Disagreement with in laws and moving forward

[shill4nuttn]

We went out to a restaurant to celebrate my young teen son's birthday. His cousin started sharing something on the phone just when the food came out. None of my kids own cell phones. We have a strict no phones at the table policy. I asked my son not to use the phone at the table. His older cousin said he was giving my son "permission" to use it and that I was being autocratic. I was so taken aback at this attack on me and so, I complained to his mom to rein him in. This kid has barely said two words to me all his life and he just orders me what I should do with my own son.
Now, my very vocal FIL joined in and basically told me to shut up and let everyone enjoy their meal, especially the birthday boy--who is my son. All the family present were relatives of my husband.
To clarify, I told the teen cousin he was free to do what he liked but my son was not allowed to use the phone at the table. Meanwhile. the rest of the meal was awkward and now, my husband and I have also fought over it because he didn't seem to think his father was overreacting and disrespectful to me. His FIL will not apologize. I am very hurt and angry.
Also, I am so shocked by the public nature of it being in a restaurant--it's making me think perhaps I am the bad guy here. I don't know how to move forward. Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.

There nothing to feel small about unless she was yelling at him or telling him off. It was a simple request to put the phone aside and focus on his meal and if the ride nephew didn't make it his business to parent he child it would be a non issue.

You're really trying to justify her nephew "giving him permission"? Seriously?

I just want to pipe in amongst the most fascinating dissection of my personality and character with just one post that I did mention in my 2nd post that both cousins had been on the phone PRIOR to the meal arriving (which was at least 45 min. ).
Thank you again. I will keep in mind not to post here for any constructive advice. What some of you may not take into account is that sometimes, these places are the last resort for some people because we may have zero support around us.

But when 99% of the responses go a certain way, that's telling of whether people think you were right or wrong. I'd listen to the majority and realise I was OTT.

If her SIL's son is being rude and trying to override OPs parenting decisions then yes she should ask his mother to speak to her son.

If OP told him off then SIL would probably get mad at her for "speaking to my son like that" wouldn't she?

So are you suggesting her only option was to keep quiet and listen to a spoilt brat giving her son permission for something she told him not to do?

My daughter understands that different households have different rules and she would never tell another child she is giving her permission to ignore and disobey the child's mother but somehow this is fine for mumsnet. It seems some of you are caught up with the strict phone rules and as I said I'm a bit more lax about it but the core issue here is people thinking they have the right to be rude and challenge her parenting decisions.

which should probably be your thread op if you feel you have “zero support” around you

How is it 99%?

The voting is only just that she was BU.

@shill4nuttn I'm sorry, OP. Yet another poster chased away because of the bullying behaviour on this forum. Unfortunately this is a damning indictment of AIBU, not you.

I've been frank about the fact that in your shoes I might not have adhered quite so rigidly to family views or involved the other mother, but your in-laws' behaviour was wholly disproportionate to this. It was intended to undermine you, and there is no way you should have been expected to tolerate it. Your nephew's behaviour shouldn't have been allowed to pass; his parents failed to pull him up on it, and your FiL was far out of line. Also, if the cousins had had their noses in screens all that time, then yes, that is undeniably rude and they should have been pulled up for that, too.

Not everyone here gets obvious pleasure out of kicking and bulling OPs. I hope if you need support in future you'll stay, but maybe post in 'relationships' or another area of the site that's less notorious for its viciousness to those asking for help.

Your post above should make some posters feel ashamed.

I said the responses. Most people disagree with how OP acted. I didnt mention the poll.

I'm sorry you feel like that OP. If you'd explained that the boys had already been on the phone for 45 minutes, I think you'd have got different responses. I imagined the cousin had just got the phone out and all this erupted over a couple of minutes on the phone.
I still would have let it slide. It was a family birthday meal and I'd have relaxed the rules. But anyway, were all different. I hope this can all be smoothed over with the family and you can move on.

The responses mean nothing as it is the sort of nasty people who like a pile-on who respond.

Or the fact that it's actually their opinion and most people think the same on it?

My son my rules. Put the phone away. And repeat.

I support op in this and it's a huge shame more families don't have this rule.

No, it is because the decent people can't be bothered to argue with judgemental idiots who think that they know everything about the OP from one short post.

Just ignore the judgemental idiots.

The poll was must closer and shows that a lot of people agree that you were not BU.

You were potentially being a bit OTT with instruction to put phone away the instant the food arrived - essentially your DS and cousin were sharing and communicating and you interrupted. Would you have done the same had they been in conversation without the phone?

