To think that some people need more downtime/rest or am I just lazy?

[The99th]

I have always been someone who seems to get overwhelmed easily and needs a lot of time to recover and rest from things - something like commuting twice a week to the office will have me exhausted and needing a PJ day at the weekend to recover. Even when I was a child I remember needing half-term to have lots of lazy days to recover from school. In primary school I remember that I hated if I had a classmate's birthday party on the weekend as that was my time I needed to relax at home (lol).

On the other hand, one of my best friends is constantly on the go. I don't know how she does it. She will rarely spend a day or evening at home. Last week, for example, she was out every evening after work with various plans - work leaving drinks, meals out with friends, staying at her boyfriend's house, staying at her Dad's house, then her Mum's house. Then she went away for the weekend, got back late last night and has started a new job today. In comparison I would have needed all of last week and the weekend to be quiet/chilled so I could mentally prepare for starting a new job...

I'm starting to wonder if maybe she has the right idea of things, and that maybe I spend too much time thinking over things, and maybe I need to stop thinking I need all these quiet days to 'recover' or 'prepare' - but the fact it's been since childhood may mean I am just wired differently to my friend?

Do you think some people do genuinely need more mental downtime (excluding neurodiversity as I know they do genuinely need more time to recover)?

It depends doesn’t it?

If someone has a job that doesnt involve talking to many people and isn’t very demanding and they live near work and have an easy journey, then they will probably need to go out in the evenings for company and stimulation.

But if they have a demanding job that involves long hours and they have been interacting with others in a high pressure environment all day, anc on top of that they have a long stressful commute, and return home late every night, then they may only have the energy to curl up and relax afterwards.

I have an auto immune disease so my body has limits and I've learnt over the years that I need down time

I have my own business that I work in and it's very physically and mentally demanding as I'm with upto ten different people a day and on my feet all day.

I've just changed my hours so I do three longer days and the odd half day now so I can use half a day for the admin and cleaning and then close the door for three days as my brain wasn't getting down time.

My dh is always on the go,works then goes right to the gym and then on weekends he's always doing something diy or garden related which mostly involves going to get stuff so out and about etc

I'm always awake early so I'm normally downstairs on my days off early to sort washing dogs house etc etc so by early evening I'm on the sofa zoning out but dh is still pootling around

I am high energy during the day and am really productive but I have switch off times in the evening where I just need to sit and wind down.

I’ve always been a low energy type person. I work three days a week, 5 hours a day, and granted it is a physical job. But when I come home I usually decompress about 45 minutes and then take an hour nap! People exhaust me too - I have an event coming up, only about four hours and I’m dreading.

I think the older I elllget, the more I need!

Watching tv, reading, playing a game on my phone, chatting online
Pottering around the house doing sort of light housework, maybe a load of laundry or batch cooking something
Playing with the cat, chatting to the neighbours
Long bath or shower
A nap

'doing nothing' to me consists of having absolutely no obligations for the day.

So I will happily potter around at home and in the garden, wearing old clothes, doing spits and spats of tidying/organising, not bother doing my hair, cook nice things and have no structured timetable to the day, daydreaming and thinking to myself. These are my favourite days.

If I have to go out to buy something, drop something off, visit someone, have someone visit me, have a workman round, go to the vets, etc etc etc I feel like the whole day revolves around it till it's done, then I can relax again.

Agree that low energy is different from introversion. And that “needing” recovery time can often be habit rather than need. But, if you prefer living life that way, then why not.

I recently went back to 5 days/week commuting after years of only doing 2 days. I was so used to having every other day at home I really felt like I needed those days. The first week of commuting was horrible but now it just feels normal. Turns out I didn’t need those days after all

Sorry not RTFT but my DD has all sorts of complex issues and her educational psychologist said she only has so many 'spoons' to use up, I think it's called spoon theory, anyway o think we're all like that, some people have tonnes of spoons and others have far fewer. Unused to be someone with loads of spoons, I'm 52 now and have had so many spoons lost, stolen, thrown in the bin by accident I'm struggling to cope ... menopause pinched tonnes of them too!!

Im exactly like you OP. I don’t think there’s anything wrong about it. Keep doing you

Yep, I'm neurodiverse and although I love being around people and doing things, if I don't get my little breaks to myself I end up drained and exhausted.

It's interesting to me that some posters feel their neuro diversity means they need more downtime

I have ADHD but feel the opposite. Sort of.

I basically don't deal very well without any sort of structure to the day. If I have a couple of fixed things in the day, it's fine and I can shape the day around those. But if I didn't have anything at all to do in a given day, I get really jumpy and restless

In my 20s I was up at 4:30, mucking out horses, back home fir a shower, 2 buses to work, full time job, back to the stables on the way home (3 buses) then home, chores and cooking. In my 30s I worked full tome and did a part time degree while volunteering as a union rep with a national role, had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis.

I'm 59 now, have worked all my life and found out I have chronic kidney disease. The fatigue I have felt in the last 2.5-3 years is like nothing I've ever felt. I only go to the office once day a week, with the other 4 days working at home but that one day knocks me out, I just want to go to bed when I get home. I'm not going to feel bad about it, it's how things are now.

