To think that some people need more downtime/rest or am I just lazy?

[The99th]

I have always been someone who seems to get overwhelmed easily and needs a lot of time to recover and rest from things - something like commuting twice a week to the office will have me exhausted and needing a PJ day at the weekend to recover. Even when I was a child I remember needing half-term to have lots of lazy days to recover from school. In primary school I remember that I hated if I had a classmate's birthday party on the weekend as that was my time I needed to relax at home (lol).

On the other hand, one of my best friends is constantly on the go. I don't know how she does it. She will rarely spend a day or evening at home. Last week, for example, she was out every evening after work with various plans - work leaving drinks, meals out with friends, staying at her boyfriend's house, staying at her Dad's house, then her Mum's house. Then she went away for the weekend, got back late last night and has started a new job today. In comparison I would have needed all of last week and the weekend to be quiet/chilled so I could mentally prepare for starting a new job...

I'm starting to wonder if maybe she has the right idea of things, and that maybe I spend too much time thinking over things, and maybe I need to stop thinking I need all these quiet days to 'recover' or 'prepare' - but the fact it's been since childhood may mean I am just wired differently to my friend?

Do you think some people do genuinely need more mental downtime (excluding neurodiversity as I know they do genuinely need more time to recover)?

(BTW I did the post cancer fatigue course because I'd had breast cancer - I didn't nick the place off anyone else who needed it!)

And daily exercise DOES help - it gives me a higher 'baseline' of energy and helps me sleep. But I used to think 'pacing yourself' was my old pattern of boom and bust - push myself to exhaustion then flop. Actually, 'pacing yourself' is learning to pause and rest BEFORE you get to that depleted stage.

I still need to remind myself of this... 😉

Cost of living has forced me indoors.

It’s the cost of constantly being out and busy.
Meals, coffee, drinks, entry fees, memberships, it’s beyond my budget now.

I have “no spend” days which means not doing anything that costs money.

Working full time, 2 kids with any hope of a holiday means staying close to home and saving the cost of all I listed.

Sometimes it’s not laziness, it’s necessity. That said, I do love being at home.

This is all very interesting to ponder. I'm a homebird, but as an opposite to many people, I find the shops- both supermarket and clothes- also fill my energy pot, if I'm by myself. I wonder if it's because I worked in retail for a long time? My brain switches off while shopping I think, which gives me a mental rest. The exception to this is the weekly food shop, but just going for a walk round Asda with nothing in mind than a loaf of bread is fine.

That’s exactly like the friend I was talking about up the thread. Anything out of the ordinary, however minor (a dentist appointment, picking up dry cleaning), seemed for him to eat into hours, or more usually days, either side of it. The idea that he might have his child’s parent-teacher meeting after work on Monday meant it was, apparently, absolutely impossible they could go to see a film on Saturday. You would ask what his weekend had been like and he would huff and puff about ‘having a lot on’, which meant his wife was away on a course so he’d had to take the kids to their swimming lesson as well as do two loads of laundry. I think it cost him his marriage, tbh. Very difficult co-parenting two children with someone that low-energy.

I know we've said that we're disqualifying neurodiversity from the equation, and this is obviously very arm chair diagnosis of me, but a lot of this sounds like ADHD to me.

I wonder how much of it is physical, hormonal, emotional and mental.

I only know that this friend had no diagnosis. Which doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

Circumstances seemed to alter his energy levels, though. I gather that when he and his now ex-wife first got together, he was much more dynamic, but his energy slowed down over the years to virtual inertia. Which you might assume was age (he was in his 40s and early 50s when I knew him best — we now no longer live close to one another), but since the end of his marriage he found the energy to do OLD and find a new relationship, which was initially LD, and for a while he seemed to have no problem with dashing off to. London for the weekend, and spontaneous trips to Paris etc.

Now his girlfriend has been living with him for a couple of years, and from what I gather, it’s settled down into laundry taking up all of Saturday, and weeks of recovery needed from any minor deviation from routine. Something tells me his girlfriend is getting tired of this, as his ex-wife did.

One thing that does contribute to tiredness, I think, is if you're the sort of person who Notices Everything... so if a room is too hot or cold or someone's wearing strong perfume or has a loud laugh or I hear a different accent and get curious about that, then I'm talking to someone and I can do 'social' fine - I listen and contribute - but I'm also watching for vibe, how that person is really feeling, I can tell if they're tired or annoyed or bored or distracted, what their subtext might be...

I think it comes from being both genetically sensitive, plus hyper-alert to volatile and dysfunctional parents in childhood. I really do try to deal with it, but the effort of dealing is tiring in itself.

This is so interesting - I'm also left handed and can't think of the last time I thought about it. What types of things do you find take up energy because of it?

This is so interesting - I'm also left handed and can't think of the last time I thought about it. What types of things do you find take up energy because of it?

exactly - I will happily spend a weekend painting, reading, crafting, practising yoga, studying something new, watching films, perhaps a walk or a trip to an NT place or a museum, so hardly ‘doing nothing’. i just prefer to do these things alone (or, in the case of the walk, with my DP/DC).

I love the occasional social gathering but I’m exhausted afterwards! I have autism and adhd. I’m very happy with my life 😊

where do I start? learning things as a child; tying knots, bows, anything involving two hands. Sewing was hard to learn. Scissors, tin openers machines with the buttons on the right, ...don't know what else to add, there's so much......it's a right-handed world out there!

I was thinking about this earlier. People on tv were talking about what they do to let off steam, and I thought, that’s interesting, I can’t remember the last time I felt the need to let off steam. If I feel stressed or wound up I fix it by doing something quieter- going for a walk, or doing a yoga practice. My job is quite stressful- almost all difficult conversations and trying to get people to do things they don’t want to do- and I don’t want to do anything except read or watch tv in the evening after work. Apart from anything else, if I don’t start properly winding down a good couple of hours before I go to bed I can’t sleep. And I prefer not to do more than one social thing per weekend. That makes me sound like a right mopey old grump, but I’m just happier pottering around on my own after a week at work. I’m pretty sure I’m not neurodivergent, just introverted and easily contented.

@LoobyDoop2 nooo, you don't sound at all mopey! You've described my ideal weekend, just pottering about (I call it 'moodling', and if I don't insist upon it, I can get really ratty)... It sounds like your job really is challenging, but that you've got a good handle on what you need to come back down from it. If it works for you, don't change it!

I was in bed at 6pm last night. Earlier than my more usual 8pm. I am not good when tired. I’m 52, and struggle with full time work without a few very early nights. When I was in my 20’s, I worked full time, frequently night clubbed til the early hours on Friday and Saturday nights and had late nights during the week with friends. So for me, it’s clearly age related. I definitely don’t get enough exercise which doesn’t help.

I live alone and wfh.
I still need a full day per week of staying in. I do laundry and watch Netflix.
If I'm doing a THING eg car Mot or shopping then I prefer that to be the only thing I do that day.
Don't understand ppl who go out after work.

Indeed my username explains all. Indoors, introverted and low energy.

I only go out if I absolutely have to. I even freeze food leftovers to avoid going out to the bin too often.