of times a year now.
I have no friends from school or uni (both a long time ago).

@EI12

I will take a punt that you aren’t ever in the position of having decide between family and friends? and that your stance is more theoretical than reality

Because people who have no friends are very unlikely to engage with you and it’s a massive taboo we’re somehow not allowed to talk about because it makes people feel very uncomfortable, and also wonder what’s wrong with you. So online communities / gaming / podcasts work well as a surrogate for IRL friends instead. You at least get to engage in discussions and hear opinions of others and stuff.

Going out with friends = absolutely fine and important

Making plans without consulting with him, assuming that he will be free to look after the kids = absolutely not fine.

I would always ask first, and my DH would do the same. I don’t mind being at home with them so that he can have time out, but I do mind if he assumes I’m available as the default parent.

How old are the children? I think 2 "girls" weekends a year seems like quite a lot, but it depends, is he wrangling tiny toddlers or just being present for older kids who are largely self-sufficient? If he has the option of equal time to do his own thing and just prefers not to, I don't think you can be blamed.

You are of course free to not want to have friends or hobbies. I don't think it's fair to then resent your spouse for having them though.

If you choose to have no friends and prefer to spend time alone, then why do you resent your DH for having a social life?

What you say is perfectly reasonable.
It is only a few days here and there.
It does not sound like you burn through lots of family money.
You plan and give notice and check with him.
In the meantime you have lots of family time with them and do not go when they are ill or otherwise in need of support, you are perfectly right to go. And you should encourage your husband to take some time to himself.
Your parents need to either help with babysitting or keep quiet. They are not helping, are they?

but your initial post re how you feel about your DH going out and socialising would indicate otherwise?

there are a couple of things you could do to make sure this stays balanced.

first, don’t tell, ask. If you want to go out on a particular night, ask if he is available to be the primary parent. Even if you know he is a homebody and the answer is almost certain to be yes. Asking is important.

Try to get him the equivalent number of blocks of UNINTERRUPTED recreation time. That he prefers his recreation at home makes this tricky, but not impossible. This gets easier as children get older because it’s easier to take them out, but even if you are home, try to be the point person and protect his block.

If it was a woman complaining about a man having 2 nights away PER YEAR and half a dozen nights out, there'd be uproar on here protecting the poor dear man. His entitlement to ... well, just his entitlement - would be poorly served by such a meagre social life!! But apparently on MN for a woman its "quite a lot".

💯