To think that some people need more downtime/rest or am I just lazy?

[The99th]

I have always been someone who seems to get overwhelmed easily and needs a lot of time to recover and rest from things - something like commuting twice a week to the office will have me exhausted and needing a PJ day at the weekend to recover. Even when I was a child I remember needing half-term to have lots of lazy days to recover from school. In primary school I remember that I hated if I had a classmate's birthday party on the weekend as that was my time I needed to relax at home (lol).

On the other hand, one of my best friends is constantly on the go. I don't know how she does it. She will rarely spend a day or evening at home. Last week, for example, she was out every evening after work with various plans - work leaving drinks, meals out with friends, staying at her boyfriend's house, staying at her Dad's house, then her Mum's house. Then she went away for the weekend, got back late last night and has started a new job today. In comparison I would have needed all of last week and the weekend to be quiet/chilled so I could mentally prepare for starting a new job...

I'm starting to wonder if maybe she has the right idea of things, and that maybe I spend too much time thinking over things, and maybe I need to stop thinking I need all these quiet days to 'recover' or 'prepare' - but the fact it's been since childhood may mean I am just wired differently to my friend?

Do you think some people do genuinely need more mental downtime (excluding neurodiversity as I know they do genuinely need more time to recover)?

Noted. I think it was rude and unnecessary. I could judge legions of people, condemning them as dull or stupid or any other insulting term, for any number of things that they do or enjoy doing. Going out drinking? Smoking/vaping? Going to the theatre/cinema? Binge-watching TV? Endless things.

Most of those activities are not my bag but I have the wit to realise that they are very much the things that other people do/like to do so I wouldn't stick a label on them. It's hurtful so why do it? Unless, that's also something that people like to do? There are people like that.

We are all so different and that's a good thing in my book, never having to explain why either.

This is a good point, I have a family member who is always busy ever since they experienced a horrible trauma and I think it is a coping mechanism for them even though they say they just like being busy

I'm like this... Turned out I have a chronic, hereditary, disease (ankylosising spondylitis) it's shit, I used to have so much more energy 😭

I’m like you OP, I need down time. I would dread having something on every weekend, but I have friends who plan every weekend. I would be absolutely knackered if I went out for drinks every night after work.

I've just looked that up, it sounds really tough

I feel your pain. I've got an auto immune disease and it wears me out so much. I used to think nothing of a ten mile hike or staying up all night dancing. I miss those days.

I agree that keeping busy is a coping mechanism for some people. They can’t bear to sit quietly and just be with their thoughts because distressing thoughts/issues may arise. I know a couple of people like this. One has a lot of trauma in her past.

This is such an interesting thread. It’s interesting to me how morally loaded this is. The word ‘lazy’ has so many connotations.

I am a clinical psychologist and work with many neurodivergent young people. For them, knowing about how their own social, physical and cognitive energy is best spent and how and when they need to rest is really powerful (we call it energy metering.) So often, they bring a huge amount of shame as they perceive themselves as ‘lazy’. There’s quite a powerful social construct around good use of time, and taking time for rest or doing less than the norm can be hard (for others) to accept.

In our family, DH needs lots of time out so that he can be super efficient when he is on duty, either at home or work. He’s a barrister so court time is draining and needs balancing with this. It would be unfair of me not to accept this, if he needs to hide in his story and read spaceship books, I respect that, even if I’d rather he cake to lunch with me. I’m the Duracell bunny, who plans loads, does loads, then just flops. Despite my job, I’m not very self-insightful and rarely see the ‘flop’ coming. I’ve had a big health worry this week. Today I went to the GP to get my results back, all good news, and I came home and slept for three hours- I hadn’t realised how tiring that stress was. I’ll be fine tomorrow but I do now respect my mind and body when it says ‘stop!’

I often wondered for a lot of years if I was some kind of freak OP. Thanks for reassuring me others have felt this way too in life. I need my down time. My children are the same. They are active but also like just resting at home too.

This is the difference between introverts and extroverts - which is nothing to do with how outgoing you are

Most introverts recharge by time alone
Most extroverts recharge by time with other people

So what drains you is recharging her

I love doing nothing - I genuinely love it. I'm never bored doing nothing.

However, sometimes I have loads to do and feel up for it and can be a bit of a whirlwind for a few days. I spend this time cooking loads of meals for the freezer, doing loads of errands and chores and socialising. I do it all just so that I can have a few weeks of delicious nothing again.

I couldn't be on the go constantly like some people. I do wonder if it's my age though?

I've met people who have very low energy/need a lot of time to recover from events that would seem "normal" for me. My ex used to go out on a Friday night (just dinner and drinks, not heavy partying. In his 20s), and then at a stretch I could get him to come to the markets/go for a hike/whatever it was on Saturday. He'd want an afternoon "relax" and then could cope with dinner out or cooking together, whatever it was. Sunday was for sleeping in, and sitting on the couch watching TV. It didn't last (he also had a phenomenally low sex drive). Maybe there were medical issues, but he wouldn't get them checked out.

On the other hand, my DH (just turned 40, I'm 30s) is the opposite, which works for me. This weekend we were up and out to the markets on Saturday morning, then we took the kids on a day out to the woods. Had a picnic. Evening we had friends around. Sunday we were up bright and early, dog walking for him, visits to family, evening spent together until quite late chatting and playing boardgames. We both got a workout in there, too, plus cooking and some of our own hobby stuff - which includes reading and writing, so not energetic.