Then sounds as though the nephew was rather rude to you - you don't say his age but don't seem to have a typical aunt nephew relationship if you say he has barely said 2 words to you (ever?). I don't know whether your instruction warranted it - I can imagine a 17/18 year old reacting that way if it had felt that you were telling off an almost adult.

I think you did overreact by trying to get nephew's mother involved - at this point a de-escalation would have been appropriate. OK, the food's here, let's eat and enjoy our meal for DC's birthday. Rather than stepping up the authority levels.

FIL may have been rude, but may also have been clumsily trying the de-escalation I mentioned above - did he actually say "shut up"? Do you have form for being stricter than rest of family and has that had adverse impact on celebrations previously?

Your reaction now to isolate from the family is very over the top. I get no phones at the table is a sensible rule. But if they'd put the phone away after 1 minute of looking and everyone had a nice meal, what would have been the harm compared to the situation you are now in?

Some compromise over rules is necessary where people have different boundaries and want to get along. You don't seem very willing to flex.

No, it's because people are entitled to an opinion. Some think she was ok, most think she was OTT. And that's ok for people to have their opinion. That's what AIBU is, to ask if you're U. People say yes or no. That's ok.

These posts are always so interesting. I think the OP is absolutely correct to insist upon no phones at the table and that was what I was expecting to read. How wrong was I?

Totally agree! I am sorry the OP is getting a rough ride here.

Again, as an adult, if a friend wanted to show you a photo of something important to them, over a pub lunch, would you refuse to look and tell them that you have a no phones rule?

I wouldn't. It would be rude and imply criticism of their own choice to connect with you by sharing something. OP's son was being polite. A two second glance at what the cousin wanted to share should have been fine. OP made a mountain out of a grain of sand.

Buty they are not adults, they are children, with boundaries in place and the response would be from son and Nephew, "sorry, he just wanted to show me an important photo and we'll put it away now and check after the meal".

And you think it is OK for the nephew to say what he said and go unchecked?

OP, hopefully you can take comfort from the fact that most people commenting agree with you that ideally no phones at the dinner table and also agree that your nephew is a rude little shit and FIL shouldn’t have told you to shut up.

It’s just that most people wouldn’t have bothered saying anything for fear of causing a scene, which it did.

I wouldn’t waste any more time worrying about this though. I can’t imagine that your nephew or FIL are giving this any thought.

I’d just move on and sweep it under the carpet (where most in-law irritations go in my experience).

I guess I was so shocked that he had spoken to me
Again, why on earth was it so shocking that your own nephew spoke to you? I understand the second part of the sentence, him giving you orders could be shocking, but the fact that he spoke to you at all? You said that in your OP as well - why doesn't your nephew speak to you if you all live close enough and get on well enough together to go on big birthday dinners? The backstory behind this might explain why he felt he could be so rude to you...

no phones rule understood in our family. We don't answer the phone or use it during meals at home or in restaurants.
But none of your DC are allowed phones, so it's not a case of 'understanding' - they couldn't answer or use it even if they wanted to.

Your son was bonding with his cousin. The exchange would have likely only taken a minute or two. Then they would have put the phone away and focused on the meal.

if they didn’t, that would have been the time to say something, but give them a chance to do the right thing independently, even if it isn’t quite as fast as you might like.

your young teen is going to be around phones. You can’t stop that. It’s a primary way teens interact, even in person. You need to let your son learn to deal with it appropriately

It just sounds like an interaction that got a bit out of hand. The cousin was a bit rude but you could have let it go given that it was your son’s birthday meal. I don’t know exactly what your FIL said. If he actually shouted Shut Up, then he was out of order but if he just picked up on the uncomfortable atmosphere and asked you all to drop it so your son could not be upset and enjoy the occasion then it was just clumsy. I think you’re overreacting now. I’d just forget it.

We had this rule. Not originally implemented by me but by my son. I was happy to follow it. Family communication and bonding is important, as is the social nicety of actually being able to sit through a meal without needing to access a phone.

I think this thread is a testament to just how damaging and addictive mobile phones are. People are up in arms with the OP for enforcing a rule on her son. I bet if it was something other than a mobile it would be a different story but people are obsessed with them.

I'm with you OP. Your nephew is a rude little fucker trying to override your parenting and would have got very short shrift from me. Your FIL really really overstepped too and basically thought your nephew's opinion was of more weight than yours. I'd have told him to fuck off as he sounds like just another insufferable man.

I'd be minimising spending time with them unless they apologise for trampling over your parenting.

Oh and your husband is an utter dick too for not having your back.