That’s exactly what I did today - back at 7pm and straight into pyjamas. I never go out on a weekday evening (in fact, I’m not sure where would go if I did).

I completely agree with this. My eldest is a bouncing off the wall, high energy type, very sporty. She doesn't have the stamina though of other children and gets ratty after a few hours of socialising. It took me ages to work this out and then be able to turn down events that would be too much, or work in some downtime somewhere. From tiny toddler age she used to say "too many people" she still hates crowds and busy places.

It's got better as she has got older, but I've adapted too and know what works for her.

I hadn't been aware that both my children go silent and stare out the window of the car as downtime after socialising. Not until we gave another child a lift and she did not stop talking the whole way home after hours of socialising! I needed the quiet time too and found it really hard to concentrate.

Thank you for all of the interesting replies - it's so interesting to read different perspectives. I agree with other posters that I don't think it's simply an introvert/extrovert thing.

Today I had the day off work and I went into town to do some shopping - I was only out for around 3 hours in total. I came home feeling mentally exhausted - my head hurts, my eyes feel glazed over and I feel foggy-headed and tired. I love the idea of being on the go constantly and I often make lots of plans but they end up falling through as I underestimate how much they take out of me. I'm only 30 and have no health conditions.

Yes, I'm exactly the same with your last paragraph. I couldn't relax with a task to do.

Something like having a workman round would stress me out for days leading up to it. He could be here for five minutes and I'll dedicate at least three days to being bothered about it.

I'm lazy and I love my bed. I dread to think how much time I would spend in it if I didn't have a job, a kid etc.

As I get older I realise how lucky I am that my favourite things to do are completely free. My long lies at the weekend are my absolute golden time. DS is a teenager so it's bliss.

Have you heard of sensory processing? Some people get a much bigger "kick" from a sensory experience than others, and it can mean you are overwhelmed more easily than other people.

I can be listening to music and suddenly it's overpoweringand I have to turn it off.
I get shaky in airports because of the noise, lights, smells etc

It is worse if I'm stressed.

Sensory activities can help. Like hot baths, chewing/crunching/sucking food. It is worth working out what works for you. For me it's M& S assorted toffees!!

I am the same. I noticed it when I went with my sister in law to New York. She would go round exhibitions all day and then want to go straight for dinner. I would yearn for some down time in the hotel room lying on the bed! I concluded then I have less energy than others. I am healthy and fit but need to rest and recover.

That's how I am, I am a dynamic extrovert in spirit, my body just has other plans. I don't want to spend hours lying down, I just have no choice.

Where as when I worked pt I often wouldn't go home between school runs on my day off.

Straight from school to do a few errands ( post office, buying presents for DC's partys at the weekend) gym class at 10:30, meet a friend for coffee then supermarket shop before picking kids up- lovely relaxing day.

A pp was listing different types of energy - physical, mental, social, etc - and I wonder if there’s also some type of energy that’s to do with being indoors vs outdoors / at home vs out. I think I can happily relax and let my mind roam free / enjoy a audiobook etc when I’m walking, or swimming, or when I’m sat outdoors at a park or café. But stuck indoors on a rainy day I don’t think, ‘ooh lovely, I’ll just curl up with a cup of cocoa and relax with a good book’ - I want to gnaw my own limbs off.

I’d love to be able to chill at home - it would make living in such a miserable rainy climate so much easier.

This is very interesting.
I know people who can't be at home. Outside of work, they go from one place to the next and home is merely a place to put their head down for 6-8 hours at night. If they come home at night at all, of course.
It can be expensive to always be out, outside of the home, and never in. Don't know where they find the money to pay for it all either.

I totally relate to people who are exhausted by a few hours in town or have to gear themselves up/decompress afterwards when they have trades in.

I've always needed loads of time alone, exploring my own thoughts and not responding to anyone - this is important - even my husband being in the house can grate on my nerves because he seems to require attention. Since covid he's found he can work at home a lot, and this has really hit my career as a writer... 😔

I've been like this all my life, and it's one reason I never had kids - I knew I could never cope with disturbed sleep, being 'touched out' or having to deal with their school and social lives. I'm definitely at the extreme end of 'introvert'.

In later life, I've been diagnosed with an autoimmune thyroid condition, and these things tend to come in clusters so there are possibly others knocking around that cause my low physical energy (mentally, I can go for hours). I'm also always borderline anaemic, and taking iron helps a bit.

The biggest thing for me is learning to accept it instead of fight it, and not to judge myself against those with natural energy or extroversion. Pushing my energies always makes things worse. I did a 'post-cancer fatigue' course that helped with this, plus reading about mindfulness and meditation and self-acceptance. Plus accepting that I NEED 8 - 9 hours sleep as a physiological non-negotiable!

I can’t stop and don’t like down time I find it boring and non productive. Each to their own. I only sit down when I eat (or I am working) and go to bed when I am tired to sleep. I get uncomfortable lying in bed too long. I wake up early and exercise or go to work and I am up all evening doing stuff I don’t watch TV. I get up regularly from my desk and walk around.

I feel antsy if I have time with nothing to do, so I will fill the time with an activity.