I wouldn't say we're extroverts. DH is quite shy, I'm less so (though I know that's not the whole criteria). We just like doing stuff and have quite low sleep needs, too. Before kids, we didn't necessarily want to be out at parties or events multiple times a week, but we did like to be doing stuff; visits to places, having fun together. My ex, on the other hand, once had a week off work and got arsey because he had to go to the shops for milk! Stocked up on food so he could stay home.

It really depends on many things. I tend to prefer having at least one day per week to myself no matter what is going on but have found at times when I don't get that I'm still OK and there is no major adverse effect. I would just prefer the time haha. It might also depend on your ability to switch off before bed, if you're always able to sleep well no matter how busy your day has been then you're probably OK. Some people struggle to sleep if they've had too much stimulation/ have a lot going on. I think others have learned to switch off at the end of the day no matter what is going on.

As an aside, in terms of a lazy day for me, as I think it's interesting to hear different people's versions:

Slow breakfast. In bed if it's crap weather, outside if it's not.
Baking or cooking something nice for dinner.
Some gardening with DH.
Boardgames.
Long walk out with the dogs.
Chunk of time curled up reading.

But I couldn't just sit and watch TV. I remember feeling like clawing my own skin off when I'd stay at my ex's and this was on the cards.

https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/sharon-heller/too-loud-too-bright-too-fast-too-tight/9780060932923?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgsOiuvnHiAMVUZNQBh3fCQpsEAQYASABEgKCxfD_BwE#GOR002000879 you are not alone. There are lots of us "sensitive" types around. You just have to know your needs and take care of them and ignore what you are supposed to cope with.

This is me. I was up showered and dressed the day after both my DCs were born.I don't do lie- ins, never have. I really can't stay in all day if I WFH then I need to get out either at lunchtime or after work.

But neither has anything to do with doing things, or energy levels.

As far as I can see the difference which is being discussed on the thread is whether (1) your idea of recharging time involves lying on the sofa watching TV or scrolling through your phone, regardless of whether that's with another person or solo, or (2) your idea of recharging time involves doing things you find enjoyable, usually out of the house, whether they are solo or with others.

Mn is a revelation to me sometimes. I've literally never come across people in RL who shower and get into their pyjamas as soon as they get home from work because they won't be going out again.

Prior to Covid I was always doing something. Even the first day after leaving hospital with baby DS I was insisting we had to go out for a walk and for a coffee. When I was in hospital for liver issues I was told off by a nurse for never being actually in the ward (I was often going for errands for bedridden patients, whereas although i had terrible liver issues, I actually felt fine)

since Covid I’ve been knackered: suffer migraines and feel like I spend most of my time either having a migraine or recovering. When I’m not doing either: I try to get as much stuff done as possible. I work full time and have a child. But honestly; could do with more downtime

Yes, I am the same. My father used to say 'I'm an introverted extrovert', (or maybe the other way round). I'm also left-handed, so have to adapt to a right-handed world, and dyslexic, so constantly making sense of things, and that is mentally tiring. Also, I feel the cold a lot (tiring), and am sensitive to sound, really, really tiring) Yesterday I was working at an open air event with a DJ and the music was blaring out, with a very pounding bass. Several hours of that does me in, but other people are not affected. Today I'm having a day in bed to recover from that, and I know I'm lucky to be able to do that.

Don't let other people tell you how much rest and relaxation you need, OP. It depends on you.

I actually don't even really understand what people mean when they say they spend a day "chilling" or "resting" - are they watching TV? Reading a book? Posting on Mumsnet?

^

Oh I'm glad it's not just me

I always think the same!!

People are quite different. I find I get a bit stir crazy if I’ve been at home for too long. I’ve got my kids doing lots of activities so I think there must be a ‘high energy’ influence there or I wouldn't be willing to be running around facilitating their lives to the extent I do. But, I do very much like the odd sofa day where I can put on my pyjamas and slob about (which seems to be frowned upon on mumsnet).

Ive got to learn the personality of my eldest daughter’s friends over the year and I can easily see which ones are the higher and lower energy kids. Some of the low energy kids are much better at running than my daughter for example so it’s not about being less sporty as such but they need more downtime and really start to flag. You can also see they get ratty much earlier in the day during a day out and are just a bit quieter. The high energy girls just don’t stop talking in comparison.

Same! Would this include housework? Or cooking? Or running any errands? Or is it purely TV/reading/sleeping/indoor hobbies? I can't imagine a day that didn't involve any of the former!

I'm not trying to get at you but doing housework, cooking, and running errands every single day of your life sounds horrific!

I used to be like your friend op, always out and about but late 40's now and would much rather be at home with a good book!

Depends what you class as housework though? Wiping down kitchen surfaces at the end of the day? Cleaning the loo? Tidying? Getting kids' school uniform sorted? Stacking and unstacking the dishwasher?

I'm not hoovering, dusting and cleaning floors every day. But the other things definitely need doing every day or almost every day. Also cooking/preparing food - DH also does this but someone needs to do it every day.

In terms of the original question, DH and I definitely have different rest needs. I am moderately introverted. He is very introverted and autistic. We both have busy full time jobs. He needs more sleep than me and more downtime. If he has done any socialising in a busy or loud environment he needs to recuperate. I get very antsy if I am in the house all day. I like downtime but I can't fully relax if I am in the house with the DCs because I know there's no way I could take myself off and do stuff I wanted to do without being bothered. It stresses me out if I start doing something and one of them interrupts me. They're very high energy and keep us busy.