DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

Tell your parents to keep their unasked for an unwelcome opinions to themselves and yes, stop telling them what you're doing.

Does your DH game to the exclusion of all else, no pausing/games that cannot be paused, off in his own room oblivious to all that is going on in the house? Or is he playing games he can dip in and out of, and can also take part in household life?

The two are very different things to live with - I have had issues with my DP investing SO much time, energy, effort into games (that cannot be paused) that he then finds his real life is lacking, and so its more tempting to invest more time into the game-world... and it becomes a vicious cycle.

What has helped is ensuring I treat particular game events/times as if they were booked appointments/events in the real world, so even though he doesn't really go 'out' out... I'll still give him notice of me doing something if that then means he couldn't do game stuff.

On his side of things, he has limited his gaming time to a few evenings a week, rather than driving me absolutely crackers gaming for 8 hours straight whilst I work, and leaving the housework to go fuck itself!

I don't know about other consoles, but in your PlayStation settings you can see how many hours total you've spent on a game

Get him to add up his hours spent across a few of his favourites and then tell you which of you is the mug 😉

you don’t sound very compatible
has he always been like this and you the opposite?

DP have extremely dated views where once a woman is married with children her place is in the home next to her husband. They don’t see many other people and disagree when I say that all my friends with children still go out and have a social life.

I would shut this right down. You are a grown woman, married with children. Why on earth do you let them think they can pass comment like this! Are they in your daily lives a lot?

It sounds like your parents have whipped this up into an issue and embarrassed your DH by making him feel like he is being walked over, hence him using the word mug.

You parents are dicks for shitstirring but only you know if your husband would be reacting this way otherwise.

nothing with you and your children?

My kids are young adults. I am so, so glad that I kept up my interests, friends and hobbies, now they have no time for me. I am not in the least bit sorry that I went out a lot all through their childhoods. To be fair, DH never objected.

I have seen women who spend all their free time with their families completely bereft when they face an empty nest.

in the honeymoon period of dating pre children

did he give no indication of this?

I go out with my friends now and again and also go away for the odd weekend, the OP is allowed a life we are not living in the 1950's where she has to stay home tied to the kitchen sink looking after the kids.

I think it's fine to go out and do stuff as long as the other person has the equivalent in time to themselves too.

When you're out and about all the domestic stuff and childcare falls to him. He should get a chance to have a break from that too. He doesn't need to have hobbies or friends, you can take the kids off by yourself for a morning and let him have a lie in, or take them out for the day so he can just chill at home with no responsibilities. I'm sure he'd appreciate the time to read, watch his choice of TV etc....

I think if you both get equal opportunities for childfree time, then how the childfree time is spent if irrelevant.

Otherwise we do lots together, regular meals out, cinema when the children are in school, days out and very occasionally a date night if my parents watch the children for a few hours.

so i’m guessing he doesn’t ever instigate plans like this if he just prefers being at home

If I understood you right, when your DH plays video games, you look after the kids entirely. So that's his hobby time. He prefers to spend it at home, whereas you like to spend your child-free time going out. But that doesn't matter. It's still a case of one parent looking after the kids solo, while the other parent relaxes without dealing with the kids.

If you add up how many hours he gets to game in peace over the course of a typical week, and then do the arithmetic, I bet you'll find that he gets far more time to himself than you do.

bloody hell op

i thought i recognised your user name

your DH is the twat who calls you thick

Your parents need to shut up and stay out of your relationship. Heaven forbid a man has to look after his own kids. Crack on op and tell him to grow up and book his own nights away if he's so bothered.

WTAF

2 days ago on her other thread the Op posted this

DH is a STBEX - I am getting everything organised and plan to leave eventually. I have been in contact with Women’s Aid and am putting together a plan to safely leave DH.

For added context - one of our children is disabled and in his carer. I adore him however life can be challenging and exhausting. Having stuff to look forward to and seeing friends now and then does make a difference and gives me a break.

This is HUGE. It doesn't matter how much you love and are dedicated to them, Carers absolutely need regular breaks from their caring duties.

I don’t think it’s envy as he’s genuinely a homebody and loves being left alone to game (which is fine, I’ve no issues with his love of gaming) It just looks “bad” that I’m always the one doing stuff and it does look like he’s being left with the kids a lot.

I think you should add up all of the hours in a week or month that he is gaming and you are default parent who is on duty. Add up all of the hours that he is on duty vs you. I'd bet by bottom dollar he's getting more time off than you.

DP have extremely dated views where once a woman is married with children her place is in the home next to her husband. They don’t see many other people and disagree when I say that all my friends with children still go out and have a social life.

That's nice for them but this leaves women incredibly vulnerable to domestic abuse and unable to escape if the marriage sours. Please have strong words with them about not wanting to hear their views on this again - and as others have said, filter what you tell them if it's going to be complained about.

Men both find it harder to make friends than women do, and are more likely to give up all outside friends because they think they are content with having a wife and kids. Unfortunately the mental health stats say otherwise - it is demonstrably not healthy to rely solely on your partner and children for company, and people with wider social circles are notably happier with lower mental and physical health issues. His life his choice, but he's not doing his own wellness any good by not maintaining friendships. You absolutely have to strongly advocate for your continued social wellbeing in this relationship.

He’s the odd one not going out socialising! Just because you’re a mother, you’re allowed your own life too!! Sit down with him and say he can have allocated child free time the same as you do do what he wants (gaming it seems!) then there should be no issue!

I would be tempted to say "great, on my own again while you play video games" anytime he goes near computer. However more mature response is to talk it through, ask him if he genuinely grudges you socialising explaining you would like him to do the same but understand it isn't something he wants to do. And also how the comments are unfair and make you feel guilty for going out.

Blimey. My late DM was born in 1926 and was fairly old fashioned but even she would have had no problem with me going out with friends or the office crowd and leaving DH to look after DC, which happened from time to time.

😳

🤔🤔

My relationship is the opposite of this.
DH has a social life, friends, hobbies, goes to gigs, etc. and is often out for half days with his hobby and meets friends, maybe stops in a hotel one night a year.
I do nothing, have no friends and never go out.
I do resent him sometimes but then he encourages me to meet friends and go out, I just never do.

newbies to this thread should read what the op wrote… 2 days ago on her other thread about her Dh

why Op, seriously, weird

The issue isn’t you going out. It clearly how the nights are arranged.

If you are chatting to friends, pick a date and a show, organise everything…..THEN…. You go to your DH to tell him. Then that’s out of line.

You're chastising him for not having a social life, but it’s that lack of social life that allows you to go ahead book without thought. If you aren’t asking him in advance about dates and if it’s ok with the kids etc, then you’re in the wrong.

If however, you’ve discussed dates and asked if it’s fine for him to have the kids- he’s then said yes, then I don’t see what the problem is?

Is he saying yes when you’re making plans and then changing his mind closer to the date and complaining to you?
If he is then just ignore him, you’ve showed the relationship respect, he said he was fine looking after the kids, so don’t waste time worrying.

you really have “no friends”?

'DM STFU ' is a complete sentence.