Disagreement with in laws and moving forward

[shill4nuttn]

We went out to a restaurant to celebrate my young teen son's birthday. His cousin started sharing something on the phone just when the food came out. None of my kids own cell phones. We have a strict no phones at the table policy. I asked my son not to use the phone at the table. His older cousin said he was giving my son "permission" to use it and that I was being autocratic. I was so taken aback at this attack on me and so, I complained to his mom to rein him in. This kid has barely said two words to me all his life and he just orders me what I should do with my own son.
Now, my very vocal FIL joined in and basically told me to shut up and let everyone enjoy their meal, especially the birthday boy--who is my son. All the family present were relatives of my husband.
To clarify, I told the teen cousin he was free to do what he liked but my son was not allowed to use the phone at the table. Meanwhile. the rest of the meal was awkward and now, my husband and I have also fought over it because he didn't seem to think his father was overreacting and disrespectful to me. His FIL will not apologize. I am very hurt and angry.
Also, I am so shocked by the public nature of it being in a restaurant--it's making me think perhaps I am the bad guy here. I don't know how to move forward. Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.

So if you expect your child to follow your rules, whatever they are, you are also being 'controlling', Yes?

Yes if the rules are controlling then they are controlling. Whether they are followed is another story.

When I was at school there were no smart phones. There was also no swapping about of inappopriate photos of girls, or online bullying reaching into their homes. Home had a landline and I could talk to my peers any time I wanted.

I certainly wasn't isolated from my peers, nor did I experience a detrimental impact on my mental health.

We did, however, get out from in front of the TV screen and see each other face to face.

Wonder which set of kids got the healthier childhood?

On that point the book Toxic Childhood makes very interesting reading.

It's a dereliction of parental duty not to set boundaries for our kids. Eating chocolate for breakfast everyday and burgers for every evening meal: such a great idea isn't it? As is having their noses buried in screens from dawn to dusk, or being taught they can have a tanty and instantly get their own way about anything they want.

Children feel securer with boundaries in place. They trust adults to set these boundaries and in some cases its highly detrimental to their wellbeing not to do so; sometimes for reasons of safety. We are our children's parents. That unfortunately means playing bad cop sometimes, it means being a spoil sport sometimes; because we are the adults trusted to act in our children's own best interests. We are not there to be their best friends.

That this is now deemed 'controlling' seems fairly typical of some of the franky silly attitudes on this thread. Then again, it's AIBU and on this board people will say just about anything to get a rise out of an OP.

@SerafinasGoose you're comparing glancing at something on a phone that someone is showing you to eating chocolate every morning and burgers every evening? As an adult, I wouldn't eat chocolate every morning or burgers every evening, but if someone showed me something on their phone I'd damn well look at it because no one would be telling me I can't. I treat my kids how I like to be treated. Their boundaries mirror what I'd be willing to do or not do myself, as they are growing into mature young adults. Sitting playing on his own phone and ignoring everyone at the table is totally different to someone saying hey look at this and you look.

Well anyway, you crack on with your crazy boundaries. I'm sure they work for you, like mine work for me.

Again, to those of you who think OP did the right thing by making a scene about the phone...as an adult who doesn't get their phone out at the table, would you really tell a friend who tried to show you a photo of their grandchild over lunch, that you won't look and to put their phone away? I would never do that, and I think it's expecting a lot of a young teen to say that to their cousin. Frankly it would also be very rude, whether said by him or by an adult. When someone wants to connect by sharing something, you don't cut them off by disapproving of the medium they use.

Albeit this thread has strayed into an interesting general digression about kids' use of devices and parental input, we are not discussing my individual boundaries, 'crazy' or otherwise.

They are of no interest to this thread or to you, and there is no need to make this discussion personal.

Your option about being embarrassed for her and the child or having different parenting standards is all well and good but that does not give you any justification to be rude to her or tell her to shut up or her nephew being so rude I would be a lot more embarrassed if my son was so rude compared to OP insisting her son does not use a phone at the dinner table.

It didn't give OP the right to publicly tell her SIL to rein in her child, either.

OP caused a scene over nothing and spoiled her son's birthday meal.

I'm not saying I agree with kids sitting on devices endlessly, what I disagree with it OP ridiculing her child in front of people for no good reason.

Actually I think you were right and you shouldn't apologise.

My kids don't use phones at a table in a restaurant, especially as the meal is just being served. It's rude!

They use them everywhere else though, so to stop for a meal isn't expecting much.

And how rude of your son's cousin! He can't give your son authority. His mum should have told him so too!

My opinion is my opinion. I wouldn't make my child feel so small in front of people. If I had an issue I'd calmly talk it through when home.

I took it kindly...but okay. :D

👏👏👏

i do not allow phones at the table

but the other day my tween DD had her friend over and they were eating dinner and her friend got her phone out and began showing some clips on it

the daughter looked at me and her eyes pleaded with me not to say anything

i turned away and didn’t say one word.

There’s a time and place to impose rules such as this and a birthday celebration for your teen son, sitting next to his older cousin… was NOT one of them

I haven't agreed with that either. I've said on numerous occasions that the situation was handled poorly and the other boy's mother should not have been dragged in. The cousin, however, behaved disgracefully and he needed to be pulled up. That should have been the job of his parents, who singularly failed to do it. And FiL's reaction and undermining of her parenting was totally disproportionate.

OP's behaviour doesn't justify or excuse theirs. It was an unedifying show all round and what the OP is now asking for advice as to how she moves on from this.

For the sake of family relations a convenient loss of memory all round might be advisable. The one I'd be staying well away from in the future, were I in OP's shoes, is FiL, whose behaviour IMO was a major overstep.

That's very fair actually, the whole point of the thread was how to move on. Not a review or opinion sharing on what can no longer be changed.

I don’t know what the point of this history lesson is especially when I am a child of the 70s. Toxic childhoods are not created by having phones. It’s what the children are allowed to do with their phones.

groundbreaking @SerafinasGoose

just groundbreaking

😆

Yeah, for sure. Not having a smart phone will really isolate you from your peers and affect your mental health.

Whereas up until 20 or so years ago successive generations of schoolkids have managed just fine.

Groundbreaking revelations indeed, eh?

you are truly amazing and we bow down to your wisdom

Your child your rules.(and dhs)

Cousin is a rude little shit he shouldn't be speaking to anyone like that.

A better strategy going forward would be to ignore cousin and just politely ask son to hand phone back.

How you end this situation is up to you. If you want to make peace an 'I'm sorry things got out of hand' could work or you could leave it and let things cool.

I'd be disappointed your dh didn't back you at the time or after. Is he against the phone rule?

Grow up.

no really

you’ve posted a comment that really does cover new ground

😆

I agree with this post. It sounds like pretty much everyone involved could’ve handled some aspect or other of their interaction better. You certainly weren’t some poor innocent victim set upon by all your in laws, op, so if I were you, I’d rein in the ‘survival mode’ nonsense and adopt the least said, soonest mended mindset.